It's getting worse

Everyday just gets worse and worse and there’s no way to escape the cycle. This constant feeling of dread and guilt I can’t stand it. I have no one to talk to about any of this because I have a fear of them thinking of me different and I don’t like putting my problems on people it just makes me feel like I want attention or something like even when I’m writing this paragraph. I’m stuck in a constant loop. Constant aggressive thoughts and compulsions. I’m 18 and I don’t know about any of my insurance or anything so I can’t get a therapist on here and I really don’t wanna talk to my mom about any of this. I dread having to wake up everyone morning and continue with this shit all day every day. I hate complaining but I just can’t stand this. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing every inch of my mind.

I feel like in some ways receiving a diagnosis for OCD has in some ways made things worse. I’ve always had what I called “phases” throughout life, which I now know were ocd episodes, but I didn’t really make too much of them and even if it was over several long difficult months, they’d always seem to kind of just pass. Recently I’ve begun my worse flare up in the last few years and now that I’m older I seemed professional help which led to my diagnosis. This all sounds great of course but I can’t actually afford therapy right now so I kinda just have the diagnosis but not the support so now that I realize these phases are actually this incurable mental illness I just feel like I’ve lost all hope that I’ll ever be happy and I feel like I basically obsess about obsessing at this point and it just sucks. Has anyone else had this or a similar experience?

I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.