- Username
- MentalHelp
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I do this a lot where I think ‘I don’t want to think about this’ but then I think if I don’t think about it I’m repressing the ‘truth’ and then I HAVE to think about it.
I do the same thing. And then if I don’t feel that anxious about the thought I tell myself it is because I’m lying and in denial and then I freak out even more. It feels soooo real sometimes.
I was watching Orange is the New Black last night with my husband, and I was constantly analyzing everything. I would think “yeah maybe that wouldn’t be so bad” and then I would absolutely flip my shit. Why can’t I watch literally anything without having anxiety??
@mamabird17 I’ve been thinking about watching that as exposure but I’m absolutely terrified and I think I’d just do compulsions 24/7
@mamabird17 same!! I‘m even terrified of watching Tv with gay characters because I know it would constantly trigger my HOCD and I would constantly analyze everything... I think the fact that I never had a boyfriend or even dated a boy makes my HOCD worse...
It was sooo hard to watch and just “accept” things because you want to scream at the top of your lungs that they aren’t true. I want them to not be true.
It’s so hard to be constantly battling your own mind. People are like “think about something else” and I’m like yeah I freaking wish I could. Thanks.
Same... it’s just hell
I also don‘t want them to be true. Did you also had HOCD before meeting your husband?
Yes! I had my first experience with HOCD in high school or late middle school after reading a story about someone realizing they were a lesbian and in love with their best friend and another one about the girl who fell in love with this other girl at first glance and then started checking out girls at school. I went through a lot of fear that I was actually a lesbian back then. In college, it somehow managed to go away and then the lid popped off like a year and a half ago when in grad school. Not sure what even triggered it then. I think I was in a sub shop and the girls were complimenting me on being pretty and then I got back into the car and started worrying about being a lesbian and not knowing it or that I found them attractive. Basically haven’t fully recovered since.
@mamabird17 I‘m so sorry for you, but you seem like a strong and genuine person as you also are a mother! HOCD it‘s just like hell, people without OCD really don‘t know how it is to be tortured by their mind and their thoughts. It‘s sometimes living hell. I also had HOCD when I was younger and I also always managed it but since 2 months it is stronger than never before. Sometimes I just think „It‘s an illness and my thoughts are just symptoms“ but at some days HOCD gets so bad that I literally just can‘t do anything against it.
I’m getting this constant feeling and thought in the back of my mind that’s telling me I’m gay or bisexual when I don’t want to be. It’s so hard to distract myself. I honestly hope that it’s HOCD and not denial.
Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭
I don’t know what’s real anymore, every time i see a women on my screen or on a tv show I “feel” something down there making me think that I wanna do something with a women or that I’m bi or lesbian. I even sometimes look up and down at a women’s body and I get the same responses which adds on more to the uncertainty and makes me feel anxious. I also sometimes feel pressured to come out as bi even though I know that isn’t who I am and my whole life I’ve only loved men and even wanna marry a man and have a kid. I’m also in a relationship with my boyfriend and I’ve been having a hard time enjoying my time with him because of the anxiety and stress I’ve been dealing with as well as the pressure or acting on these thoughts. The thoughts are making me second guess myself every time and idk if it is HOCD or just in denial anymore. Everything feels so real and it’s making me stress. I just wanna go back to how I was, enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend and just looking at women as just women and nothing else. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to calm these thoughts, like what do I say to myself?
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