Losing hope

@sureitsher But everywhere I’ve seen has been ‘you will never get 100% uncertainty’ like this makes me almost have a panic attack

@Nopecd everyone is different yk, that’s the hardest thing not attaching it to you

@JordTheNord This actually really helped - I was was struggling because I couldnt handle not knowing if I cheated and just carry on being with my partner holding that guilt. The memory I have I have never questioned before at all but it’s telling me things like ‘but you were drunk’ and ‘you can’t remember every moment of the night’ and it’s spiralling me

@Nopecd Understand the spiral! And fill in the gaps! But you’ve been drunk and during your drunkenness you wold be coherent for the time being. It’s the short term memory drunk ppl struggle with which makes them very coherent but can’t remember things from the past night. And I completely get the “well if I cheated I want to tell my partner because I want them to see me for who I am or what I did and they deserve transparency. Dealt with it for years myself. You’re only questioning it now because of OCD. Things just pop up randomly or a possible trigger. It’s maddening lol. You have to be ok with your initial thoughts of the event when they happened and trust your past self. If you cheated even if you were drunk you would have known and the fact you can’t even prove it there’s no need to start a panic with your partner because you literally could be sharing theories that never have happened or will. You’re worried because you’re a good honest person. The OCD makes us doubt our core beliefs. Also, remembering past events gets fuzzy for everyone anyways. It’s hard. Trusting your past self especially how you felt fine at the time is basically certainly that you didn’t cheat because how you’re reacting right now by a theory you would have 100% flipped out or have told him already in the moment of the act or later that night/next day.

@JordTheNord Can I just say this has been more helpful than anything I’ve read before. Simply hearing ‘be okay with uncertainty’ has never been helpful to me because I didn’t understand it. You’re right that I basically do have certainty based on all of the facts

@Nopecd I’m happy i could help! I still believe being ok with uncertainty is extremely helpful but if it’s just a simple “be ok with it” it’s hard for some ppl to grasp. Trusting yourself is technically about 90% certain and 10% knowing at the end of the day you could be wrong but damn I’m still betting on 90 percent. So look at it as playing your odds. That’s also a way to look on how to accept uncertainty. I placed my bet on a hand I have 90% chance of winning and 10% losing. There is a chance a might lose but I will always bet on this. I would never bet on the 10%. Idc even if I lose. I went with the best odds. Can’t win em all. But I can sure play the odds

@JordTheNord How did you cope with the feeling of guilt with your partner? Like I feel like I have to break up with them because I’m feeling like I’m being dishonest

@Nopecd I suggested to break up with them because I felt so bad. Even though my thoughts weren’t true I told them and they didn’t handle it well. However we got back together and I figured out concretely what my partner was worried about. I worked as a server/ bartender so I was around a lot of females. I think most women are walking pieces of art. You guys are just a blessing for me. However that does not mean to me I want to date all of you. My gf was Insecure I was hitting on everyone at work because I’m very friendly. Also, this stemmed from me messaging girls( some which I hooked up with in the last) when we first started dating. Now I was only messaging them to say hi and see how they were doing. I also, told my partner this not because I felt guilty but I wanted her to know what I was doing and nothing to hide. I even gave her the passcode to my phone. However after our first year I stopped doing that because even though I wasn’t flirting or trying to be sneaky or shady I completely understand why that would worry her and how it didn’t help my relationship even though I was super transparent and literally did not say a word to these women inappropriately. I just cared and wanted to be friendly. (I’m an odd guy lol). Anyways so that didn’t help her insecurity even though I stopped doing that. However she met all my females friends from work. And I did not hook up with any of them. However my gf would ask do I like them or think about them. I did t want to lie and felt guilty because she thinks it’s cheating to have someone pop in my head or have a crush even though I never pursued it or actually wanted anyone else so my compulsion was yelling her private thoughts that made me feel guilty on top of how she felt because basically my gf did not help my OCD. So anyways I feel so bad for the thoughts and the crush we break up for 3 months. Now during that time I hung out with the crush. Not to date to her, not to be cozy but just as a friend because I wanted to show that’s all I wanted was a friend. Just if I was actually single and never met my gf she could have been a possible dating prospect but I never wanted to pursue her I just wanted my gf. So between my gfs ideal ohh and my OCD I felt guilty. So during this time however the girl really liked me and she tried to come back to my place 3 times for sex. Told her no every time that’s not what I want. I just got out of a relationship. Mind you I never tried holding her hand cuddling or anything it was strictly friends. Eventually I had to push her away because she wasn’t respecting my boundaries and just thought that I would just go for her. (We connected very well). Eventually me and my gf get back together. That entire time proved that my OCD was just making me feel guilty for no reason and I completely disagree about how a crush is cheating. Because I had multiple times to hook up with her in the clear being single even if it was a short time and I didn’t want that. I wanted my gf back. So actually I got certainty from my true nature because when pushed came to shove I didn’t care about the thoughts. I cared about my partner and that’s it. That propelled me to believing in myself and knowing it’s the OCD (and outside factors like my gfs opinions) that sent me on a confusing route when I did not need to question myself. Even when my gf made me feel so guilty that I was flirting with everyone at work I felt so bad I asked literally every female worked with if I was an embarrassment to my gf and if I disrespected them or made them feel uncomfortable. This was the responses “you are the most respectful guy and it’s always easy to be comfortable around you because your enti hitting on me, I wish my husband was more like you, when I first met you since I didn’t know you I thought you were hitting on me but I found out you just genuinely cared about what I was doing and polite”. I’ve had dudes even say “when guy A sees w girl and is like she’s hot it just sounds sleezy but when you say look at that attractive girl it’s like oh wow what a beautiful human being and no sexual dirtiness attached to it”.

@Nopecd So I got my confidence the hard way. Which is why I’m saying to you.. you do not need to feel guilty of an unknown especially you initially felt good and ok about it. You have to trust yourself. Otherwise we will be dictated by our endless doubt and other ppls opinions. Stand up for yourself. You owe it to you. I hope this helped and thanks for listening. If by any means you disagree with me I accept that. I know it was a lot.

@Nopecd Do not break up with him. Stand In Your light. Not everyone can handle our thoughts because they are meant to be just ours. Non OCD ppl have thoughts like us but they dismiss them and aren’t compilers to share or feel guilty because they know it’s not them.