I finally found concrete proof for one of my biggest fears being true. So why am I not panicking? I found out that my worst case scenario can be true, but I’m only a little anxious. It’s almost like my brain is rejecting that it could be me, which feels like denial. I’ve been on this app for four years, compulsively posting every time a relapse happens every 3-4 months. It doesn’t feel like OCD. It feels like denial.
take a deep breath! what's up?
@Anonymousesti I feel like I don’t even deserve your kindness because I probably don’t have OCD 😭
Not sure exactly what you’re going through but this is my favorite article on “denial” and ocd: https://ocdla.com/doubt-denial-ocd-5342
@pureolife Thank you, pureolife. I just feel like a fraud.
@missbluesky Yup. Ocd does that!
@pureolife I have a question, though…I have flare ups every 3 to 4 months. In between those flare ups I still think about being a lesbian/bisexual but I’m not bedbound or doing active compulsions like I do during a flare up. Isn’t that denial?
@pureolife It’s very obviously not OCD😭
@missbluesky This is what keeps me in the cycle of continuing to have “flare ups”, because even when I feel better the thoughts of what if I’m gay/bisexual never fully go away. I don’t think it means it’s not OCD and I completely relate it makes it feel like denial.
@missbluesky Even when you don’t do compulsions you will still get intrusive thoughts. Everyone, even people without ocd, get intrusive thoughts. It’s the compulsions that that put you into the ocd cycle and cause the “flare ups.”
@pureolife Also you’re likely doing “sneaky” compulsions without knowing it.
@n1315 Do you have long periods of time in between flare ups?
@pureolife True. It always gets worse when I decide to come on here or go on Reddit.
@n1315 Are you there?
@missbluesky I wouldn’t say super long periods, weeks maybe? Or a month? It all started within the last 2 years for me, and for the past 3 months has been way worse than any other times.
@n1315 That sounds normal 😞 I’ll be okay for 2-4 months and then relapse again. Like I had a relapse in early February that lasted until mid March and then another in July that lasted until September and then now one in November. It’s been like this for the last five years.
@missbluesky There is no direct definition of “normal” when it comes to ocd, everyone’s experience of frequency/“flare ups” is going to be different. Feeling like you’re just in denial is something that I’ve seen a lot people, especially on here, struggling with and is a mean trick ocd plays.
@n1315 Do you mind me asking how old you are?
@n1315 Not at all. I’m 22, but I’ve been struggling with this on and off since I was 12. What about you?
@missbluesky I’m also 22!
@n1315 How long have you been suffering?
@missbluesky Almost 2 yrs, although I can remember a few times from earlier in my life of being I was going to “turn gay” one day but never as frequent as it started happening more recently
Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️
So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)
Hey guys, for the past three months I’ve been obsessing over a mistake I made about 6 months ago, I constantly have panic attacks and wake up in fight or flight mode I have convinced myself that someone is gonna find me somehow and punish me. I have endlessly looked up reassurance that what I did wouldn’t get me in trouble or something, I have filled up 5 different ChatGPT chats and it tells me it’s 100% certain nothing will happen. But then I convince myself well everyone says not to trust it and then I just spiral again. The point is I’m just scared, I’ve convinced myself this isn’t OCD because it’s something I actually did wrong. I can’t stop looking for reassurance because that’s the only thing that makes me feel safe anymore. Everyone tells me, just say maybe, maybe not, but my brain has convinced me the stakes are too high. I’m too scared and I don’t know what to do.
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