- Username
- MentalHelp
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I do this a lot where I think ‘I don’t want to think about this’ but then I think if I don’t think about it I’m repressing the ‘truth’ and then I HAVE to think about it.
I do the same thing. And then if I don’t feel that anxious about the thought I tell myself it is because I’m lying and in denial and then I freak out even more. It feels soooo real sometimes.
I was watching Orange is the New Black last night with my husband, and I was constantly analyzing everything. I would think “yeah maybe that wouldn’t be so bad” and then I would absolutely flip my shit. Why can’t I watch literally anything without having anxiety??
@mamabird17 I’ve been thinking about watching that as exposure but I’m absolutely terrified and I think I’d just do compulsions 24/7
@mamabird17 same!! I‘m even terrified of watching Tv with gay characters because I know it would constantly trigger my HOCD and I would constantly analyze everything... I think the fact that I never had a boyfriend or even dated a boy makes my HOCD worse...
It was sooo hard to watch and just “accept” things because you want to scream at the top of your lungs that they aren’t true. I want them to not be true.
It’s so hard to be constantly battling your own mind. People are like “think about something else” and I’m like yeah I freaking wish I could. Thanks.
Same... it’s just hell
I also don‘t want them to be true. Did you also had HOCD before meeting your husband?
Yes! I had my first experience with HOCD in high school or late middle school after reading a story about someone realizing they were a lesbian and in love with their best friend and another one about the girl who fell in love with this other girl at first glance and then started checking out girls at school. I went through a lot of fear that I was actually a lesbian back then. In college, it somehow managed to go away and then the lid popped off like a year and a half ago when in grad school. Not sure what even triggered it then. I think I was in a sub shop and the girls were complimenting me on being pretty and then I got back into the car and started worrying about being a lesbian and not knowing it or that I found them attractive. Basically haven’t fully recovered since.
@mamabird17 I‘m so sorry for you, but you seem like a strong and genuine person as you also are a mother! HOCD it‘s just like hell, people without OCD really don‘t know how it is to be tortured by their mind and their thoughts. It‘s sometimes living hell. I also had HOCD when I was younger and I also always managed it but since 2 months it is stronger than never before. Sometimes I just think „It‘s an illness and my thoughts are just symptoms“ but at some days HOCD gets so bad that I literally just can‘t do anything against it.
Beyond the what ifs - Does anyone else feel like their OCD tells them they have to be gay... I don’t want to be with a woman but it feels like I have to be gay. I’m trying to tell myself it’s OCD and that it’s a lie...but what if it isn’t? What if I’m lying to myself that I don’t want to be with a woman but I actually do?
Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.
I have been having a hard day today. I have lots of thoughts about this one girl i shortly dated because i wznted to figure out stuff ( do to party ocd). I check if i like want to marrry her or kiss her. I am newly in a relationship with a very sweet guy and i really Hate this thoughts, i think i want the relationship with this guy and i think i dont want a relationship wkth this girl but i keep checking. Maybe i am just gay
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