I don't think i can make it

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better, if I’m ever going to feel good, if I’m ever going to be able to carry on with this 10 years down the road. It’s torture with no exit, for me recently. Every time I bring up my OCD around family, they get annoyed. I can’t go to friends because it has only been of temporary relief. I am literally tearing up as I write this. I’m afraid I’m so close to convincing myself of the horrible lies my OCD has been telling me. I just can’t, I don’t know if there’s anyone or thing that can make me feel better. It’s been like lifting gigantic boulder up a steep mountain the entire day—and I could be crushed by it if not careful. If there is a god, why must he put me through this? I have already been through some many enough hard times in life, this OCD has only magnified any insecurities, anxieties, feeling of loneliness, self hate, and negative emotions.

Sorry this is long I don’t know where to begin but, at the beginning of the year I went through something that was hard. And I was so mad at God bc I was so hurt and I felt like I was in so much pain and I was so alone. And I remember I had some bad thoughts. I don’t remember these thoughts exactly but lietrally months later I was sitting down all normal and dealing with other forms of OCD that were so painful, but less painful than this. Anyways so then since then I have been stressing that I might have acted of these thoughts. I don’t have a memory but my brain keeps telling me I did that. Anyways I have been having intrusive thoughts since and it hurts so much. It hurts so bad and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I keep having these thoughts and it makes me stress so much and want to throw up. It makes me hurt myself. I have bruises all over my body and I’m just so done with this. And sometimes my brain will bring these memories of these intrusive thoughts into my mind or say my trigger thoughts and it makes me hurt so much. And then I start to go over these thoughts bc I feel so bad and I don’t want to have them. Sometimes when I am stressing about theee things they pass by and it makes me panic so bad. I was lietrally just eating and I was punching my hand so hard while thinking about all the thoughts I have had and the things my OCD had made me believe I did, and while I was doing that a thought came to my mind about what my OCD keeps telling me I did and I panicked so hard. I had to eat so fast just so I can lock myself up in my room. I didnt want to have the thought. I think I was just lost in listening to my OCD and then I started talking to myself about what I think I did and when I had the thought I was punching my self so hard that I didn’t even have time to shake it off straight away. I have this conclusion where whenever I have a bad thought I write it down bc my brain tells me that I’m a bad person and I should forget about these thoughts so I grabbed my phone as soon as the panic set in. Sometimes I question whether I had those thoughts intentionally or if i forget them and then I remember the wrong thing and it makes me feel even worse. My brain tells me that if I don’t panic staright away and hurt myself then it means that I mean the thought. I’m in so much pain. I’m really don’t want to think about it but it happens and it feel so real and that it comes from me and that I did something bad. I know this makes no sense but I don’t want to be like this. I go to bed most nights hoping I never wake up. I really don’t mean theee thoughts, sometimes they come when u I’m justify thinking about all the bad things my OCD has made me believe I did and then I panic over remberinf these things. What if im thinking this on purpose? What if the thought I had is so much worse? What if God will never forgive me? I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life and im never going to get out of this. I was just trying to have a normal dinner but my mind never stops. Whether it’s me imaegnitn things or thinking about my thoughts and going over them, I feel so guilty. I can’t even get any help bc I can’t afford it. No one knows I go through this. Ok all alone. Im all alone .

It ruins every single day I don't feel like I'm self I have no self worth left I'm a constant mess I'm constantly panicking I can't do this anymore everything triggers me every single day is something new iv been struggling with this for ten years every single day is hell I haven't even eaten in days bearly I spend days obsession and my partner has to help me and it's putting strain on our relationship I can't even express how low I am and how I can't do this anymore I'm constantly having. Seizers from stress I ocd In my sleep it's constant hell everything triggers me I can't do anything without conpoltions I'm constantly in fight or flight and frozen in fear every single day I can't do this anymore