This sounds very challenge. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and I'm rooting for you.
Of course my first piece of advice is to talk to a professional if you haven't already, even though you're saying that you "don't want to reach out," and that you are overwhelmed by thoughts of being an "attention whore." There are absolutely some OCD-like elements to the pattern of thoughts you're describing here, so treatment like ERP would certainly be worth exploring.
I can give my own two cents, just please keep in mind that I'm not a professional and I only have this one post of yours to go off of.
To me, there is a very obvious theme here of resistance, and being unable to accept the reality that you're experiencing, and yourself. You may benefit from exploring DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) techniques, especially "radical acceptance." I don't know what your relationship with OCD is, and what your compulsions may be, but if you can safely browse through YouTube it may be worth looking up some videos on DBT. There are a lot of great free resources out there that have helped me in the past.
I also notice a sense of ownership you feel over these thoughts that you're having. Phrasing things like, "MY head is convincing me that...," or "I don't know what's wrong with ME." Here is where you may benefit from taking a step back and recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts. They arise due to the conditions that we have experienced and environments/situations we find ourselves in. Thoughts are not something that you purposefully generate based on whether or not you are a "good" or "bad" person. They are generated subconsciously, and their actual contents don't actually matter.
The only reason certain thoughts get so damn repetitive is because we consciously give them a lot of weight. When we do that, the subconscious regions of the brain take that as an indication that those types of thoughts are extremely important, so they will generate them more often. Those regions are not at all aware of what the actual contents of the thoughts are. They could be about how you are an "attention whore," or they can be about dancing pink elephants; it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you're taking those thoughts seriously by desperately resisting them, which sends a signal to the subconscious brain that they are very important.
Even while you read this response, you probably experience hundreds of thoughts that you barely notice. Maybe you think, "this guy doesn't know what he's talking about (š)," or "I'm kind of hungry," or "I wish the text on this site were a little bigger," whatever. Those kinds of thoughts are being generated in the exact same way that all those intrusive thoughts are being generated; they just don't become intrusive because you probably don't find them threatening in any way.
The last piece of advice I'd like to give is to remember that acceptance does not equal approval. The first step to many any sort of change is to accept yourself and the situation you're in. Doing so does not mean you are approving of the situation, or saying that you "give up." It is simply recognizing that it is the way things are. You will find that you will go easier on yourself over time. And it will take time. Have patience.
I hope this was somewhat helpful. Please seek some help through a therapist if you have the means to do so. You have every right to, despite what these intrusive thoughts are saying.
