- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I do this a lot where I think ‘I don’t want to think about this’ but then I think if I don’t think about it I’m repressing the ‘truth’ and then I HAVE to think about it.
- Date posted
- 6y
I do the same thing. And then if I don’t feel that anxious about the thought I tell myself it is because I’m lying and in denial and then I freak out even more. It feels soooo real sometimes.
- Date posted
- 6y
I was watching Orange is the New Black last night with my husband, and I was constantly analyzing everything. I would think “yeah maybe that wouldn’t be so bad” and then I would absolutely flip my shit. Why can’t I watch literally anything without having anxiety??
- Date posted
- 6y
@mamabird17 I’ve been thinking about watching that as exposure but I’m absolutely terrified and I think I’d just do compulsions 24/7
- Date posted
- 6y
@mamabird17 same!! I‘m even terrified of watching Tv with gay characters because I know it would constantly trigger my HOCD and I would constantly analyze everything... I think the fact that I never had a boyfriend or even dated a boy makes my HOCD worse...
- Date posted
- 6y
It was sooo hard to watch and just “accept” things because you want to scream at the top of your lungs that they aren’t true. I want them to not be true.
- Date posted
- 6y
It’s so hard to be constantly battling your own mind. People are like “think about something else” and I’m like yeah I freaking wish I could. Thanks.
- Date posted
- 6y
Same... it’s just hell
- Date posted
- 6y
I also don‘t want them to be true. Did you also had HOCD before meeting your husband?
- Date posted
- 6y
Yes! I had my first experience with HOCD in high school or late middle school after reading a story about someone realizing they were a lesbian and in love with their best friend and another one about the girl who fell in love with this other girl at first glance and then started checking out girls at school. I went through a lot of fear that I was actually a lesbian back then. In college, it somehow managed to go away and then the lid popped off like a year and a half ago when in grad school. Not sure what even triggered it then. I think I was in a sub shop and the girls were complimenting me on being pretty and then I got back into the car and started worrying about being a lesbian and not knowing it or that I found them attractive. Basically haven’t fully recovered since.
- Date posted
- 6y
@mamabird17 I‘m so sorry for you, but you seem like a strong and genuine person as you also are a mother! HOCD it‘s just like hell, people without OCD really don‘t know how it is to be tortured by their mind and their thoughts. It‘s sometimes living hell. I also had HOCD when I was younger and I also always managed it but since 2 months it is stronger than never before. Sometimes I just think „It‘s an illness and my thoughts are just symptoms“ but at some days HOCD gets so bad that I literally just can‘t do anything against it.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 14w
I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.
- Date posted
- 11w
So I’m afraid that I have HOCD, but at the same time that I might also be homosexual. Is that possible? I have all the typical compulsions… checking for attraction, analyzing thoughts, analyzing the past, analyzing emotions, searching the internet. Is it really HOCD? When I see anything related to LGBT, I get strongly triggered. Sometimes I observe how my body reacts around people, but most often I check with ChatGPT to calm myself down, although it doesn’t last long—it depends. I also compare myself to other straight women who look like lesbians, or to lesbians who look like they’re straight. I had a phase where I was analyzing my body… whether I have too much hair, whether I have an Adam’s apple, whether I act like a lesbian without realizing it. I also have the typical intrusive thoughts like “did something from the past actually mean something, or is it a sign?” “am I just lying to myself?” “what if I’m in denial?” “what if I’ve ignored signs my whole life and lied to myself?” “what if I’ll never be able to fall in love with a guy?” “what if there are too many signs and proofs and it’s true?” “what if it’s not HOCD at all?” And much more. But now I’m scared that it’s both—that I have HOCD and that I’m homosexual. I’ve cried multiple times because of this and it’s been going on for 7 months. Some days are better, some are worse. And there’s so much ‘evidence’ that I won’t even list now—over these seven months I’ve found so many things from my past and dreams that I feel like there has to be something to it. I’ve also had around four panic attacks because of this. And I truly believe I have HOCD and that I’m also homosexual, which is killing me and it feels horrible. I just want to be sure that im straight and be at peace. When im doubting and thinking that im a lesbian i feel like im not at peace and i hate it. But u feel like i just need to accept it but i don’t want to and i just want to have a boyfriend, kids but im scared that it’s not possible for me because im lesbian and i actually just think that i want a boyfriend but in reality i don’t. Ughhhh help me.
- Date posted
- 28d
A while ago, maybe a month and a half, I started getting thoughts that I am gay and in denial. I have no desire to be with a man and NEVER have, but it feels like I am a liar and I am really gay. It is hard to get out of my head, and I just want to say to anyone struggling with this, you are not alone. I have a hard time feeling like my attraction to women is genuine nowadays and I say to myself “What if I end up dating a guy?” And I get non stop thoughts and a groinal response as well. I also have gender dysphoria on top of that so it’s hard to imagine myself with a woman even though in the past I wanted it, but now I feel like I don’t, and eventually I’m gonna just date a guy. I get these compulsions to try things out with a guy and see if I like it but I don’t think I will act on it. I have had no hope and feel like I am genuinely gay now. I hope that I can recover.
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