I’m going to share my story- it might be a little bit long-winded, very honest but any advise, suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated. Also, this could may be a trigger warning. So about 10 years ago (ish) I remember my first experience of a panic attack. I was watching a documentary about serial killers (as you do…) and suddenly my head was filled with this overwhelming thought of ‘You could do that, you could kill people to and just not care’. I didn’t know where it had come from but for some reason I couldn’t get it. I felt overwhelmed and it was in my head constantly. I thought the only way to get rid of it was to act on it. I couldn’t look at knives. I felt evil. It was horrible and I didn’t know what was going on. In all honestly I can’t remember how long this lasted for. It was a while ago now, a lot has changed. I went to see someone within the mental health services here in the UK and she told me this sounded like text book OCD. The relief was overwhelming. However, I then began questioning it. Is it? OCD doesn’t make you want to kill someone? I didn’t do any further research but the symptoms did seem to ease. Looking back in hindsight now, I think those symptoms eased but I developed new ones. SOOCD was one I can remember, as well as a real fear of contamination. But I didn’t think much of it. I was referred for CBT with a trainee therapist who quickly dismissed OCD and suggested I had a generalised anxiety order. I don’t doubt I’m anxious- I definitely am. But I do feel like there is more to it than that. 2 years later and I am in an AMAZING relationship. He is gorgeous, hard-working, funny and so supportive and understanding. I constantly question why he wants to be with me- but that’s normal right? He is amazing. Until 1 day I get thoughts saying ‘You don’t want this- you don’t love him’…what? My mind is so confused. I’m filled with this desire and love for him but my brain doesn’t seem to want it. I talk to him, I don’t understand why but he’s understanding and patient. It passes. Until about 2 months ago. Oh my god does it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I am at work and have to hide in the toilet to cry and cry. I don’t know what is going on but I cannot think of anything else but this. ‘You don’t love him’, ‘you don’t want to be with him’, ‘This isn’t right for you’, ‘you can’t be in relationships’. I don’t know why this is happening because I am so convinced this is right- I can’t put my finger on anything wrong with the relationship or him. This has happened in previous relationships. Always around the year point. I have a mental hurdle that I can’t get past a year in a relationship because I never have. But in the past relationships, I’ve always found justification for ending the relationships- they haven’t been 100% right or what I needed. So what is going on now with my great relationship? I want this to work so much but my brain is saying no. I stumbled across an article on MSN of all places called ‘What is rOCD and do you have it?’ I was curious- relationship OCD…what is that? I read and almost burst into tears. This sounded just like me. I googled, and googled and found so much information on this thing I’d never heard of- a subtype of OCD- the Pure O type. I instantly felt better- I’m not insane, it’s not the relationship- this is OCD. But is it? I’ve watched videos and read so many articles. I’ve download apps and joined support groups. I’ve reached an odd point now. I’m not anxious anymore. I take medication which has eased the panic and 24/7 thoughts. The thoughts are still there but sometimes I feel as if I’m searching for them to explain why I’m feeling like I am. I’m finding it hard to figure out exactly how I am feeling. There is a mental block in my head. I care about my boyfriend but that feeling of unrequited love isn’t flourishing like it did. I want OCD to be the cause of my worries so much but my head is telling me I’m just trying to convince myself it’s OCD but it’s not- I need to end the relationship. It’s the first thing I think in the morning. I’m scared my medication has kicked in and these thoughts are my rational mind. I don’t know what triggers it, but compulsions aren’t working so well anymore. I can’t see feel normal again, I can’t see the relationship being as good as it was. I’m scared about going to a therapist incase they say it’s not OCD and it is the relationship. I want to love him so much, he is so amazing and truly the best person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I find it hard believing love is a choice. I find it hard to accept feelings are just feelings. I am starting to find it hard to relate to the videos. I’m not sure if I’ve just exhausted the reading- I do feel so tired all the time. I feel the uncertainty hard. I also find it hard to believe this is fear- I don’t feel scared. Have I hidden the fear- is it buried deep down? I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. Distraction helps. Seeing my partner does also usually ease the symptoms. But is that the answer? Is it OCD? Do I need distraction? Or is it the relationship? Is it over? I really don’t know. If you’ve made it this far, amazing and thank you for reading. I hope this might help you in someway. Thank you.