Confused

TW‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ So a about 6 years ago when I was 10 I had SOOCD really really bad and I had no idea what OCD was so I was so confused, it was triggered of when I was about 8 because a girl said she had a crush on me and then I was like ‘what if I like her back ‘ and then i remember finding an older girl pretty and thinking ‘what if i have a crush on her’ i remember feeling extremely stressed and anxious all the time and i was in a deep depression where i would cry every night and I didn’t tell my mum for about 3 years so I was struggling very bad for about 3 years and I would constantly ruminate and avoid the girl I thought was pretty and I would look at pictures of women to see if I was attracted to them and I would get groinal responses and all the other things you get with SOOCD,it was even worse aswell because it was mixed in with morality OCD where from the age of about 7 i would write down things I thought I did wrong on pieces of paper for hours so I could review them later because there was so much and I was so mentally exhausted,and I haven’t felt fully happy really ever if I’m being honest, i think I was happy until I was about 4 and then. That’s when it started but I can’t remember much before 4,harm OCD was also triggered when I was 7 and of course I was terrified I thought I was a psychopath I remember crying to my mum and saying what if I want to hurt people and she didn’t really know what it was back then,anyway I eventually told my mum and I said “what if I like girls”and I wrote it on a note and slid it under her door because I was to scared to say it and I would avoid saying the words gay and lesbian and bisexual and she told me there is nothing wrong with that and I shouldn’t be scared and she supported me but then she saw how it was taking over my life and I was in a constant cortisol soup everyday and I would cry every night and feel extremely anxious and did so many compulsions,anyway that theme lasted for about 4-5 years and only last year it disappeared because a new worse theme came along and I don’t know why but when SOOCD started there wasn’t a specific reason why I didn’t want to like girls all I knew is that I didn’t want to like girls but there was no reason all I know is that it distressed me but now today I’m not bothered and I think I might even be attracted to girls I don’t really know though but part of me still doesn’t want to but at the same time even if I was I wouldn’t really care much I even get moments where I think that’s exciting like It’s something new and exciting and I think I might of even had attraction to some girls but I don’t really know sometimes it feels fake I’m just confused 😭😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey again. Maybe OCD is attacking you this way because of your moral values? Like a tiny thought pops in, even with a "groinal" response and your OCD hyper focuses on it, like OH MY, HOW COULD I, I CAN'T BE, WHAT IF I AM, I'D HATE MYSELF IF I WAS, I THINK I WANT TO BE, WHAT WOULD PEOPLE THINK, I MUST BE THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH... when all along you didn't have to respond at all because nothing changed, internally or externally. Manage thoughts, self care. Two important parts to our journey. (Hope you don't mind the all caps, that's how my mind thinks about soocd 🙂)

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

And... I'd be willing to listen to you talk about your troubles as we eat a half gallon of ice cream 🙂

Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I can really relate to how your SOOCD came on, mines a very similar story. This is the third time I’m dealing with the theme (I’m mostly on recovery) but the thoughts don’t go away. They are always there in the background and sometimes I think maybe I just find women attractive? Idk. I’ve settled with maybe maybe not and that maybe I fall somewhere on the very confusing spectrum of sexuality 🤣

Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@0876 Here’s the thing…there are so many people who identify as straight that find the same sex attractive or have even been intimate with the same sex and they aren’t over here freaking out or obsessing lol

Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@0876 Oh no I totally get it! That was my biggest fear before getting engaged. I’ve always been a “I’ll figure that out later” person when it came to my OCD but getting engaged made it really real. Anything can happen (not to trigger you) but try to remember that if something DID happen you would be doing it to make yourself happy

Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@0876 ♥️

Pogoshow

Date posted: 18w

SOOCD

I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments

mriley♥

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6w

Question about SOOCD

Ok so TRIGGER WARNING if you are not in therapy for SOOCD or are early in therapy for SOOCD please don't read this. Hi, I'm Maddie. I'm 19 and bisexual and diagnosed with OCD (mainly harm OCD and contamination OCD). I am religious and am a nonacting bisexual that happens to be married to a man. Despite this I am still attracted to women. I have also dealt with SOOCD or internalized homophobia, I'm not sure which, where I have second guessed my sexuality over and over and had intrusive thoughts about kissing random people, mostly girls. It took me from 6th grade to 9th grade to finally accept that I am attracted to women as well as men. I would compulsively take sexuality quizzes, avoid thinking about women I found attractive and a lot of things that were definitely compulsive, but I am not sure this was SOOCD or not because I actually am bisexual. At the time however I was thinking I was straight and absolutely terrified of being gay. Now I have accepted myself (conveniently after finding a boyfriend during my questioning) and the compulsions have passed, though some avoidance still occurs. This said, I am wondering if what I experienced was SOOCD or just internalized homophobia from being a Christian? ( Now I believe that being gay is not a sin but acting on it may be, though I don't know for sure. Please don't hate me for that, it's something I only apply to myself not to others. I have no desire to force others not to act on their feelings or beliefs)

O.C.D 123

Date posted: 5w

Struggling with past events and asexuality

Im a 22F i have struggled with ocd probably all my life but it really came to a head when i was 15 I had a severe panic attack surronding the potential of being lesbian or asexual. As a young child i did experiment with some of my friends and remembering feeling arousal. At the age of around 7 i started watching corn, mainly lesbian corn i guess i found it more arousing (This makes me very anxious would watch twerking or provocative stuff. Although from memory i only had crushes on boys. I still continued to watch corn changing types and so forth. When i got a bit older i became really shy and scared of boys i remember being 13 and this boy liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend i panicked and cried. I would panic for days after my first kiss worrying about people knowing or i was bad etc. I felt as though i would find guys attractive but wouldnt think “ I want them to rip my clothes off” i would think they are hot or nice to look at and may feel nice inside. Around the age of 13 i saw this girl at a cheer comp who i thought was stunning i became obsessed with her wanting to be her friend and even starting cheer at the gym i dont believe i wanted to be intimate with her but i cant really remember all i know is i started to by clothes i saw her wearing and wanting to be like possibly thought about a kiss but i cant remember and if i did i dont remember me thinking much about it at the time. Then when i hit around 15 it all came to ahead ending with me in the hospital from the sheer panic of being a lesbian bi or asexual. I had gotten over that theme but still felt my attraction was warped to some degree, and continuing porn use. i then enetered my first relationship and i liked him at the start but sex was an issue i felt excited but not satisfied due to manu reasons including contamination and checking if i felt attracted or aroused enough. Currently going through another episode of this and i really would like some help, advice and i know reassurance is not great but if anyone has experienced something similar. I cant picture myself in a relationship with a woman and i dont think im attracted to any women in real life but i also worry that im not attracted to boys either i just feel like my childhood is a stem for my anxiety with this theme Sorry for the long post

Sexual Orientation OCD

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