Need Support

I had a session with my therapist today and I’m feeling triggered. We used a good part of the session making a pros and cons list about my relationship. My pros were about double the cons, and my therapist pointed out that a lot of my cons related to the fact that my partner has an anxious attachment style. She suggested we go to couple’s therapy. In my relationship I feel like I have a lot more going on as far as hobbies and friendships. I called my mom today and told her about the session and I realized that I feel too much of the center of my partners world. I feel so terrified and sad. I don’t want to let go of my partner. But what if this is just the way they are? What if we go to couples therapy and they are still dependent on me? My mind is a mess. I feel like I should be more grateful that my partner is prioritizing me so much but I wish they had more in their schedule. I feel suffocated. Please help.

Relationship OCD

nonagon

Date posted: 1y

It can be extremely difficult to be the center of someone's world. I have anxious attachment style and my partner has been struggling with me somrtimes, so I am speaking from the other side of this issue... Here is my take: if your partner cares about you and your mental health, they will try to understand what you need and help you too. Ultimately, I do not *want* to be overly dependent on my partner. It's anxiety-inducing on my end too, and I would prefer if I could actually be more self-confident and independent. I love to be around my partner, but whenever I am around them to patch my own anxieties and insecurities, it can be felt and it is difficult to work through (though me figuring out I have OCD has definitely helped us.) Your worries about couple's therapy not working sounds like OCD doubt to me. You won't know what it is like until you are in couple's therapy, so don't let the doubt psych you out. Be confident that you know what it is you feel hurts you and what you want. Just as we all are trying to best our OCD, your partner is capable of growing into someone who can connect more securely, even if it is difficult.

Formerlyanon...

Date posted: 1y

@nonagon Thank you so much this is very helpful to get the perspective from the other side and you make good points. Honestly the thought that couples therapy might not work comes mostly from my mom. I feel she is skeptical of relationships and that transfers to me.

nonagon

Date posted: 1y

@Formerlyanonymous Hey, no problem at all. Regarding your mom being skeptical, I can see that being pretty tough. Since OCD thrives on doubt, skeptical scrutiny can be really hard to work with. Does your mom care about how you feel with your partner? Here is something that helped me: someone can hold doubt that is "valid" (for example, I have been in an abusive relationship before and people around me doubted it was healthy for me), but the way they express it is extremely important. You're in this relationship because you hold care for yourself and your partner. If your mom acts skeptically about your relationships without caring or showing interest towards why you care about this person, what you feel, so on, then... Her doubt is not considering your feelings or comfort. I don't mean to make a judgment call on your mom, but rather I mean to express that it is important to see where people are introducing doubt that isn't grounded in caring about your own perspective. This sort of doubt really helps OCD feed.

Formerlyanon...

Date posted: 1y

@nonagon I really appreciate this man :) I will ponder these questions

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

I feel like I don’t love him sometimes 💔

I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔

shopgirl

Date posted: 18w

New relationship and OCD spike

I’ve been really struggling the last week and I need some help. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 2 months who checks a lot of my relationship boxes. He’s so kind and we have a lot of fun together. The first few weeks I was totally smitten but had moments of fear about being committed. We talked about it and decided to take things slowly, and then I would have days of feeling like every thing was perfect with some fearful feelings in between. Two weeks ago now my SO-OCD and ROCD started to come back a little as well as my more anxious-avoidant behaviors. I started to get more scared of the future and it was more intense. At the end of last week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He is exactly the type of person I see myself marrying and has great values and is so secure about me. Until last week, he generally made me feel so safe and secure. Ever since saying yes, I feel so scared and anxious and my SO-OCD and ROCD is on max. I also find myself getting more annoyed and irritated about things that were minor annoyances or non-issues before. I’m having intense physical responses to both OCD themes, and the nagging thought and feeling that I need to end things with him because we aren’t right for each other. It makes me feel so sad and guilty. Sex is becoming harder because of the thoughts too, whereas at first it was perfect. I don’t know who I can talk to about this without them telling me to just break up with him. Everything is so new so I think they’d chalk it up to my intuition. But I do want to be in love and have less fear around relationships, so I don’t want to give into the fear. I think it could help me to set boundaries and have space for myself more often. I think I need some advice or insight. I know I shouldn’t ask for reassurance, but having some around how other people have felt at the beginning of a relationship would help. Why is it that the label is freaking me out so much? How do you guys set boundaries to prioritize yourself when you feel this way?

flyana

Date posted: 18w

My mom thinks my bf is making my OCD worse

I don't know if this is ROCD, pure OCD, or what, but it feels like he's reeeally critical of me, and I'm already terribly critical of myself, so it makes it so hard to push through my negative internal voice. But I tried telling her my OCD obsessions exist outside of him. I would hate to break up with him just to find myself just as depressed. We also just moved in together, and it feels impossible to leave without repercussions. I feel like it helps to make pros and cons: Pros: - Cooks for us all the time - Takes the reins on house/rent/utility setup (despite me asking to help) - Takes us on fun surprise/spontanous adventures, never a dull moment - Likes the same shows/movies/activities - We dress up and go to events together - Strong sexual chemistry Cons: - Feels he's taking care of everything despite *insisting* on it - Very much a know-it-all, which leads to a lot of criticism of me (constant sighs, intense reactions to small mistakes, no room for me to be human) - Expresses that I'm not his type physically, but I should be glad he still wants to be with me, and if I just go to the gym, he'll want to have sex with me more - Has misophonia, which makes him averse to any mouth sounds, so he gets mad at me when I'm eating and wants me to leave the room, and can be a jerk about it - Tends to think the worst of my actions, and will chalk things up to the "type of person" I am, which often takes me by surprise and makes me feel misunderstood - My mom/friends don't like him at all, but our mutual friends obviously love him, yet they see his flaws, too Anyway, it's eating at me, and I'm afraid of what the future might bring, and I just wish I could feel confident again so that I stand up for myself more. If those bad things were gone, he'd be amazing and perfect, but they weigh on me soooo much

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