I cannot deal with this anymore. I had a week of feeling good and some clarity. I got diagnosed officially with ocd on Monday and even though I was diagnosed, I still am doubting that this is what it is. I cannot deal with the ups and downs. I am fully convinced I’m going to leave my partner. I want to bath my head against a wall. Someone please help 😢 I don’t even wanna go see my partner
I sometimes doubt my diagnosis too but you’re just invalidating yourself. You got the diagnosis and you deserve to overcome the OCD
Thank you so much. This is just so unbelievably hard to live with. Every day is like hell.
@cam1724 Yeah I’m with you on that… you got this though! It can get better with time and treatment
@cam1724 i remember feeling like this about a year ago, and i was so tired of existing. people talk about how exhausted ocd makes you, but you never fully understand what they mean until you feel it. i completely understand what you’re going through. for me, i started medication (Zoloft) which has helped tremendously.
@tayleraf I’ve been on the same med for awhile so maybe I need a new one or a change in dosage. I’m starting erp next week as well. I’ve had suicidal and harm things as well but neither have been close to this bad!!
Hey, I can offer a perspective that I’m currently going through at the moment. Last night my partner and I had a disagreement on something. The disagreement started because of me mainly, and I feel terrible about it. In just that day I went from having uncertainty and lack of clarity on our relationship (because of the way my brain thinks) to being very happy and seeing our relationship for what it is (which is really good) to crashing so bad that my chest was burning. I felt self destructive and reckless. Feeling like I’m not even meant to be in a relationship and I just found all kinds of connections to make that support that. I was able to catch myself from going into a self destructive loop, but still, the feeling hasn’t gone away. All I could think this morning was think how I feel cursed by ocd. At this moment, I don’t even know how to deal with the uncertainty of the state of my relationship even though I’m almost certain it’s not ruined. Yet I can’t help but feel like I messed it up and that I’m better off not being in one for the sake of my partner. This is my first relationship in 5 years and I deliberately chose it that way after my first because I knew something was wrong with me. I also do not want to talk to my partner atm. For me it’s because I feel unworthy and like I’m just going the mess it up even more. So I’ll avoid it for now. But I know eventually I will communicate with her so we can figure things out because I like her so much that I chose to be in a relationship with her despite knowing that these consequences would come up. As much as it hurts, I know the reality of our relationship is not as bad as the thoughts of what it is in my head. I know I feel like a shit person and I can’t help feel that way when the thoughts invade, but I know that is not the case. This morning I’ve chosen to just sit with this feeling and get comfortable with it as uncomfortable as it is and as much as it hurts. Once my distress and burning feelings calm down without me distracting myself then I feel that I could communicate better with her and figure things out. I’ve honestly just been laying here for about 2 hours feeling this way but it’s gradually getting better. I hope maybe my experience can help you out a bit.
@Anonymous Thank you so much for sharing. My partner and I have only been together 6 months, but the first half I was constantly worried he would leave me. It completely switched and now I’m literally CONSTANTLY having the urge to leave him. It’s horrible. He’s my first healthy relationship and so supportive and loving. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship at all besides the fact that I feel something is missing because I’m not used to healthy relationships. I was always with emotionally unavailable men until now. I’ve just seen people say that you can love someone and get along well, but they may not be your person and I’m scared that’s what mine is 😢
@cam1724 i can guarantee you that it’s ocd. ocd will do absolutely anything to convince you that your worst fears are going to happen and that they’re happening right now.
@tayleraf Thank you so much! It’s so unbelievably hard. Have you had relationship ocd? Mine is literally so bad and feels real and true. I can’t even explain it.
@cam1724 hahahahaha yes, that’s the one i battle with the most. i’ve been in love with my boyfriend since middle school (we’re in college now) and when i first started getting the thoughts my junior year of high school it didn’t make sense. and even outside of a romantic relationship, my ocd targets my father a lot, and my boyfriends parents and how they perceive me.
@tayleraf It’s a struggle! They feel so real and true. Do you get break up urges?? Those are so bad for me! I was doing well for a week and now I’m back to feeling HORRIBLE again and all feels too true
@cam1724 yes i definitely do. they’re pretty bad right now, especially since i am surrounded by a lot of new things/people and lots of stress.
@tayleraf They’re the worst. I literally hate them. Why does it feel so real and true. It all feels like my truth. I’m here for you!
Comment deleted by user
@Anonymous same, my relationship almost ended too. but when i realized what it was and began going to therapy, id explain it to him and he’s sat in on therapy sessions and he understands it now like i do. he can see it when it’s bad, and he knows that it lies.
Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt
I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.
I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
