- Date posted
- 1y
Is my life over?
I feel like OCD has made me a shell of the person I used to be. I am not able to keep up with work, family or friends. I am worried I will lose the ability to work and connect.
I feel like OCD has made me a shell of the person I used to be. I am not able to keep up with work, family or friends. I am worried I will lose the ability to work and connect.
Hey there! I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. But if it helps at all, what you're feeling is EXTREMELY common with this disorder. Especially when it's flaring up. You're overwhelmed completely. We've all be there and return there frequently. What you have to do is do these things anyway despite the fears, mental noise, and so on. Unfortunately OCD can rob us of a lot of things. I was actually just reflecting on this with my significant other. But we have to live life regardless. As hard as it maybe, please try and keep the faith that brighter days are still possible and focus on living life one day at a time during these difficult periods. Don't rush recovery, simply allow it to happen. Regardless of how long it feels like it's taking
Thanks OoOcCdD66 for you words of wisdom in dealing & living with this disorder.
Omg I feel the same way. Sometimes it feels like I am so disconnected. I can’t do school work or apply myself to my relationships because of ocd. What helped me though was telling the people I love that I was struggling. I didn’t tell them for the longest time because I didn’t want to make them worry or judge me but what I didn’t notice is that it just made me feel more lonely. Everyone was acting like everything was fine and I was drowning. I caved and told everyone that I was feeling really depressed and anxious. That was the stepping stone I took to take my life back. You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to but just saying hey I am going through a really hard time lately and I just need some support can go a long way! It made me feel more connected with my friends and family and they offered advice and help to other things in my life.
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
I feel like my life isn't my own anymore. I live by OCD's rules. I can't ever switch it off. I spend most of my day mentally reviewing and constantly checking myself. I have to do things in a certain way or i dont feel safe. All this time that i've lost and for what? Idk how I let thoughts have so much power over my life and yet here I am. Every day. I can't even get away from it in sleep because i have dreams about it and I wake up anxious if i manage to get any sleep at all. I'm so over it all.
(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.
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