Something I worry about a lot is the fact that the SOOCD is my only persistent theme that occurs every single day from morning to night. Sometimes it goes into my gender but that’s not always. When I read other stories, people’s themes seem to change, or they’ve had other themes before SOOCD but I didn’t so I worry that it’s not really OCD and I never really know what to do.

OCD can start whenever and attach to whatever. There might have been things in your past that were actually themes you didn’t realize before, or maybe this is the theme you’ll struggle with. OCD tries to convince us that we don’t have OCD and it’s the hardest part. I’m pretty sure that could be it’s own theme haha.

I know it would be just as scary if it was any other theme but I would love if something just attacked my identity a littleeee bit less.

SOOCD is definitely the largest and hardest theme that I’ve ever had! I know that I’ve always had ocd because it runs in my family, but this has been the most persistent and reoccurring theme. I can’t put it to rest. I’d trade any theme for it!

I thought the exact same thing at 15, I was like ‘isn’t that an age where people would realise’. But my first thought literally filled my body with cold dread and I remember thinking ‘I’ll go to sleep and in the morning this horrible feeling will be gone’. 5 years later and it’s still here.

Yeah it started when I was 15 and I’m 20 now. I try to think if there’s anything in my past but I can never say yes or no because I don’t want to be biased and say OCD about something that might not have been. And yes it 100% could be it’s own theme! Hahaha

I always say to myself I wish I had another theme and I always think ‘this other theme seems like it’d be okay’ but I watched a video where a woman who has SOOCD would say be careful what you wish for!

How long have you had it as recurring, @lauren98 ?

I mean like I understand why it’s attacking this. It’s because I’ve convinced myself that I’m going to ruin my family. I’ve convinced myself I’m living a lie and that I will leave my husband and son when I finally admit to myself that I’m a lesbian and just in denial. I’ve let this fear consume me so completely. I’ve heard about so many women doing this that it seems so possible. I don’t want that to happen to me, and so ocd is very rooted in now.

@mamabird17 I worry about that though because you have a husband and a son whereas I was 15. I mean I’m 20 now and worry about the exact same things but still.

I remember being a teenager though and having intrusive thoughts about this though too. Like I remember reading an article in seventeen magazine about this girl who realized she was gay and started looking at girls butts and stuff in school and I got so freaked out by it. I would go to school terrified that I looked at girls butts and what it meant if I did and if I liked it. I think that might have been where it originally took hold. But I was able to move past it without therapy somehow and then like a year and a half ago, it came back with an unforeseen vengeance.

When I think about how long I’ve been dealing with this, it makes me feel so hopeless. Like I think about the fact that I’ll be arguing with myself about this for the rest of my life and I want to just die on the couch.

Yeah. I think I’ve had breaks. But even when it wasn’t bad, I was still battling it. It was just easier. Like the volume was lower or something. Right now it’s like someone turned the volume all the way up. So I know that even on the best days, I’ll still be suffering to some extent.

The volume analogy is so accurate.