Real event OCD bullying - please help

So, back when i was 18, i got involved in an online art/rpg community through instagram. We would make characters, draw them, join group chats and talk about our characters interacting with each other- if was chaotic, but fun, and i got hooked. Eventually, as the group kept growing, people started making different discord servers, each surrounding different stories with over-arching plots, and everybody would develop their characters and have them interact. Imagine a mix between DnD and a collaborative novel. I started dealing with severe OCD when i was about that year, in the depths of quarantine, and these servers became an escape for me. There was one in particular that was very involved lore-wise, and i was very deeply invested in because one of my characters had a romantic arc with one of the server hosts characters. It wasn’t until i started dealing with POCD when i began to have issues with the server. The issues begin with the fact that the age range of people on the server was very wide, ranging from high school to college aged. I believe the youngest person in the server was about 13, but i didn’t interact with her much. I was homeschooled and i have younger siblings, so i’ve never had a problem with having younger friends- growing up, i had a best friend who was 2 years older than me, and through high school until just recently, my best friend was 2 years younger. That friend was actually in this art community as well, i got her involved during quarantine. The point being, i never even considered that having younger friends might come off as creepy. There were definitely inappropriate jokes being made in the server, but i tended to roll my eyes and brush them off. As far as i recall, i never made any myself- i didn’t even dare to start swearing until i was 21, i’ve always been a bit of a rule-follower- but my best friend did make suggestive jokes on occasion, and i would laugh, and now i worry that i goaded her on. There was one specific occasion where the two of us, along with a few other people- i don’t remember all of them, but one was my age, 19, and another would have been about 16 at the time- ended up in a separate discord chat, and they were all cracking jokes about creepy discord mods, calling each other “kitten” and being generally icky for the shock factor. I remember being very uncomfortable at the jokes being made, and i believe i even said so, but in a lighthearted “omg stop” way, when i should have just left. There were a few similar instances where people got a little too comfortable, and i just put up with it and laughed along instead of leaving, which i very much regret. The community eventually started to fall apart. Drama between members was the main reason- the server owner called another adult member out, saying some of her characters had ships with characters belonging to minors that were too explicit. This whole thing was shocking to me. i talked to both of them, considered them both my friends, and didn’t know what to believe. Looking back now, i very much think they were both in the wrong- the server had a “NSFW” art channel that you needed a special role to access, but the owner had set the age requirement to 17 instead of 18 because a younger member whom she was close with had asked her to. I believe i was told this secondhand by my best friend, who always knew more drama than me, and i had marked it as strange, but shrugged it off because it wasn’t my friendship, and i wasn’t in charge. I also have a tendency to trust the judgement of literally anyone else over myself, so if i did have any doubts, i would have brushed it off as my overthinking things. The server died eventually- the owner disappeared, so the plot couldn’t progress further, and i’m pretty sure there was a lot more drama going on that i wasn’t privy to, which is fine by me. I was in therapy while a lot of this was going down, so i told my therapist a lot of it- at the time one of my main concern was another adult member about my age who had gotten too comfortable making sexual jokes with one of the high schoolers, and i did eventually message him and ask him to be more mindful- he did agree that he had been out of line and promised to be more careful in the future. It’s been about 3 years now since i left the community- i still keep in contact with a couple people, but i’ve parted ways with the majority. However, i’m still absolutely wracked with guilt over the entire thing- i was friends with some of the minors, too. There was one friend, 3 years younger than me, whose character was going to have a romantic arc with one of mine at one point. I remember warning them that my character was asexual as a way of warding off any weirdness, and i think they might have made some joke back about their character “not having time for that anyway” though i can’t clearly recall. They also really liked one of my other characters at one point, and would make flirty comments about them- i can’t remember what i said in response, probably some form of “they’re flattered”. I worry so much that i might have encouraged it, and that makes me predatory. Most of my guilt comes from the fear that i’m guilty by association, that being there at all makes me a creep, that i should have said something sooner or just left. Another part of me doesn’t even fully believe that the server owner or the other girl she was fighting with were bad people- i was friends with them, we were in the same online spaces for years! It’s so stupid, but i genuinely compared my own behavior to theirs, used them as a measuring stick to make sure i wasn’t doing anything wrong when my OCD started raising alarm bells. To this day, i still can’t tell if i’m blowing things out of proportion. I know i need to be in therapy again- this has been weighing on me so heavily recently, making me feel nauseous and doomed for literal days at a time- but i could really use some outside perspective. That RPG used to be such a comforting form of escapism to me, but now just remembering it makes me feel vile. i feel like i need to go back through all of my old chats and make sure i didn’t say anything gross to anyone, but i’m so afraid of what i might find, the thought makes me ill.

What should I do? I already talked to my mom and we worked it out, but OCD won't leave it alone. Here is the situation: OCD is ruining my relationship with my family. Along with my porn addiction, I can't see innocent interactions without malice or wondering if it's appropriate. My mom and sister always had this game of slapping each other's butts, and I always found it funny, but these days I have been feeling uncomfortable about it and asked them to stop. My OCD is trying to convince me that my mom has said me, because one time she said that if she were a boy, she would date me and one time she just blurted out "marry me" I told her I hated that, she apologized and said she didn't mean it and never did it again. A lot of the things she said these days I wonder if they're appropriate, like commenting on my body, it was things like "Your butt is smaller", because I lost a lot of weight. And these days she was talking to my sister and she said that her breasts are growing and my sister was like "I know😝😝" and she poked the side of her breasts and they just laughed. I asked them about it and my sister says that she sees no problem at all. I remember that when I started puberty, my mom would ask to touch my breasts, she never actually touched, but she was afraid cuz when she was in puberty she said her breasts hurt a lot, and she was always like "You are growing so much, they are cute." And I would get sad cuz mine's weren't big as hers. I am spiraling and my mom is the most sweet person in the world, she supports me in EVERYTHING and has always taught me to set boundaries and stand up for myself, she always respected my boundaries and talked to me about delicate things and I always felt comfortable to walk around naked or ask her ANYTHING. But remembering these things are making me question her behavior, when I know she did not mean harm and I notice that 89% of every mom I met, are like her, she is probably like that because that's how she was created, and Honestly, if she did not mean any harm then everything is fine. As I said I didn't felt uncomfortable, but OCD is like "You should feel uncomfortable because that is inappropriate behavior." It's just that I didn't care for those things I even once asked to touch my mother's breasts when I was younger cuz hers were so different and I was like "What?!?!? why are we different?" and she was like "ok" and I stopped to think that I literally used to breastfeed on them and I was " 😮😮" like, I feel bad nowdays but I was curious, and my mom just said "It's okay, but If you did it out of malice then it would be wrong and I would be uncomfy." Now OCD is making me not want to be near my mom when she literally respects my boundaries, I said I didn't want her to do these things again and she agreed without even a second thought.

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.