- Date posted
- 1y
I need to know what I have
I’ve been suffering from OCD for the past decade or so and it has gradually gotten worse with time. But this summer, something happened thatblay or may not be OCD and I can’t get a clear diagnosis on what it is. Basically I’ve been developping intrusive thoughts about what if my cats hurt themselves, on silverware, on chemicals like bleach etc, as well as their well being in general, which led me to do a lot of compulsions including being careful about were my clening products were stored, cleaning relentlessly areas on which chemicals might still be, not being able to close door in fear I might close them on their paws... But as time went on my body started acting out some of these fears, without me wanting it obviously, for instance, I would turn around, see my cat and push her a bit harshly automatically with my foot, this happening in the span of less than a second, or squeezing my cat a bit too hard when picking them up. I would feel super guilty afterwards and petted them or played with them to pake up for it but this also has turned into a compulsion with me spending sleepless nights taking care of my cats to make up for stupid stuff. Recently I had to go to class and was about to miss my bus and I had earlier spotted an extinguisher my parents keep in the closet in the hallway where my cats hang out and was afraid it might fall on them if someone were to open the closet too hard, but I went to class anyways and when I left the bus I called my parents to tell thzm not to open the closet and went in class, during it I excused myself to go to the bathroom but tried to call my parents because I knew they would still do it so that they at least notnlet the cats hang in the hallway, but I couldn’t reach them, I told myself I should leave mid class tp catch the earliest bus home to fix this issue but didn’t, even though it wasn’t an important class and the teacher knew I was doing good and could have let me go, and I don’t know why I did that. A similar thing happened two weeks after where I told myself to go back home to fix some bags my sister had halfhazardly stacked in the closet and I didn’t knownwhat was in there, but instead, I got on the bus and went to class. This doesn’t really seem involuntary in those cases so I don’t know what’s happening to me, I don’t want harm to my cats so why am I doing that. It’s not OCD, although OCD is having a feild day with this one preventing me from partaking in things I love because they are the root of the problem according to me. This is because during summer if I didn’t do the compulsions I talked about I would have to delete my savefile on games I play with friends and I came to the conclusion that if my body was doing stuff on its own it wasn’t my problem but now that it doesn’t seem voluntary anymore I don’t know. Playing games feels like I’m allowing myself to bypass the punishement system I put in place to stop me from hurting my cats and I can’t justify it because it doesn’t seem to be unintentional anymore. So I need help, what do I have? How do I solve it? What should I do?