Has this videogame made me hurt my cat?

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

I've been hyperfixated on worrying about abuse and harm to my cats, and as a result i spiraled into some bad compulsions, and I know I'm a bad person for that. I feel horrible. Some time ago my male cat went to sniff my other female's cat bum and i know it's normal but i instantly reacted and bumped by hand to his face and I believe I accidentally used a bit too force. I got scared that I did it too hard. And I felt the urge to replicate the same move to check that it didnt hurt him and i shouldn't have done it I should have ignored the call of uncertainty, and I bumped my dorsal part of the hand on his face repeatedly to check any sign, i was replicating similar "force" to make sure I didn't hurt him going one slight step above of a gentle tap. It was like a slight stiffer tap, but not hard, but still stiff... Like I would feel the compulsive urge to try to bump my hand slightly harder to his face and that would make me feel horrible and wanting me to check it again... My cat wasn't hurt, but I think he had a confused face, my brain is telling me that he ran away and that he had a hurt face, the first thing i dont think so and the latter I believe it. I felt so guilty I thought I was an abuser. And I checked the same thing on my other female cat but she was just annoyed, she didnt feel hurt. This has been on my mind for a long time and I've been obsessing abt. Just now I compulsively tested "abuse" on my cat. i started tapping on her head lightly with my fingers. it didnt hurt her, she didnt react at all, but the first time she lowered her ears but not in a hurt way more like she was a bit annoyed by my antics, or i think it's just the nervous area because cats generally lower their ears when someone touches their head. I started tapping from her back like people do to their cats because the cats enjoy it and i used the same "energy" and slowly went to her head to see if it hurt her. and a medium tap (not hard) that didnt hurt her triggered me a lot, felt like i had done already something that was too hard. and i spiraled and kept doing the same thing to see if it hurt her. like if i do it to myself it doesnt hurt at all. and my cat didnt react at all she didnt move an inch and didnt even meow. she didnt care. i increased the power a slightly to hear more the sound of the tap and I got increasingly worried. but i kept tapping her too much. i couldn't stop. i had to check continuously that the tap before didnt sound as harsh like it did. like she didnt flinch or hiss or move at all. her ears lowered a bit probably because it was unpleasant. i would try to go above one slight step above gently tapping to see what would happened because i couldn't stand uncertainty and i couldn't believe that it could hurt her. it was never hard, but the medium taps felt abuse. when my cat headbutts she uses more strenght than i used to tap her head... to describe the tap it would be like similar to when your friend taps your shoulder to say "good job" or to encourage you. probably a bit less then that...

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.