- Date posted
- 1y
Scrupulosity & ERP
I have been struggling a lot with scrupulosity lately - what if I offended God, what if I sinned and didn’t repent, what if I turned against God - these fears become so scary that I feel like I have to pray for forgiveness. As I am trying to grow in my faith, I read about repentance and that it is necessary to be forgiven and to live according to God’s will. However, I know that this can also be a ritual that I should be avoiding. It is so hard to distinguish. I attempted an exposure where I willingly let myself think my worst fear, a fear of turning from God. I said it in my head and I will not write it here because it is too fearful. But then immediately I was overcome with guilt and fear - how could I let myself think that thought for exposure, at least before they were unwanted intrusive thoughts, what if God didn’t realize I was doing an exposure because I didn’t plan it out, what if he thought I turned against Him, what if I committed the unpardonable sin. Of course, I could not resist the urge to ritualize, and I have since said many prayers for forgiveness. I think I have become okay with the fact that scary thought that are not us are going to pass through our minds, but for exposure therapy, I still feel I am sinning if I intentionally let myself think those thoughts and then do not repent. I know I should trust that God is all knowing and that he realizes I am doing exposure and I do not need to remind him. However, I am way too scared to do it again. I am okay to practice exposure for the other fearful thoughts I’ve been having, but I am very resistant to expose myself to thoughts against God, because I feel like just letting myself have the thoughts alone is a sin. Anyone struggling with this?