I don't know how i will live with myself

When i was 10 or 11 years old i saw something horrible, the worst thing is how i reacted to it. I was addicted to pornography, and i didn't have a very extensive sexual education, so i watched pornography without thinking where it was going to lead me. At 7 years old i started seeing relatively normal things, but i ended up seeing fictitious things or even real things, which can be considered extreme pornography, and the real thing is illegal to do it, not seeing it, but doing it in reality is illegal. I never did it, but i saw it, and I got excited, that's what disturbs me the most, what normal girl does that? I'm having a lot of stress right now because i'm looking for reviews of a movie called "No one will save you", it's about a girl who feels a lot of guilt but for killing her friend as a child without really wanting it. I didn't do that, but i see people condemning the character and saying that what you've done has defined you, and that just makes me want to die, i have horrible anxiety right now. I try to know if i deserve forgiveness, but i think most people would think that i am deviant, sexually ill. Why in those moments did i masturbate with something so horrible, strange, deviant? I forgot for years and i didn't repeat it (I also decided to quit porn permanently) but now just want to die once i remembered it, i don't know what i'm going to do, how am i going to live a normal life knowing that from my past? ACTIONS REFLECT THE INSIDE OF A PERSON! THAT WAS A SICK ACTION, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT, i just want to be normal, please, nothing matters to me, it doesn't matter if i fail professionally, at least i don't want to be a sexually ill person or a monster, o prefer to fail than to be a monster, i feel like i can't stand it anymore, if reincarnation were real i would like to change my life instead

"Pure" OCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I'm very sorry that you saw those things at such a young age. That's terrible, and it shouldn't be happening to kids like that. It's not your fault though. You saw those things in those videos because that's how it is when people are viewing things in escalation. The mind of a child that young can never fully understand these kind of things, which is why they shouldn't be shown to them in my opinion. Don't beat yourself up for this. If you ever feel like you can help but think about these thoughts in unhelpful manners, that can be OCD. It's good that you decided to not keep this stuff in your life. You're not alone at all.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 14w

Everything sucks

Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on

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I don't know how i will live with myself

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