Would someone with a fear of being gay ever be a willing participant in a gay relationship and feel reassured by having gay thoughts, fantasies, or urges? Am I just confusing genuine attraction with OCD?
Generally speaking, although it can affect any orientation (gay, straight, bi, ace or pan) HOCD or SO-OCD usually involves ego-dystonic thoughts about becoming something you don’t want to be. ie, a straight person may have fears of becoming gay, secretly being gay, or having intrusive thoughts about whom they’re attracted to. I haven’t heard anyone suffering with it say they’d like to be in a gay relationship or feel happy with the thoughts. I’m not speaking for everyone but typically it’s an unwanted thing.
Then it sounds like I have a fear of having a fear of being gay which is ironic but makes total sense to me. Rhetorically speaking, why would I be in a relationship with another man and have unwanted intrusive thoughts, fears, and urges around members of the same sex if I'm afraid of all of those?
I don't know how much Id enjoy it but speaking with another gentleman who can relate with everything I feel, at this point it seems like the only way forward...to have some sort of experience to say yes or no in the end
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Well when I ruminate like you describe I know I would be happy with a man unlike a woman. I legit just want to know that my feelings for men are valid and not the result of a mental illness
I've never been officially diagnosed with this subtype and I'm unsure if my thoughts are intrusive or not; if they are then why do I like them and the validation that comes from them considering I questioned my sexuality without an irrational fear before learning what HOCD even was.
I’m in the same boat . I feel like I enjoy the thoughts , and I actually do feel aroused . It’s making me feel like my true self is gay . As if I have a gay dude or a girl voice in my head . I’ve actually considered experimenting with a man but I’m just so scared to do so . I’m scared I might like it . But then I also want to try it to confirm I won’t like it . But I just don’t see myself going through with that anytime soon . Also I hear that makes ocd worse .
It's opposite me, I want to confirm I do like it...
@Elliott Earle So you want to be homosexual ?
I have a boyfriend too so yeah I find men physically attractive and have accompanying thoughts, fantasies, feelings, etc. Unless everything I've learned about myself through questioning was all just HOCD ruining my life. I don't even avoid men. I'd be wonderful to knew that I'm not going crazy at least
@Elliott Earle Okay good for you ! So you don’t think it’s false attraction?
@Anonymous I would certainly hope it's not that
How did you know for sure you would enjoy being with a man ?
I've actually slept with my boyfriend and it turns out it feels good and I'm comfortable cuddling in bed with him and making out and such... We've known eachother for almost two years now so could I really be experiencing false attraction to him? I feel like I'm having to always defend what I feel about him
@Elliott Earle I feel you . Good for you . So you’ve never felt that way around women ? How do you feel around women ?
@Anonymous Well many women are beautiful to look at, but I don't find myself fixating on the idea of kissing them or having sex with them whenever I'm around them, plus I have slept with women before and I always felt icky afterwards. Furthermore I hardly ever catch myself staring at women with 'exciting' thoughts that feel good to me.
Women and I feel like two negative poles of a magnet pushing eachother away whenever I stand close. Men and I feel like positive and negative poles of a magnet pulling myself closer
@Elliott Earle I feel that way too which makes me wonder if I’m gay
@Anonymous Well maybe we both are, maybe this belief that there's something wrong with us keeps us in an endless cycle of questioning if it's OCD or our sexual orientation. It could be meta ocd obsessions where we obsess about obsessing over our orientation
Have you always fixated on the idea with men? I know for sure I haven’t . However when I see a beautiful woman I don’t really remember it I actually fixated on the intimacy part . But I know yet I did know I wanted to do so, but not really imaging it . But I have never thought of a man in that aspect
@Anonymous It *if Yet * that
I have occasionally fixated on men in the past but thought nothing of it, and also had some earlier experiences with a cartain man (lots of shame behind that story though) to the point where I concluded and I labeled myself as bi-curious with no problems. I mightve also fixated on the idea of being intimate with females but I think that I was only attracted to the idea and not the actual act of it if that makes sense. Nowadays the thought and act of being with a man just feels better and more in line with who I am. Or I'm just crazy.
@Elliott Earle Is there anyway I can contact you please?
Phone number so you can text?
@Elliott Earle 7736214674
I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.
If you truly aren''t homophobic you wouldn't be afraid of being gay unless in very specific cases of bisexual cycling, what is the difference?
I’ve been struggling with HOCD for years, and it started with an intrusive thought about being gay when I was younger. It came up at age 12 and ever since, I’ve been trapped in a cycle of doubt and anxiety. I obsess over whether or not I’m secretly gay, even though I don’t feel that way at all. What makes it worse is the fear that I might have internalized homophobia, and that’s why I’m having these obsessive thoughts. I worry that my anxiety is a sign that I’m repressing something or rejecting part of myself. It feels like my mind keeps repeating the same question—am I gay?—and no matter how much reassurance I get, the fear doesn’t go away. I used to pray for my family members, fearing that if I didn’t, something bad would happen to them, and now it feels like I have to control these thoughts, or something will go wrong. For a while, it was quieter, but a week ago, the thoughts spiraled up again, and now the anxiety feels overwhelming again. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to break free from this constant loop of doubt. Has anyone dealt with the fear of internalized homophobia alongside HOCD? How do you manage the anxiety that comes with it?
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