I think my past tells me I've always been wrong and just kinda didn't experiment to know because I never wanted to be gay. The groinal responses I get to real life people are more common and more than the feeling I get for the opposite sex though I do enjoy the opposite sex responses when they do happen. they may not be as strong so I should give up any fantasies that it'll ever lead to a real relationship.
If I’m remembering correctly, you, like me, have had HOCD for quite a while. The longer we have this theme, the more we forget what it was like to feel happy and confident about who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. Yes, we’re supposed to live with uncertainty, but that doesn’t mean giving up things that bring us joy.
I'm not sure really, there's so many things I might have that are potentially contrary to OCD sufferers, I don't even know if I relate to the old hocd articles like I used to think years ago which compare thoughts between actual gay people because of the groinals seem indistinguishable from just being harder or blood flow or liquid. and porn I'm not even sure if I'm only aroused because it's sex anymore. Also worried if I'll actually perform in person with a woman on the regular fully aroused without help.
@jdd I'm also the only person who seems to meet a spike of their heart rate with sight of the same sex without any accompanied thoughts first causing anxiety.
@jdd I get that. I sometimes read the articles that used to be reassurance, and all they do is make me feel worse because I just find all the things I don’t relate to anymore. But OCD is a brain disorder. Our brain controls everything from our thoughts to our bodily responses. The more we assign meaning to a thought or response, the stronger we make the mental pathway. So while your feelings might be a real pathway, they might also not be. As for the performance fear, oh god that is an absolutely real fear that is just amplified by OCD. Even people who don’t have OCD and feel fully confident in their sexuality are afraid of this. And I imagine it’s far more stressful for men than women. Again with the advice that doesn’t really help but is the cornerstone of OCD recovery, “try not to assign any meaning” to when your body fails you. Because it happens for a lot of different reasons.
@jdd Nope! I’ve had the heart thing happen too! And I doubt we’re the only ones.
@PumpkinFrapp Thanks. I know it's reassuring when you post this. Genuinely don't see how I'm not dealing with some level of identity crisis though.
@jdd I try to not be too reassuring (I fail at it a lot tbh), but I also know that OCD feels extremely isolating. I hate seeing others suffer with something that brings me so much pain.
@PumpkinFrapp Also in respect to the performance fears I'm not sure if it's even genuinely that or lack of desire at this point because the false attractions seems like real desire now, though I don't want them to occur. It doesn't help that the girl I've been "into" possibly doesn't even feel anything for me in the slightest and is crushing extremely hard over someone long distance therefore I need to let them go as an option but it's hard. I want to say so many things to her but I never can quite do it in person how I want to and I'm also worried that she will not accept my feelings and want me gone entirely because she's chasing someone else.
@jdd I’m sorry you’re going through that. 😢 It can be so hard to let go of crushes with this theme because it’s like hanging on to hope. The guys I’m “into” are honestly not good for me. They’re assholes and they treat me like I’m stupid. But I hang on to every little feeling I have because letting them go feels like accepting that I’m not actually attracted to them. For you, I know it’s scary and feels like the worst case scenario will happen, but if you care about her, you should still let her know your feelings. I told my best friend that I loved him, and even though he turned me down, expressing those feelings didn’t ruin our friendship. Who knows? It may end up differently for you in that she reciprocates your feelings. 💕 But if you’re friends, that bond isn’t easily broken by sharing your feelings.
@PumpkinFrapp I'm so bad at articulating my feelings and wants with girls that I end up not saying anything :(
@jdd I wonder if OCD really digs its claws into people like us who struggle to get into relationships. For me, I don’t even try articulating my feelings because I just know I’m going to get turned down because I’m not attractive to men at all.
@PumpkinFrapp I'm sure that isn't true at all you're probably very beautiful but I do feel the same with women even if people tell me otherwise I never actually see it or get chased by women. I think it probably might, or there's something else that it attaches to and affects because OCD likes to hijack other insecurities and feelings in general.
@jdd That’s very sweet of you to say and made me feel genuinely happy 😊 (I think. OCD really has me doubting, but it made me smile.) It always amazes me what OCD is capable of. I can’t fully trust my perception of reality. I guess that’s why therapists bring up values so much. They’re an anchor in a way.
I really dont know if it is ocd anymore I dont want certain sexual things with my bf anymore that i used to like When i envision it with a girl it is so easy to envision and it feels like i want that , that will give me the satisfaction This feeling is making me really question if i am still into men , desire men sexually Is this still ocd , i really dont know anymore , as it is a feeling it is too real
Has anyone experienced where you love woman everything about them, even to the point where you still can get erections watching normal porn, lesbian porn etc. but you find your self still admiring a good looking man. I’ve went through the groinal responses when seeing a man but honestly after watching porn and realizing it’s not about sex it went away. On the other hand even when there’s a male and a female in a picture I can’t stop looking at the male and judging, but the minute they’re naked I’m fine and looking at the woman. I started watching porn at a very young age so I’m wondering do I only sexualize woman and admire the man so in everyday life I don’t see her as beautiful because she’s not naked ? I understand as a straight male I can still think guys are attractive but why do I constantly notice them more than women? I also can admire and see when a girl is beautiful in the face but then if a dude that’s more attractive than me pops up in staring at him. Has anyone experience this?
This shit has to be one of the most confusing subtypes of ocd because no matter what you will never find clarity. When it started it wasn’t as bad and confusing because it was mostly anxiety. But when it started getting physical that’s when it got extremely confusing because I feel tension and fear when thinking of gay stuff but while testing I get arousal sensations so the big question is “if I am afraid of it how can my body respond as if I’m into it and if I’m into it how does my body respond with fear as if I’m not” and it’s endless. I wish I never started testing my arousal so I never started getting groinals to gay stuff in the first place. But there’s no going back now.
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