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- 5y
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- 5y
I do this a lot where I think ‘I don’t want to think about this’ but then I think if I don’t think about it I’m repressing the ‘truth’ and then I HAVE to think about it.
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- 5y
I do the same thing. And then if I don’t feel that anxious about the thought I tell myself it is because I’m lying and in denial and then I freak out even more. It feels soooo real sometimes.
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- 5y
I was watching Orange is the New Black last night with my husband, and I was constantly analyzing everything. I would think “yeah maybe that wouldn’t be so bad” and then I would absolutely flip my shit. Why can’t I watch literally anything without having anxiety??
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- 5y
@mamabird17 I’ve been thinking about watching that as exposure but I’m absolutely terrified and I think I’d just do compulsions 24/7
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- 5y
@mamabird17 same!! I‘m even terrified of watching Tv with gay characters because I know it would constantly trigger my HOCD and I would constantly analyze everything... I think the fact that I never had a boyfriend or even dated a boy makes my HOCD worse...
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- 5y
It was sooo hard to watch and just “accept” things because you want to scream at the top of your lungs that they aren’t true. I want them to not be true.
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- 5y
It’s so hard to be constantly battling your own mind. People are like “think about something else” and I’m like yeah I freaking wish I could. Thanks.
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- 5y
Same... it’s just hell
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- 5y
I also don‘t want them to be true. Did you also had HOCD before meeting your husband?
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- 5y
Yes! I had my first experience with HOCD in high school or late middle school after reading a story about someone realizing they were a lesbian and in love with their best friend and another one about the girl who fell in love with this other girl at first glance and then started checking out girls at school. I went through a lot of fear that I was actually a lesbian back then. In college, it somehow managed to go away and then the lid popped off like a year and a half ago when in grad school. Not sure what even triggered it then. I think I was in a sub shop and the girls were complimenting me on being pretty and then I got back into the car and started worrying about being a lesbian and not knowing it or that I found them attractive. Basically haven’t fully recovered since.
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- 5y
@mamabird17 I‘m so sorry for you, but you seem like a strong and genuine person as you also are a mother! HOCD it‘s just like hell, people without OCD really don‘t know how it is to be tortured by their mind and their thoughts. It‘s sometimes living hell. I also had HOCD when I was younger and I also always managed it but since 2 months it is stronger than never before. Sometimes I just think „It‘s an illness and my thoughts are just symptoms“ but at some days HOCD gets so bad that I literally just can‘t do anything against it.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
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- 14w
Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.
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- 12w
Im a straight man and sometimes I make the mistake of compulsively getting on here. It’s gotten better but I slip sometimes. I feel like I’m alone in this and I even read on some OCD page that Women are more likely to suffer from this theme than Men. That just makes me feel like I’m in denial of some sort. I feel alone and feel like my intrusive thoughts are different. I know that’s what everyone who has ocd thinks, but I can’t help shake the feeling like what if I’m lying to myself or what if I have some underlying secret. I don’t want to be gay. I find I argue with myself in my head over and over and sometimes by repeating “I don’t want to be gay, I want to be straight” I’ll end up saying the opposite and that would scare me even though I know that It happened because I’m constantly fighting with OCD. Just feeling a bit down today. I had a sexual dream about an ex girlfriend and it felt great and I’m not scared by it. I find and want to be with Women romantically til forever.
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