I’m sorry, guys.

@Anonymous87 Thank, you! It is important for me that I can identify with someone. It brought some tears to my eyes. And I know these are genuine.

@68273 Thank, you! I looked it up and meta ocd might be playing its role on my mind, yes. A week ago I could see my thoughts as myself testing my reactions and feelings to scenarios, and I would be more certain that it was OCD. This week the reaction changed, though, and it actually felt and feels more real than ever. The guilt usually comes after a while when I get “calmer “. I used to get the feeling of guilt right at the moment of the thought or picture, and it didnt happen this week with most of these thoughts. Thats another thing that changed. I just hope therapy helps. I also got some suicidal thoughts this time, because of the guilt that came afterwards maybe. It just feels like Im gonna disappoint so Many people that see me as this polite and calm guy. And also my family. I just hope therapy works. Next appointment is on tuesday.

@ekoe1 Thank you! I had thoughts again this morning. Im not having anxiety or guilt with them at the moment I have them, and maybe thats a new parttern of the OCD. And I noticed i start imagining scenarios and even consider acting on the harm action in my head. Maybe thats part of the rumination. During the morning it is the worst because I just accept that I like the idea of that action. No guilt or anxiety involved. But the time passes and I Will be with that conclusion in my head. And there is something that I feel that I dont know if it is guilt. Maybe its just a perception as well, but as soon as I get up from the sofa or bed (where I was stuck ruminating and reading posts and taking psycopath/sociopath tests) and start moving, that thought loses a little power. I dont know how to explain. I still feel like I would act at that moment though. And When I try to remember or relive that thought or feeling I had, I cant really be sure. I just hope I can Handle myself cause I always think “oh.. you are gonna do it at some point in your life. You wont be able to hold yourself”.

@mrmicsd Totally understand. I have been there and sometimes still am. When those thoughts pop into my head I say "oh, there's one of my obessions" then I say "whatver" or "I'm not going there"...I try to act as if the thoughts are totally unimportant and then redirect my attention toward something I want or should be doing. The, I just allow that yucky, scared feeling to be with me, but I don't analyze it, argue with it, or allow to to dominate my thoughts. It takes lots of practice, and there are plenty of times I find myself ruminating again, but when I do, I go back to what I told you.

@AnonymousMouse🐭 Well. Everytime Im getting to know a person, I start to get harm thoughts towards that person. I was suposed to meet someone on Monday but during the morning I pictured myself acting to a harm scenario and everything in me felt like I was gonna do it. There was like a general acceptance that I was going to get up, grab a knife. And do it. For the first time in a while I sat in my bad and said “no Renan, no “ out of my mouth. And had a few tears out of my eyes. But then I felt like they were fake. I had to go to work, even though I felt really bad. That day I decided I had to search for therapy. And I did. I cancelled the meeting I was gonna have that day. Therapy was good, I was kinda calm so I wasnt feeling bad at the moment. The following days, though, I had that feeling in the body everyday, that I want tô do it, and that Im an inch away from doing it, and that I dont have the strength to resist something that I want to do. And anxiety doesnt seem to appear. So I can see myself doing the action and enjoying it. And I end up picturing it in my head and thinking “i decide to do it”. I dont know how to explain it in words and it seems like im “faking” it to look like ocd. But it really feels like a true desire. I cant even do anything to distract myself. I just can tell that this feeling is so strong When Im reading NOCD posts or Reddit or listening to ocd podcasts. I dont know.

@AnonymousMouse🐭 It seems like Im resisting urges 24/7. Even When I go for a run there are urges to hit people with my elbow.

@mrmicsd The fact you’ve brought his here and are worried shows you care and if you care it shows you wouldn’t act on those thoughts. My OCD only touched on this slightly like I would have these thoughts in my head and think ooo I wonder what the sensation would be and how it would feel to do something bad like that. I don’t know if you have dissociation but I feel this sometimes plays a part like you feel you want to do something so drastic to kind of wake you up from a trance? I don’t know too much about the extremity you feel this ocd has on you so I can’t advise much more but therapy is definitely a good idea and I hope it gets better soon. Also the crying feeling make I get that I sometimes have this weird sensation where I’m crying and then feel like I’m doing an evil smile and then feel really evil it’s scary so maybe that’s something similar we have experienced but I don’t know What it is. If anyone has experienced this too please help us x ❤️‍🩹 Hope this helps abit x❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

@AnonymousMouse🐭 Thank you for the reply. I feel a bit more in control right now but I know it Will come Back. The mornings have been the time of the day it is reaching its peak these days. Im not sure how dissociation feels though, i dont think i experience it , but maybe I do. Its the first time Im actually gonna work with an OCD therapist. It was hard do find one in my country but I did find one, thankfully. I really hope he helps me, cause this week has been so hard. I wasnt going to leave my home today, but I think I found some strength to at least eat something outdside, and maybe walk a little bit and sit at the grass. Maybe it will help.

@mrmicsd Well done for getting out today that was a huge and massive step so you should be proud of yourself 💪❤️‍🩹 I hope the therapy works. Give it a chance. Dissociation is when things don’t feel quite real or numb like you are watching your life through a simulation or like a video game kind of like feeling disconnected from yourself.

@AnonymousMouse🐭 Thank you! Yeah. I did go outside. Had lunch, rode a bike a little, went to a library, ate some more, and scheduled a hair cut. It was a good choice.

@mrmicsd That’s loads for one day! Well done 👏 I’m proud so you should definitely be proud ❤️‍🩹

@AnonymousMouse🐭 Today I pictured scenarios again which made me sure I am a psycopath or a killer. I also imagined myself acting like I was in a GTA game Sometimes, but in real life. So maybe these images that I picture in my head are part of the dissociation you mentioned. Mornings are the worst and I guess I engage in rumination purposely every morning, by imagining all these scenarios. Then there is no anxiety, no guilt .. it sucks. I hope it is a new pattern that OCD created to get in my head. But Yeah, it sucks.

@mrmicsd Sounds tough. I hope things get easier. Why do you imagine all the scenarios in the morning? Have you got another therapy session soon? Not sure if it’s dissociation because it’s a feeling rather than images but could still be because I’m no expert

@AnonymousMouse🐭 Im not sure why. Its kinda been automatic. Maybe to check feelings. Usually When I wake up Im already with some kind of weird feeling in my body as well. Next therapy session is on tuesday. He said we Will start ERP then.

@mrmicsd Maybe it’s a way to prepare yourself by predicting what might come up in your day Good it’s soon and hopefully it will be helpful You’ve got this and you are strong remember that, feeling the way you do must be terrifying and the fact you are talking on here, seeking therapy is amazing and anything extra you do in the day is a bonus ❤️‍🩹💪