ROCD/meta making me feel weak.

I need support, or some kind of encouragement. I’m trying not to seek reassurance but I feel like I’m holding myself back from a panic attack, idky my ROCD is spiking so bad right now. One little tiny trigger and suddenly I just wanna cry. I love my boyfriend so much, my biggest fear is losing him and my dog. My stupid ex watching my story last night had me spiraling. I don’t wanna spiral back into a depression and get stuck in the ocd loop. Im so scared of getting super bad again. It takes one bad panic attack and any kind of trigger to throw me. I need to keep doing ERP, I just haven’t in awhile because I’ve been great.. Ugh. I hate this. Idk what to do. Im trying to do erp but I am so scared of letting myself spike. I don’t wanna get depressed again. Im afraid of these obsessive thoughts. I hate my stupid high school ex for messing with my head by watching my Instagram story. I wanna make my Instagram private now but I don’t want that to be an avoidance. I just wanna go back to how I’ve felt for months. I love my boyfriend so much. So so so much. Lately I’ve been obsessing over losing him. He is the purest most gentle soul in my life. He’s my best friend. I can’t see my life without him. In so afraid my ocd will get so bad that he’ll leave me or something. I know he wont cause he stood by my side through my months long ocd episode last summer, but then I get afraid that I’ll leave him for whatever reason. Our six year anniversary is November 20th. We’re talking about marriage and children. We love each other so much and do life together, live together and cherish each other. He’s my baby 😩I’ve been doing so great for soooooooo long, and one trigger happened. Now im obsessing and I wanna cry and im scared of my head and I don’t ever wanna get so trapped in the ocd loop that the depression has me in a chokehold. Ugh. I just want my boyfriend home. I don’t wanna he alone with my thoughts and I want him to hold me. But then when he comes home I have this compulsion of confessing to him that my ex watched my story and that it’s bothering me. I don’t want him to get upset or think I want that. My brain is so sensitive.

Relationship OCD

Lesako

Date posted: 1y

I can't really tell you anything other than I get it. I've had those spirals before and they can absolutely happen seemingly out of nowhere. It probably is a bad idea to confess your intrusive thoughts to your boyfriend like you said, but I don't see why you can't still tell him that you are generally feeling distressed and for him to hold you. You've got this and you do not have to be alone in this ❤️ stay strong

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Lesako It’s the first time in a long time I’ve fell into a rumination cycle and I’m struggling so bad. I hate it, I’m so scared it won’t end.

Lesako

Date posted: 1y

@Dj-is-living Same actually. Sucks doesn't it?🙄 I have this petty voice inside my head everytime that wants to throw a tantrum and do everything BUT what I've been taught to do in these situations 😂 Welp if it really won't end then at least we're already two stuck in rumination-city 😋

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Lesako This sucks. I hate how much of a grip that ROCD grabs on me right now. I cannot tolerate any uncertainty when it comes to my boyfriend, he is my world and bestfriend. It hadn’t happened in forever, I’ve been so chill and happy. But the minute a spiral starts I freak tf out 😂😅🥲

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

Very sorry to hear of your struggle right now. OCD really just comes crashing down on us and it’s pretty fucking terrible. I also want to say way to go for doing great for so long and that you have a wonderful relationship! So take a beat, catch your breath, focusing on your breathing and mellow it out. As you know these are the tips things going through your mind right now: losing your boyfriend and dog, you leaving him, ex boyfriend thoughts, slipping into depression, going back to OCD, worrying about compulsions. That’s a lot and there’s no shame what so ever in feeling all this at once. Let’s take it step by step though. You amazingly are aware of all these things which is great! So let’s focus on what we know: you know you have a great boyfriend, you know you were triggered which means all thoughts of doubts and distortion are just thoughts and not how you actually feel, you know that doing compulsions aren’t the best BUT you do know focusing on whether you’ll do them again IS a compulsion which btw is ok that you did. Just because we have a setback or make a mistake or are not perfect in our lives in terms of any progress doesn’t mean we are going back to square one. Actually if this is a big episode right now for you this is actually a great learning experience and opportunity to recover quicker and handle it better than your past big episode. This is just more practice of being greater than you already are. So as much as you can ground yourself and focus on something good around you or be aware of your surroundings. You can always come back to these thoughts later if you really want to deal with them but remember as you have done MANY times before you don’t have to. And no matter what progress is progress. I know it seems terrible that you are worried about slipping back but that’s just doubt in itself. You actually don’t know that but what you do know is that you’ll come out of it like you did before becaus you felt the same way back then and then just was being so at peace for so long! You got this 💪🏻

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Thank you so much for everything you just said, this is exactly the kind of encouragement I needed, I’m just so trapped in my head at the moment. When ocd gets in the driver seat it’s so hard to take the wheel back, I’m taking a deep breath and letting the tears come out as they come. I’m trying to allow myself to feel the fear and get through the day anyway. I appreciate everything you said. OCD just makes me feel so far from myself. Like it’s not me and it just takes over.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Dj-is-living My pleasure and I completely understand (thanks for your patience on my response). It’s like it’s a ride you just can’t get off from (that’s what she said 🤣😂). I hope you’re feeling a bit better today. If not no worries. I only caution that next time you feel like this and it feels like you want to vent for reassurance, wait a little bit longer than you did this time to help space out the compulsion. Now I do believe we all need some good ole human reassurance that doesn’t just mean we are giving into OCD compulsions but just wanted you to be aware because I wouldn’t be helpful if I support reassurance all the time because trust me I get how CERTAIN reassurance can absolutely help and put a dagger in OCD.

Dj-is-living

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord No worries, and LOL “that’s what she said”. I’m doing much better today. I still feel “fragile” but I’m okay. Just starting to do actual erp exercises again since I stopped for so long. I got triggered again today but it’s no where near as bad as I was yesterday. Thank you again! ☺️

ROCD/meta making me feel weak.

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