- Date posted
- 1y
Fear to have touched a child inappropriately
A few days ago I remembered that when I had to hold my little sister because my mother was doing sth and I already didn’t want to touch her so I decided to grab her around her arms and like the shoulders but as I was holding her my brain started telling me I was touching her chest and from what I remember I then changed the way I held my arms in order to hold her better and not touch her but like a lot was going through my mind bc I think it also started telling me to touch her chest and everything got so much I don’t even know what thought belonged to which. One of those thoughts is because she was pretty heavy and while all these gruesome thoughts I also thought of holding her differently so my arms wouldn’t collapse at some point but since I didn’t want to touch her anywhere I hesitated and like a lot was going through my mind and suddenly I also had the „should I do it“ thought. And like the second that happened I started panicking because I was scared my brain might have meant touching her and not switching the holding position. I remember instantly feeling sick and like crying and since we were at an airport and had abt 2,5 hrs until we were home, I was silently suffering into myself trying not to cry and constantly feeling like an absolute monster. The next day I did some research on this and luckily managed to calm down but now I have another problem I’m scared I might have let into those thoughts of touching her and might not have realised it or even not seen it as a bad act. Like I know what’s wrong, disgusting and absolutely bad but I’m scared I might have thought to myself that it’s not that bad and might just simply have forgotten about it until now. And now I keep on trying to remember if I had touched her. Like all I can remember is that when I was holding her my brain started telling me I was holding her inappropriately and that’s when (from what I remember, idk if that had actually happened anymore) I put my hands to the point of only touching her arms. But now I’m really scared if I might have like touched her while holding her and that I’m some disgusting monster who touches children and should go to prison. And whenever I remember this and that I still don’t know if that had happened I start to get a stomachache, start feeling bad and really tired and dead, feel like I’m gonna have to throw up soon and like crying. Rn as I’m typing this I’m crying bc of it and I just feel so bad. I feel like I might be a threat to people and that I’m an absolute monster in case it had happened and that I’m just walking around and having friends while being somebody who has hurt another person. I don’t know what to do.