Scared to lose him, help please

Ive been struggling with really bad ROCD for a year now and im in the healthiest relationship ive ever had. I cant even go to a therapist because im a medical student and i dont have the money for it yet. My boyfriend is a really decent amazing respectful man and he has been tolerating my re assurance seeking behavior for a long time. And yesterdays fit finally threw him off and he said he isnt scared to loose me anymore because, he wants a life with me but not a life where every action he makes is questioned even when his intentions are always pure. Im always asking him, does he look at other girls does he get horny when he sees a naked woman in a movie to all which he said No. he doesnt because he has never sexualized anyone. He doesnt find anyone else attractive either other than me because hes in love with me and i believe it because i know he is genuine. But i keep asking him questions its draining me out and its draining him too because of me . I am scared that im sabotaging the only good thing i have in my life. I love this man so much. That said theres things i had to constantly ask for too for example instead of just letting me keep asking, give me a heart felt assurance when i start relapsing with the questions and when i start doing better acknowledge it. Because it will make me feel better and ill try even more to sit with the uncertainty of everything and trust him whole heartedly. And that small things matter to me. We have even come to a middle ground when it comes to movies with severely explicit nudity and he already agreed to it (hes a movie nerd). I am constantly on the brink and edge of just giving in to the thoughts and asking him every now and then . But he is so fed up of me he said Its ruining his mental health and that he knows its twice in intensity for me but its not the kind of life he wants with someone he genuinely loves even after trying alot of things for me. Guys please i dont want to loose him. I want someone to be scared of loosing me and i feel like i have taken that away from him. I dont know what to do please . I love him so much. I know he loves me too he told me if i start relapsing he will do his best to provide me with assurance but if it keeps persisting after that it wont work. Because thats not a good life to lead in the future. It has gotten so bad to the point that everytime i have to ask he reacts like hes being held at gun point. And i hate seeing him like that because of me. I cannot handle loosing him. He sound really cold now and its scaring me alot. I need proper help from some of you please just give me some advice.

I told my boyfriend last night about all the times that I thought I “cheated” (I have ROCD) on him and he said that I didn’t but he still feels uncomfortable about it and I can tell he’s not answering me and he’s being really dry and his responses. He said it was fine but now I don’t know what to do because I know it’s not fine. I didn’t cheat on him, but I felt like I did and I told him that and I think it made him really uneasy. I just don’t wanna lose him and I’m scared because I had a dream about it and he got really mad and broke up with me. I didn’t want to tell him what I was going through in the first place, but it was eating at me so badly with the guilt I had to confess. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I cannot lose him.

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭