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@C@putdr@conus17 It’s something that happened a few years ago that I didn’t realize was not ok until I remembered it and I feel guilty and wrong and I feel like I don’t know what to do

@bloominglotus - I understand. I have had these things too. I am not an expert in OCD, I am actually on this page trying to seek reassurance about my intrusive thoughts haha, I am failing at dealing with this appropriately. I just want you to know that if you didn't realize it wasn't okay then it's almost like you didn't do it in my opinion. Try to imagine a small child who pulls his siblings hair, yes inherently that causes pain and is not a good thing to do, but because this small child has never done it before and had no context, it's not appropriate for us to be angry with that child because they didn't know. I personally don't judge you for whatever you did, that's not who you are anymore, what you do today matters the most. Are you going to be all right? Remember there is a hotline for you to call if you feel unsafe or like you're going to hurt yourself. Our thoughts do not define us, and even our misguided actions do not define us as long as we choose to change. I do not know if you are religious or not, but I believe Jesus Christ came and took the blame for our bad decisions, if we work to change and ask for his help, everything can be forgiven. However, he does say that those who are without the law are without blame, which sounds like where you were at when you were younger 🙂 You are a good person, and you are going to be okay. It was only a bad decision if you knew it was bad and did it anyways against your conscience. And even if that was the case, we all learn by experience. We all have the right to have space to grow and learn.

@Talichoate Thank you so much for this. I made myself go to bed last night just to at least try to get some sleep, but I read this when I woke up and it made me feel a lot better. I really didn’t know what happened wasn’t ok, then I started getting intrusive thoughts and started thinking about certain things from the past and going back over them and worrying, and what I’m worried about specifically I forgot it had even happened but it made me question why I didn’t see anything wrong with it and started thinking what if I did know it was wrong and I’m just telling myself I didn’t. And I feel guilty because even though I know I’m not ok with it now, I don’t like knowing I can’t do anything to change it. I think I’m going to be ok. I have had thoughts about not wanting to be here, but I don’t think I could actually act on it, I don’t want to hurt my family and also worry I don’t want to be a coward if I am a bad person. But I think that’s also why I feel like I don’t want to be here. I don’t know if I’m bad or good and I’m scared but I know that I want to try to get better if I can. I didn’t grow up religious but I have really been wanting to be. I guess out of desperation for help and someone to understand, I’ve been praying. It makes me feel less alone and like someone understands me when I don’t understand my thoughts. Thank you so much for your kind words and for checking in with me, it was very comforting and I appreciate it so much.