Rocd? HOCD?

Fearing that I'll somehow resent or blame my children due to harm ocd thoughts. My kids are my world, they always have been for 20 plus years. Just started this 2nd round of harm ocd 2 months ago. First one was 18 years ago. 18 yrs ago was the first round of harm ocd involving my kids and then 18 yrs later,almost 19 yrs later, my 2nd bout with it and it feels like the first time all over again. What if I blame my kids, what if I avoid them on purpose. 2 of my kids are grown adults. My 3rd is 13,but somehow my brain is still seeing them as kids. It's amazing what the brain is capable of. I know I love my children with all my heart and soul. How can I even be questioning this? How can a father of 3, thats been a dad for 22 years start questioning something that I know is impossible. Very frustrating.

Harm OCD

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 1y

This can be so hard for sure. Just remember you have gotten through this before and you can again. Have you done ERP treatment?

JFull

Date posted: 1y

No. I have a lcsw that I talk to once a week and a psychiatrist I see once a month. My lcsw thinks that I'm headed back to my baseline of anxiety and feels I've made progress over the last 6 weeks and doesn't think erp is right for me at this time. But I'm not opposed to it and if I need to try it will definitely keep it in mind. My main thing is reminding myself that I was born with a chemical imbalance. It's no one's fault and there's no one to blame. It's just the way I was born and that if this is what God wants me to deal with,I'll take this over a lot of other things that I could have been born with. It's easier to understand that the disgusting intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic. They go against who I am and have been my whole life. And only come in cause they are trying to make me doubt myself. But I keep reminding myself that I'm smarter than ocd and ego dystonic thoughts. And I've been thru it before and will get thru it again. Just a matter of time.

JFull

Date posted: 1y

Hey Stacey. I have a few questions about ERP. I feel like I'm at the end of my ocd episode. It started with hearing a story about someone with ocd that killed their family. I then started to worry about my ocd and I knew immediately that ocd is ego dystonic,it goes against who you are as a person which is why it bothers you so much. Then I started thinking about other people that I've read or heard about in the news that have killed their family. And my mind went to what if they are a narcissist,with ocd and they got so frustrated at the intrusive thoughts that they did it for that reason. I've talked to therapists and psychiatrists and they've all told me the following -Narcissists don't have ocd about being a narcissist. Narcissist don't have ocd. The 2 don't go together. A narcissist isn't a sociopath. A sociopathic narcissist is someone that doesn't even know their thoughts are scary,they just have thoughts and then act on them. I'm aware my thoughts are ego dyatonic. And I'm scared to death I could ever be someone that could think hurting or killing their family is a good idea. I know I will never think that because I will never have a psychotic break from reality and become unafraid of something that brings such anxiety to me. My problem is. I feel like I'm still going to my past to check to see if I'm a narcissist. I do it all day. In the morning is when it's really present and as the day goes on it gets better but I'm trying to figure out how to stop ruminating about this. I feel like I've been given all the answers I need to move past this episode but can't figure out why I'm still trying to see if I'm a narcissist and checking that. I've been told that even if I was,narcissism and ocd is not a deadly combination and would not matter. Wouldn't make you think it's OK to harm your family,but it's still there. Is the ERP therapy something that can help me with this? Thanks

mfernandes1

Date posted: 18w

Postpartum ocd/harm ocd

Hi there! I am 4 months postpartum and struggling with harm ocd, the fear of what if I harm my child. It has manifested to the fear of what if I harm my husband, sister, nieces, parents, etc. Anyone else have this experience and how did you get through it?

BiancaIsGrowing

Date posted: 18w

Having a hard time

I have to be alone with my children tomorrow and I'm scared. Harm OCD has me panicking and ruminating. I don't want to hurt my babies they mean everything to me. I keep fighting for them, I got a better job for them and I want to create a better life for them. I'm so afraid that I might hurt them so I need to be away from them but I also don't want to be away from them. The thoughts and images are so much. I'd rather die before I hurt them. Accepting the uncertainty of possibly hurting them is not something I can accept or live with. And it doesn't help having existential ocd because that says none of it matters anyway. I just want to be the old me, I hate this disorder I hate this disease I hate me for having these thoughts. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get it out. I hate this worry disorder!

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 17w

Pls has anyone been through this?

Let me start by prefacing that I developed ocd as postpartum ocd after having my first child. I had harm and pocd. I had it on and off for years and then it just eventually went away completely for many years until recently after a stressful life event. Now that it’s back it again targets my children but now my grandchildren also. It’s been horrible and makes me pull away from them. Last night my 6 year old granddaughter threw up in the car when my daughter was about to take her home so my daughter brought her back in the house and asked me to clean her up while she cleaned her car. I had some anxiety about it because of my ocd but I couldn’t say no to helping so I opened the bathroom door and my granddaughter was standing in her underwear waiting for me to clean and dress her. Everything was fine and normal but then for some reason, I have no idea why, I looked down at her chest area. I immediately got so upset and didn’t know why I looked there and now my ocd is saying it’s because i’m a monster. I tried to tell myself it’s just normal human behavior when someone is standing there naked that you look where you shouldn’t simply because it’s just there in front of you but I feel horrible. I don’t feel any inappropriate way about her or any child but my ocd is saying it was inappropriate. Has anyone else been through this?

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