Past and Recent Trigger

Past Event from High School: • When I was in high school, I met this guy named Ryan. • I happened to like and comment on a picture from his Instagram. • After we began talking and found out we went to the same high school, we decided to get to know each other. • In the talk, I really liked him and everything he was saying but one thing really triggered me and my OCD. • He was transgender. • At the time, I barely knew what that was or what the word meant. • So, I asked him to explain it. To which he did. • This led me to letting him know that I thought it wasn’t best to date because I wasn’t sure that could handle him being transgender; an important note here is that I had just come out. • Later on, as our friendship developed, I developed feelings and we decided to date. • For the short two weeks I tore my insides out fighting my brain (OCD). My anxiety was at an all time high: I didn’t have any appetite or will to do anything else; I was hyper focused on figuring this out. • Some of thoughts I had were: o Am I attracted to him? o Does this mean I’m not gay or some other sexuality? o Do I like or am I attracted to his parts? o He isn’t normal. Don’t you just want a normal boy? o What will mom, dad…family think of him? My family won’t love him and accept him. o Focusing on this one part of him over the total person. o You can’t talk to mom or anyone about this. • I am not proud of this next part; I shared some of my thoughts with him. • It really hurt him. I apologized like crazy. I told him I’d have a therapy session with my therapist the day after our date that we planned. • After therapy, I left the decision in his hands, “Know this stuff about me, and my unsureness, would you be okay with letting me figure this out while I date you?” His answer was “No.” Thinking back on it I don’t blame him in the slightest. After “Past Event”: • We eventually returned to being friends. • Every time I saw him my anxiety would spike; I saw him every day walking to and from classes; we didn’t interact with each other, but I ALWAYs knew he was there. I saw him on social media. • Once graduated and unfollowing him from socials, I mostly forgot about him. • When college started, I was fine, for the most part, until his birthday in December to which I went, and my anxiety, loss of appetite, returned. • It left a couple days after. • On my birthday, he reached out to see if I wanted to “Explore and try things for fun.” To which I replied no and proceeded to have an anxiety attack with the symptoms above but shaking included. • I talked to him about it and told him that he deserved to experience stuff with someone who really cares for and was sure about him; I also found out later that his ex-girlfriend was also unsure of him being transgender, just like me. • It was then that I decided I needed to attend therapy with a new therapist; one on my campus. • My first session, I balled my eyes out about everything I was going through aside from Ryan and with Ryan included. • We had many therapy sessions thereafter. I also was able to talk about it with some close college friends that I had made. It took me about 1-2 years to move on from this. • During those 1-2 years I spent a good amount of time learning about gender, transgender issues…so that I could gain knowledge and fill in gaps of information. • Jump ahead to know, I have a decent understanding with room to learn; but I’ve also developed my own perceptions/beliefs/definitions about it all. Last Night: • I’m on dating apps again and I really hit it off with this one person I was talking to. • We decided to exchange numbers to plan a date. • Through our talk via cell phone text, non-planning, we had a really deep and great conversation. • In it, he revealed that he is non-binary (using he/they pronouns). He did it in a very informal way to which I didn’t address it because… • My anxiety went through the roof. Rating = 100. It was like I was back in the situation with Ryan. • So, after ending the conversation for the evening, I googled, “nonbinary,” to understand it; it confused me. • I journaled so I could sleep. Then I proceeded to think about it here and there throughout the night. • This morning, he sent a text letting me know he is free this evening to discuss a plan for our date. • Before responding I had similar thoughts to the one’s I had when things happened with Ryan: o Am I attracted to him? o Does this mean I’m not gay or some other sexuality? o Do I like or am I attracted to his parts? (I don’t know what they are yet) o What will mom, dad…family think of him? My family won’t love him and accept him. o Focusing on this one part of him over the total person. o You can’t talk to mom about this. • Unsimilar thoughts: o Am I attracted to masculinity/femininity? o What if I hurt him like I did Ryan? o It’ll be better to end this to protect him, and myself, from any of the harm I’ll put both of us or my family will put both of us through. • More hopeful/positively-connotated thoughts: o This is different than it was with Ryan. o I’m a different person than I was back then. o I’m more open-minded. o I’m not really letting him decide either. o I’ve learned a lot and I am still learning. • I was going to send this message: o “Hey *Name*, This is gonna come off abrupt and I apologize. I don’t wish to continue talking/dating… I know we hit it off last night, well at least I think so. And I think we mesh well. I’d like to give you a reason but I can’t share the specific details except that our dynamic reminds me of a person of the past. You and him share a similar identity characteristic. I wound up hurting him and myself (emotionally/mentally) because of it. I don’t wish to put you or I through the same. I know I’m a different person from back then and I’ve grown a lot; It just happens to be something I’ve learned won’t end well. If you want to ask questions or wish to know more lmk. I can try my best to explain and we can talk it out but that may or may not require me to bring some of my baggage out. Idk if you want to do that; we just ‘met’. Again, it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Please don’t take anything personally, you’re amazing and deserve a beautiful life and partner. You deserve someone who is sure about you. -Nicholas • But I didn’t because I didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like I was making a choice. It felt like I had to do it to feel any sense of relief or ultimate relief. • I decided to talk to my mom about it. Oddly enough, she was very non-judgmental and helpful. Her suggestion was to reach out to my therapist. But also, to talk about and ask questions to the guy about his identity and what it means for him and how he expresses himself. We also discussed how this is different than the Ryan situation and that I am, in fact, a different person than I was in high school.