Me and my boyfriend just got into a bad argument and I genuinely, OCD aside, think some of the things he said were really messed up and I don’t know how to recover from it. It feels like a massive red flag and I hate admitting that.
I struggle with the same!! thank you guys for sharing i feel less insane now lol!
@MyMelody.-. Haha yay! I mean not yay but glad we are able to help each other out
I hear you. Maybe you're right, maybe they were messed up things. I know how hard it can be to recover from certain things. I don't know how to either, buddy. :( But it's probably good to admit your honest feelings.
@Anonymous Thanks for responding 🙁 also I get so worked up when we have conflicts that I swear at him and call him names and I know it’s not okay but it’s really hard for me to control it. I just get so frustrated and feel helpless. And how do you know that when you forgive them you aren’t just looking past serious problems and blindly accepting what they do?
@spookycupcake And I know it’s by definition verbally abusive for me to do that, it’s horrible and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to control
@Choconana Yes he wants to work through it and he always initiates resolving it before I’m at that point actually. Thank you this was helpful
@spookycupcake That is an important question you brought up, and one that is not easy to answer. You can't know "for sure" the answer to that question, but that is also a genuine question to ask. I get worked up too, and I have anger problems and respond poorly myself. I understand how hard it can be to control, and how hard it can be to seek help in bettering yourself about that. Maybe it would help to consider your boyfriend's perspective? Both of you said things you both probably regret. And this all might take an awful lot of forgiveness, which isn't always easy.
@Anonymous Very true thank you
@Choconana I agree. I believe people should try to love their partner and work together in the relationship, even when it is difficult and you don't feel like trying, or don't feel like you love them. Love isn't always about a feeling, oftentimes it is a choice.
After reading this whole stream of consciousness of mine, wow I’m a hypocrite because I’m exactly what I’m afraid of him being… if anybody else struggles with regulating your emotions when you’re in an argument and you yell and swear and name call or you have any advice on how you control your emotions I’m open to suggestions..
As I said previously, I too have struggles with this. I used to be able to control my anger a little better, but I'm having a hard time again, and as the Bible says, you shouldn't try to fix someone else's problems if you have bigger ones yourself. So take anything I say with a grain of salt. Perhaps just giving yourself some time to yourself and taking a break when you are feeling upset can help? But don't forget, as you have grace with your boyfriend, you should also have grace with yourself. The road to bettering yourself is one of the hardest roads to take. And everyone gets upset sometimes.
@Anonymous I posted that the second before your post popped up oops. Yeah I think de-escalating is important
@spookycupcake No prob, I didn't even think anything of how you worded your post :) I was just re-establishing that I did have some experience with this
i’m anxious because after my boyfriend and i got in a argument i was “daydreaming” or thinking about what it would be like dating someone else who was more “right for me” and what if i was excited about that possibility like i had already moved on from my boyfriend. but when i really think about it i don’t want to be without him and don’t want to picture us breaking up. i know i love him but those other thoughts scared me and im now questioning if they mean im falling out of love with him. and if that’s the case i feel like i need to confess that. but at the same time these thoughts could be ocd because the “daydreaming” started after we had been getting in arguments a lot and then i kept seeing other couples interact online and i compare my relationship to that. but then when i think about my own relationship i have everything i want and am being treated how i want to be treated. i’m just scared that because i have had those thoughts about being with someone else that i need to break up him because our relationship is tainted now and i need to start over and do everything perfectly. i think these thoughts are triggered my us fighting and him not fully understanding my rocd and me looking at relationships where the boyfriend understands the girlfriends ocd and supports her and wanting my relationship to me more like that. which logically i know doesn’t mean we have to break up and i need to start over. i can just bring up this issue and communicate what i want and how i want to be supported. i just feel like i need to confess all these thoughts and that i “daydreamed” about being with someone else (no one in particular) and how im now focused on his flaws in comparison to couples online.
Recently my bf wanted to confess to a comment he made to his friends that always bothered him that he said this and it was literally within the first week we had met. (It’s sweet that he wanted to apologize for it, he even teared up bc he knew it would hurt my feelings) He told his friends that I was “super pretty but that he also thinks these girls on tiktok are hot” (girls with piercings and dark makeup, basically alt/ goth looking). Then he said “I just think that look is attractive.” He said the only reason he brought it up was bc he was on tiktok when he was talking to his friends (on discord) and a girl popped up on his FYP and made him think what he finds more attractive. Then his friends wanted to see pictures of me and everyone agreed I was pretty. Then like 3 days later he was talking to his friends again (they only ever talk through discord bc they don’t live in the same city) and was basically just raving about me and how pretty I am. Then his friends said “what about the tiktok girls and what you said” and then my bf said “I was trippin”. This is making my ocd so bad bc I kept ruminating if I should add it to the list of reasons why we need to break up or if this was my “sign” to end it. But then I also get reminded of the positive, like when he told me the first time he saw me he thought I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, and has even reassured me by showing me messages of him talking to his best friend about me (also the same week of us first talking) and told him that I was “actually perfect” and “INSANELY pretty”. I try not to be upset at him since this was when we barely knew each other and his type back then was more emo/alt girls at the time and I look different. But I have spiraled so much about it bc I don’t want him to settle for me. He’s tried reassuring me so many times that he was always very attracted to me and never thought anyone was prettier than me, he said just in that brief moment that look still caught his eye but that it went away super fast. He also tried explaining to me that “hot” doesn’t mean “better” or even “prettier” just that the look itself is what he used to describe as hot. He said “hot” is also a casual thing to say, especially to guy friends. Whereas to me, hot means the BEST looking. Sometimes I want him to admit that he was just not that attracted to me in the beginning/more attracted to tiktok girls in the beginning bc it makes more sense to me LOL but that’s just me being annoying and I get very bothered when someone tries to sugar coat things rather than telling me the harsh truth. I think this may be another common thing in ocd, like just WANTING him to tell me the worst case scenario bc it’s more logical to me that way. He ends up crying with me bc of how sad he feels that I have such low self esteem from it and also is so frustrated that I won’t believe him, even though he was honest enough to want to share this with me. Sometimes I think he is playing two truths and a lie to make his explanations more believable. Am I making him out to be a villain who always wants to manipulate me or is this just an instinct I have when I feel that someone is not telling me the truth. We’ve had other problems with him not wanting to be brutally honest bc of how I react so it always scares me that he is always telling me a fabricated story. I also am starting to feel embarrassed for myself and for him being with me. I wish someone could just tell me if the things he’s done or said are deal beakers
Lately my ROCD has been flaring up, making it difficult to even be around my partner. I’m having so many troubling thoughts with the one that bugs me most being, “maybe this isn’t my OCD, maybe I’m just in a bad relationship and I’m trying to cover it up and blame it on OCD”. This thought really scares me because there are valid doubts in my relationship but my boyfriend and I have openly talked about them and are trying to work through. My OCD won’t take that as an option tho. It makes me feel like I need to be 100% certain that these things can NEVER happen again or else we need to break up immediately. So anything he says in that moment about trying to do better, my OCD will not trust anything he says and just wait until the next “bad thing” happens. When I continuously bring these things up to my boyfriend even tho nothing has happened between these conversations, it exhausts him making it feel like he can never do enough. I feel so bad because I know it’s just my OCD getting in the way. But then that thought creeps in saying I can’t trust him because I need to protect myself. It’s just an ongoing cycle that is so tiring. I don’t even know what I want anymore. We are very opposite when it comes to emotions. I am very in tune and very emotionally intelligent, and he is not. He is the opposite. I do recognize that my anxious attachment style may be hard for him too but I can’t stop thinking about all of his flaws and all of the things he needs to do to make our relationship better. It makes me feel like I’m the only one putting in effort when in reality that is not true. But my OCD does make me feel like he doesn’t really love me or want to be with me and that he feels forced to be with me or do things for me. It makes me feel like him being with me is like a chore. Can anyone relate? My OCD just makes me feel like I can’t trust anything he says to make our relationship better.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
