Suicidial OCD and Hopeless

Hello, I am almost 24 years old. My story started about 3 weeks ago, so everything is pretty new for me. 3 weeks ago I was driving to the gym, when suddenly this intrusive thought came up, to drive to the nearest bridge and jump down. I got very anxious but thought this will go away immediatly. Unfortunately it didn't and a few days later i started googling my symptoms and everything got worse. This thought of jumping down popped up over and over again and it ended in a few panic attacks. But I still thought this would go away and I tried to do other things. One evening during football (soccer) practice someone shot the ball right next to my face and my mind out of nowhere immagined jumping down an right before hitting the ground regretting everything. It was a terrible moment because it felt so real and i just wanted to cry. I called a therapist and made an appointment for the next week. The thoughts kept coming and i wanted to fight them which obviously made the whole situation worse. After my first appointment i felt kinda relieved because my therapist explained what ocd really is and that i have to accept that I am in this situation and that it doesn't help to argue with your mind. He also told me that he has experience with ocd and helped many patients that live a normal and happy life today. I tried to accept this thoughts and for a moment it helped. But out of nowhere another thought popped up which told me, that if i accept this thought and don't fear it anymore I would acctualy do it an the whole cycle started again. Fast forward to this current week. On monday I called my therpist and he told me this was a normal reaction and i felt kinda relieved again. On tuesday however the negative thoughts came back and my mind told me that I am depressiv now and this situation will never get better and i felt extremly hopeless. On tuesday night I went home an started crying, it was the lowest point of my life. Yesterday (Wednesday) i had another appointment with my terapist and told him everything. We also discussed the possibilty of medication and I went to the pharmacy and bought some Xanax. (My therpist said he would wait a moment before taking antidepressivs). I felt kinda relieved again. I read the instructions on how to use it and of course I read the cautions. And when i read that taking to much can lead to an overdose and death my mind told me, that when i feel hopeless again I am going to "drink" the whole bootle and die. I felt extremly sick and anxious once again and put the meds away immediatly. Yesterday night i was thinking about this whole situation again and understood that i had this intrusive thouhgts about jumping down from a high place many times before but i just brushed them off and continued with my life. I felt kinda relived again because i told myself, hey you had this thoughts before but didn't act on them nor did they bother you and i felt some kind of hope again, which brings me to the present day. I feel kinda sad, unsure and anxious again. I am on google and try to comfort myself when reading that people with suicidial ocd dont really want to die and want to protect themselves from this harm. I know that that is just a compulsion because i search for reasurance. But I just can't break out of this cycle. I know that ERP is the gold standard. I think I could expose myself to my fears but the next moment i think how can you say you are ready do to ERP, does that mean you are not even afraid of (for example this bridge) and you are really suicidial. And the whole fear comes again. I tell myself i dont't want to die and i want to be alive and happy and for a moment i feel relieved and trust myself. But the very next moment I think that this whole situation will never get better and one day i will just do it. I know that by telling myself i will never do this and searchig for reassurance online I don't really help myself, but the whole situation is just overwhelming. Did someone experience this feeling of uncertainty when thinking, ok i will accept this thought of harming myself, but then thinking if i really accept this thought I am going to do it? And did someone overcome suicidial OCD to the point where it doesn't bother them anymore. Sorry for my English, its not my native language..

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

You sound exactly like me when I was your age. I know how hard this is. I can say that yes, I've overcome it to the point where it does not bother me, at least not nearly in the way that it used to. Every once in a while there's a tiny bit of anxiety but that's it. No countless hours googling, crying, or panicking. I'm sure you already know these, but some key things to keep in mind: The thoughts are NOT the problem. The anxiety is NOT the problem. The compulsions ARE the problem. The compulsions, no matter how relieved they make you feel in the moment, tell the brain that the thoughts are dangerous. Your goal is not to get rid of these thoughts. Your goal is to retrain the brain to not see them as dangerous anymore. There was a psychologist named Daniel Wegner who ran an experiment to test the "Ironic Process Theory." He took two groups of people, and gave them a button to press every time they thought about polar bears. He told one group NOT to think about polar bears. He told the other group that thye could think about polar bears as much as they want. Can you guess what happened? The group that were told not to think about polar bears pressed the button significantly more than the other group. The more we try to suppress our thoughts, the more often they will occur. By ruminating and googling, you are trying to get rid of the thoughts. Again, I know how overwhelming and difficult this all is. This is not a straight road. It has twists and turns and sometimes you go backwards a bit. And that's ok. It's more interesting like that, anyway 🤷

SamToll99

Date posted: 1y

Thank you for your answer. It's just extremly difficult to not do any compulsion when this thoughts come. These thoughts are so vivid. I see myself standing on the edge an jumping down. I have no idea how I am supposed to accept this thought or even expose myself to i, without doing any compulsion..

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@SamToll99 I understand completely. It's not something that can happen overnight. I'm not a neuroscientist or a therapist, but my understanding is that the part of the brain that is causing your distress is a very ancient part of the brain that is entirely subconscious. In other words, it doesn't respond to conscious thought like logic or reasoning. It literally doesn't speak that language. Instead, it responds to actual experience. What I'm trying to say is that it's okay if you can't logically think of any way to even begin to tackle this. You don't have to do that. Trust in your therapist, and trust in the process. Over time those ancient parts of your brain will learn that you're safe.

Mher545

Date posted: 23w

Going through a difficult breakup with OCD

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 16w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

KTomsich

Date posted: 10w

Need advice

I'm new to NOCD and have been dealing with harm/suicidal, and Pure OCD for some time now. It started off being healthy related anxiety that led to compulsion where I would research information on an uncommon illness or something I thought I had. Now it has snowballed into intrusive thoughts and images of me killing myself in various ways or my wife. The former is what has been the most debilitating and hardest to shake. Recently I seem to find triggers almost every where I look. "What if I killed myself this way" if I see a kitchen knife or a bottle of pills. A friend talked about going to a gun range a while back and an image popped up of me being there and turning a gun to myself which is something I dont want to do. I love life and its so painful to go through thoughts that try to tell me otherwise. That particular image/thought has really stuck with me. I know about ERP and my therapist said I could rip the bandaid off and go to a gun range but it terrifies me. I don't own any weapons but I often think, "what if I buy one and im actually suicidal?" Just typing it makes me anxious. I'm wanting to start a low dose of Prozac which opens up another can of worms about worried my "overdose thought" will come true, on top of potential side effects. This is long winded but im looking for any advice to get through this. I know others are worse off than me but considering I've never been like this and it only started 6 months ago, I'm really struggling. Thanks everyone.

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Suicidial OCD and Hopeless

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