Could I have some opinion on this?

No I remember! Things have gotten worse believe it or not. Thought I was able to see a psychiatrist who told me he would find me a therapist. Now since the extinguisher incident a series of similar accidents happened, last one occurred this morning where I was afraid I walked on a manhole cover which would have tilted it enough for a cat passing by to have its paw stuck undearneath, I didn’t go back to check even though I could because the class I had wasn’t important. So I’m still very much questionning why I do those things, is it malice? Is it just laziness or le trying to rationalize things? Either way as I explained in this post I came to the conclusion that not deleting my savefile was removing all stakes from trying to make sure my cats or other cats were ok, making me less mindful of threat that could come to them since I had no reason to anymore. Not sure if that’s clear lol

@realeventwitsend I think I get what you're trying to say. Having the possibility of losing progress in a videogame gives you incentive to make sure cats are okay, right?

@Anonymous Yeah it’s a bit like that, I caught myself thinking it during this morning’s incident, I debated in going back to check if I had not stuck a cat’s paw under a manhole cover and at some point thought "I’m gonna find a way to play anyways it doesn’t matter if I do go back”, now was I justified or not idk. But it makes me feel guilty that this is my thought process... Then again deleting my savefile would also remove any incentive and creating a new one would bring the same problem again, maybe it’s just a problem of me overestimating the danger I put cats in, like no one ever thinks that they tilt manhole covers stepping on them. In fact I was so obssessed with that going home today I turned around and check several times covers on my way to the point it probalbly triple my walking time...

@realeventwitsend I'm sorry. I understand your feelings. Again, like I said all that time ago, I had obsessions with my own cats. Also, I have obsessions with my hermit crabs as well -- hermit crabs are actually very fragile creatures, and you need to make sure that their cage has their needs and doesn't have bugs or mold in it, and I feel bad because I avoid even looking in their cage because of how stressful it is to me. Sometimes I get the feeling that others might get disappointed when they hear I'm not doing better or that I'm doing worse, and I just wanted to add that it's okay to be not doing so well and that I'm here for you all the same. :) Personally, I'm not doing very well either.

@Anonymous I’m sad to hear you’re having trouble with your pets as well. But I’m sure you’re doing your best to ensure their happiness regardless. Honestly, the fact you feel bad about it means you do care I’m sure, your reasons to be anxious are valid. I don’t think anyone would get disappointed though, you’re the one suffering, not them. But I wish us to get better at some point, be it in the far future, preferably not though lol

@realeventwitsend Yeah. And another thing; love is a good incentive. I know that fact probably won't fix your situation, but still. You care about your cats, and you do things for the people and animals you care about, regardless of anything else, and regardless of if there is a punishment otherwise or not. Love is the best incentive, I think. And if you wanted to just talk, or whatever, just let me know. :) I wasn't sure if I said that yet or not

@Anonymous Well the thing is I care more about my savefile than my cats, I still like them but wouldn’t go to extreme lengths for them. The reason I’m this obssessed with their safety are the intrusive thoughts about being an animal abuser. My psychiatrist told me I had reaction formation, a defence mechanism in which I don’t like my cat as much as I should according to my brain, my OCD, in turns, interprets it as me being an animal abuser and I have these compulsions of petting them to compensate for the bad I’m doing to them. The only unknown variables in this eqaution is why do I do these involuntary actions against my cats like pushing them a too hard with with foot or squeezing them a bit too tight when picking them up, and is my overly strong identification to my character in this videogame coupled with OCD a’d the threat of deleting my save has created an incentive for me to keep on being ”overly” careful with my cats, and is it really being overly careful or just me not wanting to do the bare minimum... But yeah aside from that, I’m up for talking :)

@realeventwitsend Hmm. OCD is weird sometimes (more like all the times). If you put all the OCD stuff aside, do you wish you loved your cats more than you do?

@Anonymous Idk, I’m not sure, I still like them as pets, they’re cute, and I’d be a bit sad if stuff happened to them, but unlike some people I see on social media, whose life revolve around their pets, I can’t see them beyond that, not sure if that makes sense but some people treat pets and human on equal footing and I’m sure I can say the same for me, not saying that their way of thinking is weird or anything, it’s incredibly respectable, I’m just not on their level in my opinion. For instance one of my cat recently died a few months ago and I didn’t really care, she was old and for the vast majority of her life she kept to herself but I did share a few cute and enjoyable moments with her. Another one of my cats is pretty old too and is probably gonna die soon, and even though he’s been there for most of my life I don’t mind that much, of course I’ll be a bit sad on the moment but I know it’ll pass quickly. One of my cat hurt herself this summer too and her wound got infected, after a while I asked my parents to bring her to the vet and thankfully they did because she was about to die from sceptisis, after a month the vet removed her pet cone saying the wound was done healing but she reopened it not 5 mintues after we got home and I had to pay for this operation from my own pocket this time, I kinda did it because I felt guilty because of OCD rather than for her. So all in all, I still like them to some level but not enough compared to how some people would, now is that the norm or not idk. And I’m not sure I’d want it to be different.

@realeventwitsend Okay, yeah, all that makes sense, and I feel like a lot of people like animals in the same/similar way that you do. The reason I asked is because I wanted to add that I feel like we don't realize how much we really love other people, and the same goes for animals as well. For example, I love my family, right? But when I think about my love for them, it feels kinda bland -- kind of "meh". Deep down I think I love them more than I realise; it's almost like, for lack of a better term, I take them for granted. Anyway, that may or may not be the case for you, just a thought I wanted to mention. And "love for animals" is sort of a "controversial subject" in a sense. You've got people who don't like animals, you've got Peta, and everywhere between. And I don't think any perspective is right or wrong. Personally, I'm on the fence. I don't know how much I should love my pets, and I obsess about it too. But it's not just about animals, but people too. Part of me wants to love everyone equally, but part of me feels like maybe I ought to love my family above others. I think about people having favorites, people having friends and best friends, and it makes me depressed tbh.

@Anonymous I feel I sort of became numb to loving people in general, I can’t say I like my family for instance, my parents are very much old fashioned and never bothered teaching me critical life skill leading me to be severely behind socially speaking, for them I had food and shelter and that was more than I could ask for according to them. I got heavily bulkied throughout my school years which led le to not trust people I mostly just keep to myself now. As for animal, I think there might have been a time where I care more about my cats years and years ago, where I fell on my cat and he spent the whole day hiding from me and I got really sad, though in retrospect it might have been more about me fearing he wouldn’t like me anymore rather than me really caring for him so idk...

@realeventwitsend I hear you. Actually, it's pretty complicated, but after people's responses to me in my time of most need, where people try to disprove the things I'm worried about rather than listening to me like I need, I got really mad at people and society. It's about some Christian things, and I feel like people are being really hypocrital about it. I don't know about loving people who don't seem to care to listen. I'm really mad with everybody. I don't know if this makes any sense

@Anonymous No it does make sense. Tbh part of me wants to live ly life alone and not talk to anyone and another part of me tends to feel super lonely. But as of right now, I’m going more towards the staying alone thing, which wouldnnt be so bad if I could partake in my hobbies, which is why I want to see a therapist as soon as possible. Though after seeing how therapy goes in sole videos, I wonder if it’ll help me, I’m starting to think I m gonna need to seriously rethink how I see the world for it to work...

@realeventwitsend I'm split about living alone or not too. I also think about marriage similarly. Maybe it's best that I'm single (that's the way that I often believe I want it to be/it should be), but then I also don't want to be alone, and I'm afraid I'm "missing out" on a special kind of love if I don't. How is it going looking for a therapist? Also, what do you mean by "sole videos"?

@Anonymous My psychiatrist told me that inna few weeks I should start therapy. I meant some videos I watched.

@realeventwitsend Ok. Well that's good. Trying therapy shouldn't hurt, but I do hope it works for you. What kind of therapy will you be in? Is it specifically OCD therapy?

@realeventwitsend Is it ERP, or ACT, or CBT therapy, or something else?

@Anonymous I’m not sure yet but I think I remember him mentionning CBT

@realeventwitsend So is it supposed to be therapy for OCD do you know? You may have heard it before, but OCD needs a special kind of therapy, normal talk therapy won't work for OCD

@Anonymous It should be therapy for OCD, when I talked to my psychiatrist I mentionned having OCD so logically speaking it should be the case. If it’s not I’ll still be able to switch to another kind I think though.

@realeventwitsend Okay. Sounds good. Therapy isn't always how it sounds, sometimes it's different from what you'd think. And sometimes you have to be patient for results from therapy. In the end, therapy isn't the final deciding factor for healing, and what matters most is you :) I hope that made sense with how I worded it

@realeventwitsend Is there anything else in specific you'd like to talk about?

@Anonymous Oh sorry! I went to bed and forgot go reply and had some exams going on too! Don’t worry, it makes sense, I’ll just see when I’ll have therapy but it should help, well it’s kinda py oast resort so it has to lol. For now I don’t really have anything else to talk about, my life is pretty bland with the lack of hobbies I can partake in but hopefully I can solve that soon...

@realeventwitsend No worries. :) I hope your exams go well; and try not to stress about them, I know it's easy to. I know it might seem like if therapy won't help then nothing will, but I'm in therapy, and I won't pretend like it's my only method for healing. Honestly, I'm feeling kinda stuck rn, idk what to do, so I understand feeling like nothing's helping. And my life gets bland too, and it's not fun, but it's okay. Besides, it's not your hobbies I care about, it's the person -- you. I've learned that, thanks to a friend I have little in common with -- he's one of the few that actually wants to keep in touch with me.

@realeventwitsend But, speaking of hobbies, what kind of things do you like to do? What games do you play?

@Anonymous Ah I wish I could say the same, nowadays I have only a few online people I’ve kept contact with and we don’t really talk much anymore, as well as a few uni friends but again, we don’t really communicate outside of school. I’m not sure what to do for healing besides therapy tbh as I heavily believe my hobbies cause me to be the way I am towards my cats... but usually I used to play team shooter games or rpgs like pokemon.

@realeventwitsend Well, as I said, that person was one of the FEW to want to keep in touch. In fact, he was pretty much the only one who wanted to keep talking to me -- he's like my last friend. A few years back all my friends kind of faded away. I never talked to this guy much (about once a year), and I still don't, but things got complicated, and unfortunately it seems it may be a few years until I can talk to him again, if ever. And we met in person, but it became an online friendship. Besides him, I'm all alone. I don't even have acquaintance friends rn. When I go to college, it's the same as when I went to school; people don't seem to have the desire to be my friend. I don't play a lot of team shooters (or shooters in general), but I do play Splatoon. And I play Pokemon too.

No not particularily, your support was welcomed don’t worry!

@realeventwitsend Ok, great! :)