Constantly looking for red flags

I love my fiancé so much, but ever since getting engaged I’ve been just looking for red flags of emotionally abusive behaviors. He has made mistakes in the past, and we’ve talked through everything and he has been so good (not saying his past mistakes were even abusive, it would be things like he used to want me to talk to him during my lunch breaks since we haven’t talked all day rather than sit with my coworkers which we’ve talked about since and hasn’t been a problem at all). He is super caring when we talk about things, but I just can’t help but keep looking for things. For example, today he was angry because the pay meter was giving him a hard time and I went to help him and he said “wait stop” in an angry tone. I brought it up with him and he apologized and told me he didn’t even know I said that and that he is so sorry. I just keep googling signs or a toxic relationship and I’m scared like what if I’m in one? All my friends and family say I’m fine (and trust me, I tell them EVERYTHING for reassurance compulsion purposes), but idkkkk. (Also, this is one of my many ROCD themes. I used to worry I didn’t love him which I now am not worried about). Can someone please help me

Relationship OCD

Gene&O

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey friend! Please know that you aren’t alone, I am constantly in what feels like hypervigilance mode, looking for red flags, despite being shown over and over this person is safe. But I often can find “reasons” to validate the seeking, despite them being very normal understandable behaviors by my partner, who listens and understands if I share a worry/fear/unhappy feeling. It feels uncomfy, but lately, I try to just say “maybe/maybe not” in regards to whether or not someone else may view this as a red flag, whether my partner meant to, etc…Obviously this can be very scary, but it has helped me. I also have tried writing things down that I deemed as “bad” behaviors by my partner, and tell myself I can address them, but not in a compulsive state. Best of luck friend 💕

spookycupcake

Date posted: 1y ago

I do this too, and my partner actually does often make mistakes where he makes jokes that hurt my feelings or lies to work about the reason he’s not there and it feels like a huge deal especially because I know that those are real issues. But it always ends up being where he didn’t realize that I would have found it hurtful or his brothers make similar jokes to their wives so his exposure is kind of biased towards the bad jokes. I do still worry about this stuff a lot even as I post but I know him as a person and continue to work on trusting his good intentions. It’s really hard when it’s this gray area where he actually did something that I believe is wrong but assuming I still want to stay with him (which I do), I have to work on accepting that he isn’t perfect and isn’t going to have every single outlook that I have on things and as long as he’s willing to listen to and respect your feelings that is what’s really important, assuming there isn’t any actual emotional abuse going on which is obviously super hard to determine when you’re in an anxious panicky state

spookycupcake

Date posted: 1y ago

@spookycupcake Okay now I’m afraid my post sounds like he’s abusive and problematic and like I’m promoting staying in a toxic relationship I didn’t mean for it to sound that way 😭

spookycupcake

Date posted: 1y ago

@spookycupcake The point is it sounds like you’re in a healthy relationship

Kas_C

Date posted: 20w ago

Relationship OCD

I’ve just recently found out that Relationship OCD is a thing. I feel like I relate but it also feels like relationship trauma. I’m in a fairly new relationship and I keep telling myself that things are going great, we are good, he cares for me, but does he? There’s this unbelievable amount of self doubt that sits in me because of what my ex did to me many months ago. I kept getting told that I do too much, i smother, need constant reassurance, then got told that I don’t care enough, the things I do aren’t enough and that I’m not enough. I feel like I am waiting for the day that I get broken up with because of these “problems” just so I can be proven right at the fact that I should be considered unlovable. I go through this every month around my period because I get so emotional and nervous that I stress over the idea that he doesn’t like me. How does someone continue a relationship with Relationship OCD? How do I explain it?

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w ago

Relationship obsessions

I'm struggling really hard with relationship obsessions. Do I really love my partner? How can I know? Am I really just faking it? That kind of thing. It's making my life and relationship a lot harder than they need to be. I could use a few helpful coping mechanisms, trying to move away from less helpful ones like chasing reassurance.

Relationship OCD

Songtothesiren

Date posted: 13w ago

Rocd

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

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Constantly looking for red flags

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