Mistakes/ stupid decisions

Hi everyone, I’m new here, and I wanted to share my experience. I’ve been struggling for over a year now on obsessing over a mistake. And the rumination of the mistake I made has been overwhelming and exhausting in those two years. I feel like such a horrible person. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing would affect me so much. When I realized it was wrong, I just said I’ll never do it again, and I moved on. But then months later, I was reminded of what I did, and I felt like I did the worst thing in the world, and that my life will never be normal again. And ever since then, it’s been a constant thought. And it’s exhausting. I have been able to open up to my family and a close friend about it and their reactions were so nonchalant compared to what my brain has been telling me. They say it wasn’t even that bad, and that I shouldn’t be beating myself up. I tell them how badly I feel and they just act like it was nothing. I thought that would help, but my brain continues to tell me how horrible of a person I am and I obsess over this one mistake I made two years ago. I’ve learned from it, I’ve moved on, I’ve opened up about it, I’ve gotten reassurance, but yet it still eats at me. It’s constant some days. Where all I wanna do is lay down in a corner and never leave. I feel like my life will never be normal again and I’ll never experience happiness again. Whenever I smile or feel any type of joy my brain tells me to stop and reminds me that I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve to be happy. Even though everyone tells me what I did wasn’t even that bad. And that it doesn’t make me who I am. But guess it’s not enough and I’m really running out of options.

I think all of us have made mistakes, wether in childhood or teenage years and adulthood. I’ve made terrible mistakes when I was younger ( childhood ) and I’ve been regretting my actions and dealing with severe shame and guilt, I came out okay in the end and been the ideal kid I should’ve been when I was younger. I changed but hearing people like close family saying they would judge past mistakes and you’re allowed to judge, makes me feel horrible. because only if they knew…

I’ve posted something vulnerable here before and I’m trying to ride out the wave of reassurance where it’s getting at me and I’m scared of sitting still with nobody to talk to about this at the moment I genuinely think it would be easier if I wasn’t around. I view my friends as pure compared to me and I’m the most impurest. I feel like this would do a favour to stop being here I don’t know what to do, I really don’t know. I’m literally alone in this and I’m getting tired. How do you deal with stupid choices that you made as a child? I’m trying to be understanding of past mistakes but it’s gut wrenching to try and accept to say and admit you did it knowing you’ll spend the rest of your life with that guilt..is there another perspective to this..???