Feeling confused/stressed

I have these real events that just keep popping up. It’s like when I finally stop worrying about one thing, another one fills in the gap. I know that this is all ocd, but I also feel so guilty because I feel like I should be confessing these things to people. Like future partners and stuff like that maybe. I know that it’s probably just my anxious brain talking and I know that confessing is a compulsion, but I just feel this guilt when I think about simply moving on and not telling more people. I feel a sense of imposter syndrome where I feel like my family and future partners wouldn’t love me if they knew about the real events. I just constantly feel like I’m deceiving them and hiding the fact that I’m secretly a bad person/at the very least did bad things that need to be confessed :(

BMAnon

Date posted: 1y

I’m in the same boat right now! I find that when I’m going through anxiety or stress in the present moment instead of addressing what’s causing that my mind goes to a past event/mistake and attributes my anxiety to that and I want to confess my past mistakes to move on but I know from doing this in the past that another mistake or event will fill that gap. It’s hard to break the cycle.

Peterson42

Date posted: 1y

@BMAnon Yeah it can be really challenging cant it? I feel like this is one of the stickier themes of ocd because it actually happened and it’s also not an ocd theme that’s talked about as much

BMAnon

Date posted: 1y

@Peterson42 Yep I reckon it’s the toughest! But maybe we have to realise everyone has made mistakes and they seem to live with them and not get stuck ruminating. We can’t possibly know every bad thing someone has done and do we even want to know? We have compassion for others, it’s just hard to find it for ourselves. I think the issue is we can’t accept grey areas. Things have to be black and white but that’s simply not how the world works.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@BMAnon Well said brother, well said.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

It always felt like if they don’t see all of me I’m getting congratulated when I don’t deserve this because I did certain things. However it’s just not true and there are billions of non perfect making mistakes ppl. Now that is not justification for just doing the actions of course but it has helped me at least understand that I’m not defined by my mistakes and failures especially if I feel guilty about them and damn if I messed up in the past I’m going to make a difference now. Plenty of ppl I admire make mistakes or do things I don’t even agree on and if that’s so they can do the same for me and if they can’t well that’s life. We are not our mistakes and failures they just are a part of us and it is very difficult at least for us OCD ppl to accept those just because we feel so bad and guilty on top of the negative talk from OCD

Peterson42

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Really well said! I suppose I just worry a lot that I’m not taking proper accountability. But ocd always finds a way to try and drive you into compulsions/confessions and we all just have to try our best not to give into them. As you said we are not our mistakes. They do not define us no matter how much ocd might tell you that it does

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Peterson42 Exactly and I’ve always worried about that to because taking accountability is good! OCD just wants to make it seem like it’s never enough or way worse than it needs to be. Even then it’ll just say “well you could have done this or suffered more or need to be held accountable for other stuff too”. It’s never satisfied but it does play on real values of growing/maturing, being accountable and responsible, and “I don’t want to hide my mistakes from ppl”. Which makes it hard to sift through sometimes because it’s muddling the line of real values to over the top out of context unrealistic values. Everything is appropriate in context to much or to little of something at said time and place can be bad. If we didn’t have water we’d die but we can’t just keep drinking it, we will get sick or drown. I love being happy but I’m not try to just bounce of the walls with joy when I’m at a funeral or someone is in a crisis. I need to adjust.

Peterson42

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Very well said!

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Peterson42 Thank you!

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

chickenmomma

Date posted: 22w

I struggle with confessing

This is my first post & I’m terrified. I have not been officially diagnosed w ocd yet but in a nutshell - I confessed some things I felt guilty about to my husband about five months ago. ( nothing too major ) but in our past, 20+ years ago I was unfaithful and it caused a LOT of harm, which I told him all of that back when it happened. But in recent months, I started getting consumed by guilt. I couldnt eat or sleep until I finally broke one night and told him all these recent little things I felt guilty about. Acting flirty, etc. And for him it like brought back allll the trauma from 20 years ago which I didn’t know would happen. But it’s so bad. He says he wishes I never told him. But even w that, I still feel like I keep thinking of “new things “ I did in the past, thoughts I had or dreams, or conversation w an ex,things like that. Because I am a Christian I also keep feeling like it’s the Holy Spirit telling me I haven’t told him everything and I need to. But I also know God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear .. I clearly need help, but I also want Christian based help so that it’s in line w what I believe ? I can’t eat and my anxiety is so bad again - I know if I confess more things it will keep destroying him, I don’t think he really understands or believes I have ocd. Thanks if you made it this far

DannyO507

Date posted: 12w

I need help dealing with this

I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?

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Feeling confused/stressed

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