Utterly convinced that no matter what, I will forever feel this way and what is the point of living if that’s the case? I can never forgive myself and I’m pretty sure anyone who understood what went on in my head wouldn’t either. I can’t recall ever feeling this horrible in my life
I understand what your feeling I do. EVERYBODY more and likely said the exact same thing. “How can I get over this?, this thought must mean something!?, this thought was so detailed and disturbing”, etc. I’m in the process of healing but I have started to learn that forgiving yourself for having that thought is a big part. I’m still learning as well but be kind to yourself. The thought that nothing get better is anxiety/OCD biggest lie.
Yes especially when not all the thoughts are intrusive… and then there are past actions that I keep remembering I’m literally so distressed by this and I find it very hard to forgive myself or act like everything is fine. I hope it’s just anxiety and ocd making me feel this way but I even doubt my diagnosis as I definitely forgot to mention some information
@ck99 You’re not alone.
Yes - I can relate. When you are "in the hole" and are haunted by intrusive thoughts/feeling/urges day and night with no end in sight, it is overwhelming. But take it from somebody that's been there more than once: it always will get better. If you educate yourself on OCD and/or seek help, you're well on your way. And the fact that you are here is already a big step in the right direction! Hang in there and never hesitate to reach out...
I feel extremely alone but thank you for saying that
It is so overwhelming.. the chronic guilt is so strong I honest to God wish I can just erase my memory completely or be anyone else. I was only able to afford one session and get a diagnosis so I may have to look to free resources, but am hesitant because I still feel like my situation is very different. Thanks so much tho!
@ck99 Guilt is very common in OCD - I‘ve had it myself, towards my wife and kids. It was very hard to endure, but try to not give in and accept it. It‘s all just OCD‘s make believe…
@TomFromHome I’ve had nonstop guilt for months now over past mistakes I’ve actually made as well which makes it so hard to believe it’s all OCD
@ck99 I don‘t know what you think a „mistake“ is, but at some point you have to forgive yourself, distegard, and move on. I know it‘s hard but the suffering you are going through is in no way justified by what happened…
@TomFromHome There are some childhood mistakes I can’t get over because I feel like it shows as proof for what I’m scared of, and the most recent stuff is the thoughts and feelings that are really bugging me. What’s worse is I don’t even know if it was really me mentally checking or just thinking something through curiosity if that makes sense
@ck99 It makes perfect sense! When I was struggeling with HOCD I remembered some situations when we „experimented“ as boys, which is normal. But for OCD it‘s a perfect aspect to have you worried, guilty, and ashamed about. As I said: disregard and move on. OCD is taking things out of proportion.
@TomFromHome Thank you so much for saying this. I really hope it’s just all OCD
@ck99 That‘s the most OCD statement you can make ;)
@TomFromHome LOL so is feeling like the exception right?
@ck99 Exactly!!
@TomFromHome Good to know, although some stuff felt more ego syntonic in the past which is the opposite of ocd and I can’t stand that
@ck99 If I had a dollar for everytime OCD made me believe that whatever it threw my way was what I wanted all along…
@TomFromHome Honestly it sucks so bad, what’s worse is I’ve intentionally thought stuff in the past and I think that’s enough proof that it was what I wanted. What’s so weird is I know I do not want that now and it’s just the worst thing ever. I’d really love to just start my life over and forget everything
How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a teenager (maybe 15 through 18 or 19 I don’t remember exactly) when at the time I had no bad intentions I just didn’t understand what I was getting into? How can I forgive myself for being so dumb? I should of known. But unfortunately now dealing with real event and other themes trying to find “proof” it’s so exhausting and unsettling especially when the worst case scenario about my self and my past comes up literally every day and I have to fight it with “maybe, maybe not”…when will it ever go away. Do I even deserve for it to go away? No matter who I’ve told whether it was a parent or a therapist they all say the same thing…….let it go……..how am I supposed to do that. I want to do great things in life. I want to make up for all I have done wrong. I want to help people but I can’t even help myself. I hate myself. I don’t even like myself at all. I would go back in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this mental hell. Will I ever be ok again…….
I don’t really know what to do anymore I feel bad all the time and when I take my medicine I feel bad for not feeling bad all these memories are on repeat in my head and it doesn’t stop. I’m convinced i’m the worst person ever and I deserve everything bad that happens to me and I think I do. I did things that are actually bad and I don’t know how to fix them and the guilt eats away at me i feel like i’m living a lie and hiding my dirty secrets from everyone. It’s like how could I have not realized these things were wrong. I feel disgusted with myself and I don’t know what to do
I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head
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