- Date posted
- 1y
Square One
Tw: mentions of eating disorders/ possible abuse/ suicidal thoughts Hello, im non binary and go by they/them. i have never been formally diagnosed with OCD, but ive done my research and i resonate a lot with the symptoms and the stories. if i say anything that is considered ignorant or misinformed please let me know. i only want to understand what im going through better, and don't want to hurt anyone. Thank you i was doing good for a while. i was getting better with my depression, and i had seemed to find a way to help myself when my (possible) OCD got triggered. i would tell my intrusive thoughts "whatever you say" or "thank you so much, but thats not what im talking about" and moved on. it was working, and i was writing down my feelings. i even started to sit with my intrusive feelings and they started to fade away. i was ok til this past weekend when it all got really bad again. i started to question if i was cheating on my boyfriend. i hugged my friends at my towns carnival and thought i was cheating on him bc he was out of town, and started to panic. i got thoughts like "youre cheating on him. you let someone else wrap their arms around you and you liked it. youre cheating on him and will have to tell him when he gets home." i got intrusive thougths while my two guy friends drove me home after i got sick at the carnival. they (my intrusive thoughts) told me i wanted to do intimate things with them and i felt so much shame and disgust bc i knew i didnt want to (and didnt). i laid down and had a nightmare that night of sleeping with someone other than my boyfriend and woke up really upset. i started to try to reassure myself, but made myself stop bc ik it makes it all worse. i felt so bad texting my boyfriend after the nightmare too. i didn't like it. i wanted to confess to him what happened, but didnt. i just wanted some reassurance, but didnt give it to myself. i wanted to repeat my little phrase "i love my boyfriend, and would never cheat on him. im not that kind of person, and never will be. i love him, and am confident in that. he loves me too" to calm myself down, but again i didnt. i just feel so lost. i was doing so good, then all of this happens (and some more, but id rather keep that private for now). i think my (possible) OCD spiked being around around my parent. they arent the best, and i moved out a month ago for my safety. i visit them on weekends because i was told i have to "keep the peace and rebuild my relationship with them". i dont really want to, but im doing what i have to for my family. i dont really know how to start getting better again. my eating disorder has gotten worse, sleep has been harder, and my depressive episode got a lot worse too. i dont know what to so and feel so alone and lost. like ill never actually make it and im doing all of this for nothing. my suicidal thoughts have started again too, but im not gonna do anything bc i know i can and will get through this. im just so very tired. i was so drained today from crying i laid in bed and watch shows on Netflix. i feel so ashamed for being back here again. thank you for reading this far. i wish i could express how truly grateful i am through text, but thats kinda hard. but truly thank you so very much. i know im personally having a hard time, but i know we are all going to get through this together ❤️