realeventwitsend

Date posted: 1y

What is wrong with me...

I posted this earlier but got no response, and feel at my breaking point Welp I guess what happened with the extinguisher in the closet two weeks ago wasn't enough of an example to me cause I did something similiar and even worse and am still doing it as we speak. I was leaving for class this morningand picked up some socks in the closet. And I noticed some garbage bags halfhazardly stacked up in the closet and I placed some cardboard under the doors as doorstops to prevent my cats from opening them and the bags to fall on them, my parents probably put them in there. I left in a hurry cause I was about to miss my bus and a minute or two before getting on the bus I realised I didn't know what was in the bags and it could have been more than just clothes and whatever, so I panicked and thought to myself I should not get on and go back home to remove them from the closet but I still got on and then when I reached university, I thought I would get the first bus home but I called my parents saying that they shouldn't open the closet since there were garbage bags in it that might fall or to at least not let the cats out the kitchen where they sleep and then I still went to class even though it's not an important class, and I'm still in the class right now and debating if I should leave. I know my parents won't care and will still open to my cats and open the closet, it's pretty much the exact same situation as with the extinguisher except now I willingly still went to class and staying in class what the hell I am doing, I am not concernedabout my cats' safety???????

Bryan-

Date posted: 1y

I never want to belittle someone else’s concerns as mine can often be illogical and outrageous. So, I get it. Whatever the concerns they can feel real. But you’re fine and so are your cats. You pushed through which is a nice step towards taking control back. Good luck in your journey

dust

Date posted: 1y

@Bryan- Yeah, cats are quite nimble too. They know how to do those crazy doge maneuvers. Bryan is right

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

This is not the issue as I have gotten home eventually before anyone could and things haven’t moved so I know my cats weren’t hurt (I had even quickly took pictures before leaving to compare when coming home and they matched 100%), also my sister told me it was just clothes in the bags and sure enough when I checked coming home it was clothes. The real issue lies in the fact I was willing to get on the bus even though I didn’t know what was in the bags at first and when I got to university I didn’t take the first bus home and went to class and didn’t even leave class as soon as I could to take the first bus I could, each step I took towards the classroom as I got of the bus I had the thought of me doing it because I wished my cats would be harmed by the falling bags and I felt in me that I enjoyed the thought.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust Yeah but it doesn’t matter, just the fact I went to an unimportant class regardless of me knowing ly cats could’ve been hurt is enough to prove I’m a garbage ”human being”.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Dude, you’re being over the top, which is what OCD makes you do.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@graydust That’s why they say to “learn to be okay with not being okay,” and “be unreasonable.”

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I don’t know, I don’t feel over the top when the whole time where I was in the bus it felt like I was enjoying the posibility of the bags falling on them, and that I had so many occasions to leave and go back home but didn’t, I truly think something’s wrong with me

dust

Date posted: 1y

@graydust OCD gives you a sense of hyper responsibility, and it’s going to try to look for the problems in the way you think and feel. You need to quit allowing yourself to give in to that compulsion to judge yourself and your thoughts and feelings.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@graydust You among other OCD sufferers, and you’re not alone! :>

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I mean, it’s not much of a compulsion when I have reasonable reasons to believe I’m a bad person, since this summer, my body has started acting on its own when seeing/being near my cats and sometimes I hurt them without wanting it, like I would see one of them and push it with my foot or squeeze them a bit too hard when picking it up, it’s not something I can control, but a split second later I stop realising what I have done and feel immense guilt and pet them to compensate for what I did

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend It seems when we have OCD, it’s going to try to keep us in its loop, and it’s hard to accept “being okay when we’re not okay.” Your OCD seems to be making things more intense, urges, feelings, and you analyze those things, and then you feel that to you are getting worse as time goes on. I feel this way with my life too. I know it is difficult. Start showing *yourself* some more compassion than you have been.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I can’t, I just can’t show myself compassion, I’ve done bad things, intentionally or not it doesn’t matter, the only thing I can think of to solve this issue is to punish myself, deleting every save files on games I like, abandon every hobby I have, cut ties with my friends, everything that makes me happy, that will teach my brain a lesson to not harm my cats else there will be consequences.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend This is your negative side talking. Who hasn’t done things that are bad? Why do you expect perfection from yourself?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust Perfection is one thing, not abusing animals is the bare minimum...

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Again, who hasn’t done things that are bad? I’ve done lots of bad things. Felt I was one of the worst when it comes to how my heart is. Like I said, you aren’t alone. Are you seeing anyone for therapy on NOCD?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust Not on NOCD, I’m waiting to see my psychiatrist in a few months, if they stop delaying our appointment that is. I know people do bad things constantly, but this incident that happened this morning had already happened two weeks ago, just replace trashbag with an extinguisher and it’s the same scenario give or take, what makes it unforgivable is how I repeated the same mistake, knowing fully how bad I could have hurt my cats, and how bad it traumatised me.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend If I felt that why, then i would be an absolute mess. Humans are not *perfect* We learn to accept our flaws, and those with OCD, we learn to live life without OCD at our neck like a task master, whipping us for our every flaw. OCD is a hard journey to be on. Not everyone gets tired of their OCD the same way. It sucks you’re in this loop right now. You are suffering and that sucks. There’s probably a lot involved in how you feel about yourself. Don’t give up on yourself. You should be shown *compassion*

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend You should probably try someone more than just a psychiatrist. ERP is the gold standard of OCD treatment right now.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend You are *not* unforgivable.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I don’t know dude, as far as I’m concerned I am unforgivable, because I know how things are gonna play out, I’m gonna try to find some way to justify my horribke behavior, telling myself I will find sole way to better myself only to give up soon after, then in a week or two, I there will be yet another incident in which I will feel like a monster because I will habe hurt my cats.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Learn to be *okay* with not being quote on quote *okay* You won’t do things *perfectly* Stop trying to justify or not justify. That’s why seeing someone who specialized in OCD might be a good option for you. I don’t have money to do it, and I recently got tired of dealing with my OCD and had a catalyst with one of my core fears, if not my core fear, to begin this pattern of response prevention that I’ve been doing. Mental health struggles is a journey for everyone. You are *not* unforgivable.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I mean I would agree with you if we were talking about run of the mill OCD intrusive thoughts, but there it’s real actual actions that may or may not hurt my pets, it’s not a problem of ”what ifs” anymore, especially when I’m still doing those actions even though I know how bad they are

dust

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend I think I understand how u feel.

dust

Date posted: 1y

@graydust I have dealt with similar concerns.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@graydust Such as?

squirrelobse...

Date posted: 25w

I'm kind of panicking about cat feces

So earlier I posted this.. "I had socks on and I stood on something kind of hard, and I looked at what it was and I couldn't tell if it was like a tiny piece of poop (from cat) or chocolate or something. I took my socks off obviously but now I'm worried that 1) I should wash my feet and 2) I should change my trousers because they kind of trail on the floor a bit. I just don't know what to do." And I'm still really panicking. Because I've been in my bed – I napped. My trousers and my feet have been in my bed. And I just don't know what the "right" thing to do is. My brain is telling me I need to accept uncertainty. Fine. But then the logical side of my brain is telling me "YOU COULD HAVE POOP ON YOU. LIKE SERIOUSLY COME ON ANYONE WOULD WASH THEIR FEET". I have no idea what to do. I'm so stressed.

veinsoul

Date posted: 24w

in need of help

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

ivefailed.

Date posted: 11w

fear of harming cats lead to unhealthy compulsions

I've been hyperfixated on worrying about abuse and harm to my cats, and as a result i spiraled into some bad compulsions, and I know I'm a bad person for that. I feel horrible. Some time ago my male cat went to sniff my other female's cat bum and i know it's normal but i instantly reacted and bumped by hand to his face and I believe I accidentally used a bit too force. I got scared that I did it too hard. And I felt the urge to replicate the same move to check that it didnt hurt him and i shouldn't have done it I should have ignored the call of uncertainty, and I bumped my dorsal part of the hand on his face repeatedly to check any sign, i was replicating similar "force" to make sure I didn't hurt him going one slight step above of a gentle tap. It was like a slight stiffer tap, but not hard, but still stiff... Like I would feel the compulsive urge to try to bump my hand slightly harder to his face and that would make me feel horrible and wanting me to check it again... My cat wasn't hurt, but I think he had a confused face, my brain is telling me that he ran away and that he had a hurt face, the first thing i dont think so and the latter I believe it. I felt so guilty I thought I was an abuser. And I checked the same thing on my other female cat but she was just annoyed, she didnt feel hurt. This has been on my mind for a long time and I've been obsessing abt. Just now I compulsively tested "abuse" on my cat. i started tapping on her head lightly with my fingers. it didnt hurt her, she didnt react at all, but the first time she lowered her ears but not in a hurt way more like she was a bit annoyed by my antics, or i think it's just the nervous area because cats generally lower their ears when someone touches their head. I started tapping from her back like people do to their cats because the cats enjoy it and i used the same "energy" and slowly went to her head to see if it hurt her. and a medium tap (not hard) that didnt hurt her triggered me a lot, felt like i had done already something that was too hard. and i spiraled and kept doing the same thing to see if it hurt her. like if i do it to myself it doesnt hurt at all. and my cat didnt react at all she didnt move an inch and didnt even meow. she didnt care. i increased the power a slightly to hear more the sound of the tap and I got increasingly worried. but i kept tapping her too much. i couldn't stop. i had to check continuously that the tap before didnt sound as harsh like it did. like she didnt flinch or hiss or move at all. her ears lowered a bit probably because it was unpleasant. i would try to go above one slight step above gently tapping to see what would happened because i couldn't stand uncertainty and i couldn't believe that it could hurt her. it was never hard, but the medium taps felt abuse. when my cat headbutts she uses more strenght than i used to tap her head... to describe the tap it would be like similar to when your friend taps your shoulder to say "good job" or to encourage you. probably a bit less then that...

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