Is my life over?

I feel like my OCD is at its worst, and maybe even depression. I can’t go to work, and I just sit in the same spot in my house all day so people outside can’t see me and judge me. All I do is eat, shower, and take baths. I cry, text my mom, and talk to my husband. I feel like my life is over. I want things to be the way they used to be, and they’re just not. But I can’t go back to the hospital. Then I have to be away from my home, and miss a vacation I’m supposed to go on next week. But will I even enjoy the vacation? I have no idea. I’m at a loss. I used to be a happy teacher with lots of hobbies and a social life. Now I can’t even bring myself to cook meals or read a book. I look at all the paintings and crochet I used to do, the photos of me traveling - how am I possibly the same human being?

For 13 years, OCD is not just a part of my life; OCD IS my life. I cant work, Im having intrusions all day, anxiety all day, afraid of my own mind, it even caused me chronic fatigue syndrom because I did only sleep a couple of hours for years because of the compulsions I did on repeat every awake hour of every single day, no pause, not even for 5 minutes. Ive had a couple of months where it was better, like I was able to live life a little more and not being tortured 24/7. Sometimes I feel like Im the only one with OCD for so long and the only one on whom OCD has such a big impact... 😔

Feeling a little despondent because I had been doing better for a few weeks, making some progress and experiencing less anxiety, but I had a bad flare this past weekend after a stressful week and now I feel like I'm back where I was a month ago and that I'll never get any better than this. I think the worst part is that it feels so isolating. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't have OCD and don't understand, and I feel like I'm just burdening them with crazy nonsense and alienating them because they can't relate to anything I talk about anymore. I can't talk to my family because they're tired of having to live with me and fed up with me not making any substantial progress, and me talking about my OCD just makes them angry because it means I haven't been working hard enough to get better and I should be over it by now. It's worse now that I gave them the false hope that I was doing better, but every time I relapse I let them down and they're running out of patience to deal with me. I am an emotional and financial burden to my family and I contribute nothing in return. I can barely leave the house, I'm almost 38 years old and I've never had a real job or any interests outside of my obsessions. My family is pretty much the only thing I have going for me and if I don't get better NOW, my behavior will push them away too. I see people younger than me getting help for OCD and I feel like it's just too late, this disorder is all I'll ever be and I'll never be able to recover and have an identity outside of it. I am seeing a therapist but no matter how much they tell me I'm working hard or making progress, I just can't see it and I'm sure they'll give up on me soon.