Spiteful

Feeling a bit of spite with this disorder right now. I can feel my mind feeling a bit of dopamine looking at anything other than the thing I was obsessed with for a year and a half now because OCD ruined it for me. I want to go back so much to being in love with what I had before and dont want anything else because I'm so spiteful that OCD gets to run by and just destroy shit I love and then gets to go scott free? I can feel my mind trying to calm itself down from my OCD flare up and it feels like it's trying to stop it by finding other ways things to indulge but I don't want it. I want to indulge in what I had before.

"Pure" OCD

Van Goes Vroom

Date posted: 1y

@littleshoes I'm going through something so similar right now with my own character in a game I'm playing. I had to go back to an old save (it was a compulsion) and now my brain is telling me that my character isn't really my character. That he's an imposter. I can't go back to my more recent save because I deleted (also a compulsion). I'm going to keep going because I love this game and have waited for it for years. Just sucks that I can't go a few days without my ocd trying to ruin it for me.

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

It sucks ass. We can't enjoy anything in peace without dread. ( also are you playing Baldur's Gate because my mind keeps wondering out of nosiness 😎 )

sea_sky26

Date posted: 1y

I understand this a bit. Was what you were interested in before something healthy or unhealthy?

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

It was a character from a game I played. I really loved the character because of just everything. Design, story, and personality. ❤️

sea_sky26

Date posted: 1y

@littleshoes Ohh okay. If you don't mind, in what ways did OCD ruin it, you just couldn't stop thinking about it?

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

@sea_sky26 I'll be honest I can't exactly pinpoint what happened but something def got triggered and feels exactly like the aftermath of what happened to me in the past before about pasts interests relating to characters and whatnot because of OCD.

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

@sea_sky26 I definitely got some type of intrusive feeling though I know that for sure.

sea_sky26

Date posted: 1y

@littleshoes I have experienced something similar when I was younger. I used to write fiction stories, created characters, all that. Then one day I thought about well what if these characters were in a sexual situation, and that thought made me feel very uncomfortable and ashamed so I stopped writing stories for a long time. I associate writing stories like the ones I was writing with those feelings and that time in my life and I hate it. I can still write certain stories and poems and all that though. But I wonder if some kind of intrusive thought or feeling brought you feelings of shame? Maybe with time you can come to associate new feelings and thoughts with these characters. If you love this form of self-expression, I hope you can find peace with it again, just remember that your thoughts and feelings don't define you or the game or the characters. Easier said that done, I know lol.

Van Goes Vroom

Date posted: 1y

@sea_sky26 What a lovely read. Made me feel a lot better ❤️

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

@sea_sky26 Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I've been enjoying reading people's experiences so far on here and it feels nice to not feel alone. But in regards to what happened to me I don't think it was shame. Whatever triggered me just doesn't seem to be clear or make sense I suppose? Even I was surprised. My friend brought up a past interest of mine because he just got into it and then that's when everything started falling apart and my OCD flared up. Started feeling fear and indifference to the character I was absolutely obsessed with right after and then I couldn't recover from that. Just ended up shaken to my core and cried afterwards and never usually feel genuine fear when having flare ups. Hate this fucking disorder.😕😕

littleshoes

Date posted: 1y

@littleshoes Oh yeah, and the past interest my friend brought up was not affected by my OCD in the past either.

mental Warrior

Date posted: 23w

Who even is the person I was before OCD?!

The things that used to make me happy? The things that used to make me sad? I don't know how to connect with those anymore. I used to be happy just looking at the sunset and nature, I loved being present in the moment but now being present in the moment is scary because now I'm faced with my thoughts and new potential ones so I'd rather distract myself. I love kballads and I used to listen to them and just cry and be happy because they sound so beautiful but now I can't embrace these things that feel like beauty because I feel like the exact opposite. The only things I can enjoy are K-drama's! But I can't watch things with kids in it. So yah that's tricky! And the things that make me sad?! Well I used to be sad and terrified about loosing my loved ones but now it's a different kind of sad. I used to be sad because of miss them and all that but now I'm scared of facing now messed up my emotions have become. I'm scared of loosing someone I love and then not being able to feel sad because I'm just numb, or even worse...if it becomes something I'm okay with or what if OCD convinces me that I'm happy about it because honestly it would be weird moving around the world with such emotions. So not only has OCD made it hard for me to enjoy the good things but also hard for me to feel sad about the sad things or just to put it short...to experience emotions normally.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 23w

ocd ruined my relationship

i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back

LizM99

Date posted: 14w

Is this something OCD does?

Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insane😢

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