looking for help, scared of judgement

i’ve been having difficulty feeling a lot of guilt for past things i’ve done. such as mistakes etc. it’s even hard for me to share these things because i feel like such a bad person for them. one thing is for the longest time even up till recently there’s times i wouldn’t wash my hands after using the bathroom. i have no idea when i didn’t. but now i feel terrible for it. idk if i was being lazy at times sometimes ik my hands would be clean so i felt i didn’t have to other times i was lazy. i’m sure everyone has probably done this at one point in their life however i feel i probably did this more often. if i was cooking i’d wash my hands ofc before. but now i feel bad for potentially getting germs on other people bc i was being gross. this is hard to share bc i’m so scared of judgment. sometimes i’d turn the sink on and pretend i washed my hands when i was lazy. like i said i don’t know why and i have this insane amount of guilt for it. i keep thinking what if i put people at harm bc i was being gross. i used to babysit and i do think i washed my hands after using the bathroom most of the time or all the time but now i’m worried what if i didn’t them i’m putting the baby at risk. i just hate myself for this bc thinking back to it it’s so gross. i did this even up till i was 18 it’s not like i didn’t know right from wrong. like what is wrong with me why did i do this? and if you’re going to hate on me or make me feel guilty pls don’t respond bc i already feel very bad. i just can’t get this out of my head and don’t know why i did this so often. :/

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

I understand your guilt. The OCD is causing the rumination but don’t feel bad for having done this in the past especially if you don’t now. 1) this is a very minute thing in the grand scheme of mistakes for someone to concern them with someone who didn’t wash hands 2) it still is gross and you’ve acknowledged it which is why you’re feeling guilty 3) you’ve reflected on a past event that you feel differently about now and it wasn’t a fond memory of your character 4) you’re more than that and for the record coming from someone who thinks it’s gross for ppl not doing that, idc I’m just glad you do now and even if you still didn’t dude it’s not one for me to harp on your entire being. 5) now if you cannot stop this thought in a few hours or even days than it’s definitely your OCD kicking in the rumination part. There is nothing wrong by feeling guilty about this but do not let it ruin who you are.

ocdsucks248

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord 1) thank you for responding without judgement i appreciate this. 2) i definitely think i’m overreacting with how often i did this i think i did it more often when i was younger and started to do it less as i got older. 3) i think the main reason i feel guilty is because it’s something i wish i would’ve realized sooner. 4) i am glad that i now realized that it is gross and is an issue and i need to realize instead of feeling guilt to think positive and realize it’s a good thing bc now i won’t do it and that it doesn’t define my whole character.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

I’ve felt the same way with things too. You’re good though 🤙🏻 you got this

RMO2023

Date posted: 1y

OCD

gl0aming

Date posted: 25w

the guilt is all-consuming, advice needed

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

vmpstr_

Date posted: 24w

past guilt

hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

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looking for help, scared of judgement

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