realeventwitsend

Date posted: 1y

Hurting myself so I don’t hurt others

Sometimes I « hurt » my pets without wanting it, my body would move on its own and like I would push my cat with my foot a bit too hard or squeezing them a bit too hard while picking them up or stuff likethat, and I’d be immediately filled with guilt afterwards, stoping immediatly after I realise what I was doing to them, then I would give them treats or pet them for a while to make up for it. This doesn’t cut it anymore, I can’t just allow myself to enjoy life and spend time talking or playing with friends and not addressing this issue, so I think the solution to make my brain understand it’s not ok to do those things is to delete my savefiles in those games, prevent myself from seeing or talking to my friends, I need to hurt myself emotionally, to deprive myself from things that make me happy, so that I can give my brain a lesson. The other day I failed in asking my teacher to go back home so that I could remove an extinguisher from the closet which could have fallen on my pets, I tried to call my parents to do it to no avail, I could have just asked my teacher, even if he refused at least I would have done the best I could, but I didn’t, out of malicious intent or just because I didn’t want to bring the attention on me during class, I will never know … And that’s why I need to hurt myself. I would never do such a thing, everytime I can I pet them and make sure they have plenty of food and water. What I’m talking about is involuntary actions my body does spontaneously to “hurt” them, I guess it would be more bother them? It’s a bit like when you would lightly hit a friend to mess with them somewhat, but no I never hit them and never will. I’m not sure in my case it’s exactly my brain tricking us, I can still feel while doing these actions that I somewhat “enjoy” them in a cathartic way, maybe in like a cute aggression kinda way idk, but those events did happen regardless, now did I really hurt my cats doing them, I wouldn’t necessarily be sure of that, most of the time they don’t even meow or flinch or try to escape or whatever. Or maybe this feeling of “enjoying” it is indeed OCD tricking my brain, I know it does happen in intrusive thoughts so it might be the same here, regardless I certainly don’t enjoy it afterwards and feel more guilty and horrified than anything else. But yeah those events did happen.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

Sorry to hear of your pain. You’ve already said it yourself that you would never hurt them purposely and are actually in your mind to prevent bad things from happening. Definitely do not hurt yourself and resist the best you can of your compulsions or space them out longer. That’ll help because it seems like hyper responsibility is kicking in for sure. Have you talked to a therapist?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

I would never hurt them, but when I was in class idk what went through my brain for not leaving to go back home early and prevent harm, I’m not sure if I was doing it out of malicious intent but I was definetely thinking about not going back and getting anxious over it because I remember thinking at that moment that I would have to delete my savefile because I was doing something bad, so maybe it was just because I knew the teacher wouldn’t let me go, especially with only like half an hour of class left and maybe I didn’t want to be the center of attention in class while my teacher was denying my request so I don’t know what went through my brain. I feel like hurting myself is the best way to teach myself a lesson because I feel like just getting off easely would just reinforce the belief I can get away harming them without any repercussion. I had an appointement with my psychiatrist today but he cancelled it last second and told me next one was in like 3 months.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Please don’t hurt yourself. You are not to blame for what you’re going through. I’m sorry your doctor canceled on you, that is so frustrating. Have you ever looked into therapy through NOCD?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I am very much to blame for what has happened. But yeah, I have considered NOCD for therapy, however I can’t as I don’t have the financial means to cover the cost of a therapy sadly.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend You are not to blame. All these though yes are your OCD talking right now. You’re animals love you and do not hurt yourself to teach yourself a lesson that is your compulsion and it’ll reinforce your OCD. Youll learn and you know now not to hurt them but your OCD will never learn. Is there someone you can reach out to?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord I’m not gonna know not to hurt them, well I mean, I don’t want to of course, but it’s a thing my body does on its own, I’m not controlling it, now the thing that happened with the extinguisher it’s debatable on whether or not I did that deliberatly, I myself don’t know. And no, there isn’t anybody I can reach out to sadly :(

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend There are support groups on here you can join and lots of great resources/articles. YouTube is a good resource too for learning about OCD

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend It definitely sounds like OCD. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Maybe your parents can lend you some money to see someone here at least once

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend There are also support groups on here too

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord They’re even more broke than me I’m afraid :( But why would that sound like OCD? To me making things right sounds like the right thing to do. Whether I want it or not, my brain and/or body seem to want to hurt my pets, the logical thing to do would be to teach my brain a lesson by erasing something it loves, since it’s what it used to justify giving itself a break from all the sleepless nights I was trying to make up for bothering my cats. I thought I needed to enjoy life and that I had limited time on Earth and I had nearly no social interaction and wanted things to change, I made the argument I had suffered enough and deserve something good for once and that I couldn’t change who I was, even if that meant my body was hurting my pets, well apparently, that’s not the case, I don’t deserve anything good, so I need to punish myself.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend You truthfully don’t want to harm anyone. OCD (your brain) for example will tell you that you want to because it goes against core values. Then we do a compulsion (hurting yourself to make you feel better or constantly wondering what else you can do to make sure things are safe). If our minds make us believe something over and over again eventually we develop body responses especially if we are so focused on what the brain is telling us (you want to hurt animals and your movements seem to match) BUT it can just seem that way because that’s where your focus is. I am not a professional so I can’t diagnose you but it just sounds like classic OCD and regardless I am sorry to hear you feel that way because definitely don’t harm yourself.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord I get what you mean and I partially agree, it’s not that my movements seem to match, they DO match, because it did happen, I agree I’m not hitting them properly speaking but what happens to them when those movements do occur is by no mean a pleasant experience.

lily_07

Date posted: 1y

Hey, I think maybe what you mean by like squeezing them a little harder is a compulsion, like to check everything is ok if you know what I mean

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

No it’s definetly more like cute agression maybe, or maybe as I said just slightly ”hurting” someone in a friendly manner, or maybe I just have a pulsion to do such a thing albeit in a not too harmful manner idk

Tanza_night67

Date posted: 24w

Intrusive thoughts of Hurting others

I have this issue where I can vividly imagine hurting others or animals or say things OUTLOUD that may be disruptive or disrespectful becauss I am overstimulated by soemthing someone is doing or saying. So, Over stimulation with people and animals and things they do can be a big part of it, Sometimes I will see soemthing that bothers me about someone and I just want to either fix it or hit them because they make me so overstimulated I just want to hit the problem. I never act on these things obviously but SOMETIMES it leaks out and I hit my hands together to calm the urges. I really don’t like imagining hurting others but when I get mad I obsess over what I would or could do to them or might or would’ve in a situation in the past, had it planned out differently. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it and then get upset with myself because I know it’s wrong to be thinking about hurting others and it worries me I may someday act on something impulsive and harm someone. Sometimes I cry about it because I never want to hurt people. Really I don’t. Most of these thoughts happen in milliseconds and I have a second part in my brain like a THOUGHT processor/auto corrective thinking reminding me I can’t do that because it’s morally wrong and I am too good of a person to do that and there is nothing to stress over.

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

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