Hurting myself to make up for what I’ve done

Sometimes I ”hurt” my pets without wanting it, my body would move on its own and like I would push my cat with my foot a bit too hard or squeezing them a bit too hard while picking them up or stuff like that, and I’d be immediately filled with guilt afterwards, stoping immediatly after I realise what I was doing to them, then I would give them treats or pet them for a while to make up for it. This doesn’t cut it anymore, I can’t just allow myself to enjoy life and spend time talking or playing with friends and not addressing this issue, so I think the solution to make my brain understand it’s not ok to do those things is to delete my savefiles in those games, prevent myself from seeing or talking to my friends, I need to hurt myself emotionally, to deprive myself frm thi gs that make me happy, so that I can give my brain a lesson. The other day I failed in asking my teacher to go back home so that I could remove an extinguisher from the closet which could have fallen on my pets, I tried to call my parents to do it to no avail, I could have just asked my teacher, even if he refused at least I would have done the best I could, but I didn’t, out of malicious intent or just because I didn’t want to bring the attention on me during class, I will never know... And that’s why I need to hurt myself.

Emmnala

Date posted: 1y

Do you love your pets ?

Emmnala

Date posted: 1y

Do you physically ever hit them ? Or starve them or kick them really hard?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

No of course not, I would never do such a thing, everytime I can I pet them and make sure they have plenty of food and water. What I’m talking about is involuntary actions my body does spontaneously to ”hurt” them, I guess it would be more bother them? It’s a bit like when you would lightly hit a friend to mess with them somewhat, but no I never hit them and never will.

Emmnala

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Yes I think it’s just the ocd tricking us

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Emmnala I’m not sure in my case it’s exactly my brain tricking us, I can still feel while doing these actions that I somewhat ”enjoy” them in a cathartic way, maybe in like a cute aggression kinda way idk, but those events did happen regardless, now did I really hurt my cats doing them, I wouldn’t necessarily be sure of that, most of the time they don’t even meow or flinch or try to escape or whatever.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend @Emmnala Or maybe this feeling of ”enjoying” it is indeed OCD tricking my brain, I know it does happen in intrusive thoughts so it might be the same here, regarless I certainly don’t enjoy it afterwards and feel more guilty and horrified than anything else. But yeah those events did happen.

Emmnala

Date posted: 1y

If not , you are not doing anything wrong. Your brain is tricking you. I go through this same thing with my daughter. I’m like okay I must have squeezed too hard when I picked her up or I could have prevented her falling on her butt but I didn’t) she’s starting to almost walk). But the reality is I think it’s really just our brains tricking us. My daughter doesn’t scream or cry when I pick her up or she falls on her butt or anything like that. I don’t physically hit her or neglect her. And I’m sure your pets would cry or whine if you were really hurting them as well

Emmnala

Date posted: 1y

Thank you for this post bc I’ve been having trouble as well a lot recently but trust me we got this

Bleebloop

Date posted: 24w

TW: mentions of self harm

I don’t really know what’s going on today but I’m relapsing hard into wanting to self harm. I haven’t since I was a teenager but ive just got this itch under my skin and it almost hurts more than actually doing it would. I don’t know what to do, all the tips aren’t working. I can’t just do it either because I had a therapist who told me people who self harm go to hell. I just need to get this feeling out of me and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure why it’s happening. I feel like I need to be punished for something but I don’t know what I did wrong. I guess this is mostly venting but if anyone has some alternatives to self punishment I’d appreciate it. Most of the tips I’ve seen have been for other types of self harm so none of it is really helping. I’ll probably delete this in a bit I just want to get it out. I can’t talk with anyone about it and I don’t see my therapist until th weekend

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

anonymousgg

Date posted: 15w

Do I deserve to be forgiven? TW animal a***

When I was a child 7-10, I had this wonderful dog. I loved him so much. However sometimes, I would hit him out of either anger or because I liked the way he would lick my hand to say 'sorry'. At age 13, my OCD sparked up badly. I had no idea what it was, but I would bully him. Badly. He was never hurt, but he was agitated. Then I found some kittens and saved them just after turning 14. I let them stay in my room with me for a few weeks to help them. One very early morning, however, they raged me so bad that I began hitting them nonstop. They didn't cry, nor do run away. Hell, all of my pets were never ever scared of me. They loved me for some reason. For so long I've been doing my best to help animals and adore my pets, and I've sworn to never EVER hurt an animal again. I love them so much. I remember though I would never hit them so hard to make them cry out, because I've been inflicting the way I hit them onto my arms and thighs to see how bad it hurt, and gladly, it didn't really hurt. Stung a bit, at most, but doesn't make what I did anymore okay. Do I deserve my babies anymore? Do I deserve to even live? I feel so ashamed and I don't want to use my OCD as an excuse, nor say that maybe I was traumatised because of it because people have been through worse than me, so I don't want to compare. Any small comment will do, thank you for reading

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Hurting myself to make up for what I’ve done

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