my theme is about the loss of my deepest passions and joys. I've had every other theme of OCD and this one? is the absolute worst. I've gone to the hospital multiple times having rolling panic attacks over it. i don't care anymore that it doesn't sound as "bad" as other kinds of themes. I've had them. this is the worst one to me. a life without my passions is barely living
what’s up dude, and also that this is your core fear doesn’t change the fact that it’s your core fear. What you up to today
I don't understand what you mean friend. it's a big deal for me to be able to admit what it is, I've been too scared to say it before. so this is a big step for me. anyway I'm about to go home from a funeral. no college all week, I get time off, no assignments due. pretty okay all things considered (it's not). what about you?
@zombye good for you for taking that step. I was saying that sort of cause you said something like this theme you mentioned “doesn’t sound as bad.” And I was saying like that still doesn’t change the fact that it’s your biggest theme, the one you struggle the most with. I was supposed to have my power shut off today, but I guess that’s not gonna happen. I’ve been doing some work today. Cool that you’ve got some time off
@graydust I understand!! my mistake. thank you!! that means a lot. I was seeing everything through a lens of people putting me down that I didn't even realize. that's on me, sorry I thought that of you. I should know better. good they forgot to, what kind of work? and yeah, the time off is cool, but the deceased died while I was holding them so I'm trying to take the good with the bad. my friends are all gonna get together with me on thursday
@zombye was that a pretty heavy experience with them dying in your arms? real nice of you to be taking care of them like that. I’m an English teacher online
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@FinneganFox90 it is! it is totally disrespectful to us. and can I say it's really... I dunno not exactly a happy thing to see so many other people struggling with the same thing? but I know that I'm not alone and y'all get that this topic can be even more distressing than "serious" topics (it's been said I have the worst OCD my practitioner had ever seen, but still I feel stupid that this gets me so much worse than other topics I've had about death or serious harm to people!!).
anyway I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be asking this, but have you had any success with beating this topic? it's been reoccurring for me over and over and I've maybe gotten one thing free from it and now it's being threatened again. I guess I just want to know if there's an end to this? it's been going on for years. and i don't want to think that this is permanent
@FinneganFox90 o_o sounds like you relate to this theme more than me fr fr
@FinneganFox90 Also, do you draw a lot?
@zombye You know, this “competition of suffering” idea has been very influential in my life. I still haven’t gotten over it totally, but those who do it (which I’m guilty of) are not doing it out of love, but out of selfishness. Suffering should never be belittled, full stop.
@graydust I guess life involves a balance of respect and love. I’m not really good at it, but I can keep trying.
@FinneganFox90 HEY :3 What do you like to draw? I can’t rlly draw people right now, I just draw dogs Im still doing pretty alright right now. How are you doing :>
@FinneganFox90 Yo idk about inktober lol
@FinneganFox90 Maybe you can just finish it without that October pressure lol
@FinneganFox90 Protein shake yoooo. I need to eat something rn lol T^T
@FinneganFox90 Lol inkyear Garlic bread is nice. I ended up spending some crunchy peanut butter on a paper plate, heated it up a lil in the microwave and I’m eating it with a knife cause yeah
@FinneganFox90 Lolol yeah don’t do it now haha, but yes when it’s heated up (don’t do it very long, like just enough to melt it but not fry it), it actually makes it taste better.
@FinneganFox90 Yeah, try that. 10 seconds won’t be enough, it def start with that. Once you see that it’s nice and melted, take it out.
@graydust but*
@FinneganFox90 Yeeeeaaaaahhhh >:p
@FinneganFox90 wow, you've got a Jenga tower of OCD! I'm not really sure if that's how it works for me, I just tend to go from most prominent obsession to obsession (others are in the background) but it might be worth it for me to think about if I need to approach it like this? thanks for the super involved response, I read every bit. I just can't write too much of a response rn (grief is hitting me hard). let's be OCD friends okay. I'm gonna follow you ^_^
@FinneganFox90 ily finny thank you. and God I so agree!! i wish i could just have some downtime without these awful thoughts. but it's this lazy susan of obsessions. i don't mind being obsessive when it's a GOOD thing, but it feels like it never is anymore. I wish i could go inside my head and edit the way my brain works
@FinneganFox90 AI with mental illness is such a crazy thought... I mean, I think of it this way, my dad's a programmer, when programs get bugs it can take a long time to figure out how to fix them. sometimes if it's a hardware issue it can be tricky or impossible to fix. I think AI will be a lot like us, in that way. therapy takes time and work, and sometimes we're just wired differently!
Hi again :c I’ve been having terrible thoughts of hurting my loved ones I’ve stopped watching horror movies which is my favorite genre and can’t even watch or read anything related to violence even if it’s just a video or movie talking about it, I get triggered so fast I really miss feeling that relief with my mom I miss my mom so much and I just don’t know what to do anymore I almost committed last weekend from how scared I was and Ik your thinking will you try again? idk I’m not sure, one day I might say “no” next I’ll plan it out, but truth be told I don’t want to die I want to live a normal life, I want to stay with my mom and my family, I love my family and my grandma and my older brother..I’m so sick of feeling this feeling, I’m tired of arguing with my brain, I want to be with my mom and spend time with her like I used to, but I can’t stand that thought of hurting them it makes me shake and I feel this pain in my chest, my OCD has been trying to convince me all those crime docs and stuff I’m into turned me this way but that’s impossible since I’ve never thought like this before I’m just tired that’s all Idek know what I’m looking for saying this..prolly just to vent or to know if this will ever go away..
"The themes don't matter, it's the OCD that's the real culprit!" I don't buy that. How's that? I didn't have this crap until the real event themes came along. I wasn't born with OCD, I didn't have it from a young age, etc. This was learned, this was real event theme triggered, this was a bad habit that kept on on going and never died, the frequency just picked up and now it's a daily hell. This wasn't happening before the actual themes. Which makes sense. It's a result of being "stuck" in a cycle of guilt, shame, and constant cognitive challenges to "deal" with past deeds. I've very skeptical of any future solution. The fact that there doesn't seem to be any permanent solution for real event OCD is defeating and depressing. I don't know how people "beat OCD" without some level of delusion mindset or baked out of their mind in medication. Doesn't seem to be a holistic or real solution to this. Just more of the same hellish routines. I'm just very pessimistic, it's been years. Where is the hope. Sick of being stuck like this.
Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too
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