I feel terrible again

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

I feel really ashamed, I used someones art as a background and didnt credit them, so I got criticized for it. I dont understand this shame cause it's not like Im going to do this anyway, it's just here. My ocd isnt helping at all cause now I have these thoughts of "what if Im doing something wrong" "what if Im a bad person" AS IF I CARED. Literally I get so ashamed over things that normally I wouldnt care about and then get stuck on a loop of constant rumination and overanalyzing. Im just so tired

This morning I was looking at comics from an artist I really love. She portrays complicated and morally grey characters in their work, which is something I really respect about her art. When I went to the comments, someone was talking about how the artist is obviously a creep and disgusting person just like her characters. The commenter said that she has a thread detailing why she's a creep on a forum that is NOTORIOUS for harassing LGBT+ people on the Internet. I couldn’t help but check her thread despite me knowing how horrible the forum is. I didn't find anything morally reprehensible in that thread, just a lot of people misgendering her and calling her disgusting names just for being LGBT+. I'm embarrassed that I checked anyway, and I'm very scared knowing that the forum still exists. I've had previous obsessions worrying about me and my Internet posts ending up there and being harassed, I'm trying not to search any of my old usernames on the forum. Also still worried that maybe I'm wrong and the artist I follow IS problematic and she'll get canceled in spaces where she was respected and I should stop trying to defend her and just unfollow her.