I think my past tells me I've always been wrong and just kinda didn't experiment to know because I never wanted to be gay. The groinal responses I get to real life people are more common and more than the feeling I get for the opposite sex though I do enjoy the opposite sex responses when they do happen. they may not be as strong so I should give up any fantasies that it'll ever lead to a real relationship.
If I’m remembering correctly, you, like me, have had HOCD for quite a while. The longer we have this theme, the more we forget what it was like to feel happy and confident about who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. Yes, we’re supposed to live with uncertainty, but that doesn’t mean giving up things that bring us joy.
I'm not sure really, there's so many things I might have that are potentially contrary to OCD sufferers, I don't even know if I relate to the old hocd articles like I used to think years ago which compare thoughts between actual gay people because of the groinals seem indistinguishable from just being harder or blood flow or liquid. and porn I'm not even sure if I'm only aroused because it's sex anymore. Also worried if I'll actually perform in person with a woman on the regular fully aroused without help.
@jdd I'm also the only person who seems to meet a spike of their heart rate with sight of the same sex without any accompanied thoughts first causing anxiety.
@jdd I get that. I sometimes read the articles that used to be reassurance, and all they do is make me feel worse because I just find all the things I don’t relate to anymore. But OCD is a brain disorder. Our brain controls everything from our thoughts to our bodily responses. The more we assign meaning to a thought or response, the stronger we make the mental pathway. So while your feelings might be a real pathway, they might also not be. As for the performance fear, oh god that is an absolutely real fear that is just amplified by OCD. Even people who don’t have OCD and feel fully confident in their sexuality are afraid of this. And I imagine it’s far more stressful for men than women. Again with the advice that doesn’t really help but is the cornerstone of OCD recovery, “try not to assign any meaning” to when your body fails you. Because it happens for a lot of different reasons.
@jdd Nope! I’ve had the heart thing happen too! And I doubt we’re the only ones.
@PumpkinFrapp Thanks. I know it's reassuring when you post this. Genuinely don't see how I'm not dealing with some level of identity crisis though.
@jdd I try to not be too reassuring (I fail at it a lot tbh), but I also know that OCD feels extremely isolating. I hate seeing others suffer with something that brings me so much pain.
@PumpkinFrapp Also in respect to the performance fears I'm not sure if it's even genuinely that or lack of desire at this point because the false attractions seems like real desire now, though I don't want them to occur. It doesn't help that the girl I've been "into" possibly doesn't even feel anything for me in the slightest and is crushing extremely hard over someone long distance therefore I need to let them go as an option but it's hard. I want to say so many things to her but I never can quite do it in person how I want to and I'm also worried that she will not accept my feelings and want me gone entirely because she's chasing someone else.
@jdd I’m sorry you’re going through that. 😢 It can be so hard to let go of crushes with this theme because it’s like hanging on to hope. The guys I’m “into” are honestly not good for me. They’re assholes and they treat me like I’m stupid. But I hang on to every little feeling I have because letting them go feels like accepting that I’m not actually attracted to them. For you, I know it’s scary and feels like the worst case scenario will happen, but if you care about her, you should still let her know your feelings. I told my best friend that I loved him, and even though he turned me down, expressing those feelings didn’t ruin our friendship. Who knows? It may end up differently for you in that she reciprocates your feelings. 💕 But if you’re friends, that bond isn’t easily broken by sharing your feelings.
@PumpkinFrapp I'm so bad at articulating my feelings and wants with girls that I end up not saying anything :(
@jdd I wonder if OCD really digs its claws into people like us who struggle to get into relationships. For me, I don’t even try articulating my feelings because I just know I’m going to get turned down because I’m not attractive to men at all.
@PumpkinFrapp I'm sure that isn't true at all you're probably very beautiful but I do feel the same with women even if people tell me otherwise I never actually see it or get chased by women. I think it probably might, or there's something else that it attaches to and affects because OCD likes to hijack other insecurities and feelings in general.
@jdd That’s very sweet of you to say and made me feel genuinely happy 😊 (I think. OCD really has me doubting, but it made me smile.) It always amazes me what OCD is capable of. I can’t fully trust my perception of reality. I guess that’s why therapists bring up values so much. They’re an anchor in a way.
So I’ve talked to a couple of gay people and they all told me the same thing. They ALWAYS knew they liked guys and they have ever gotten aroused by a woman in their life. In fact they told me that they always found a woman’s body disgusting. Looking back in my life I’ve been attracted to girls for as long as I can remember even before puberty. All my fantasies were about girls and I can’t remember a time where I felt the same for a guy (because it never happened). At the end I can still get aroused by women and you can clearly see how much stupid this obsession about being gay is. Gay people can’t get instinctively aroused by a woman and like it. Groinal responses and sensations don’t mean anything because they simply do not bring joy or a feeling of desire. Instead they bring panic. I once got a groinal when “testing my reactions” and I was sitting there crying like my life is over. That’s not how genuine attraction works and no one has woken up one day feeling different and no one has been secretly gay and never noticed it and spent his whole life into women instead.
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
I really dont know if it is ocd anymore I dont want certain sexual things with my bf anymore that i used to like When i envision it with a girl it is so easy to envision and it feels like i want that , that will give me the satisfaction This feeling is making me really question if i am still into men , desire men sexually Is this still ocd , i really dont know anymore , as it is a feeling it is too real
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