Username: yessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

SO-OCD/HOCD is exhausting

Do your intrusive thoughts show up in 1st and 2nd person? It’s like there are two voices fighting, but I don’t know which one is real anymore. I’ve taken myself to such a deep pit after a week of mental reviewing, checking, reassurances, and compulsions. If I were a lesbian or bisexual I would be happy and not be spending 10-15 hours and losing sleep. The last week I’ve had no appetite and been wanting to throw up any chance I have. But my mind says I’m lying to myself and repressing myself. It tells me I’m lying and that I already know the answer, and that the answer is that I’m a lesbian and bisexual. I’ve been posting a lot, but this theme makes me feel like I’m a special case and that I’m the only one going through this. I know I’m not, but it just feels so real.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: ZTValenZTValen

Date posted: 1y ago

It can happen, for sure. And if there's any space where you should be posting a lot about OCD, this is definitely it. A lot of folks here can relate to posting while they're panicking. I've done it, many others have, as well.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 1y ago

@ZTValen Can we chat more. You helped me so much yesterday. I’m still upset :(

Username: ZTValenZTValen

Date posted: 1y ago

@Ditto Feel free! My response rate is going to be a tad slower, though. For the next 20-30 mins, at least.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 1y ago

@ZTValen I’m confused on why there’s obviously so much I love about my husband, but my brain is so fixed on this.

Username: ZTValenZTValen

Date posted: 1y ago

@Ditto Think about it this way - you have a lot of love for your husband. That's something you care about a lot. I love my wife, dearly, that's something I care about a lot. Yet, your mind wants to attach to something you care about and shakes what should be unshakable. And it keeps rolling the same type of thoughts, over and over. It's not something grounded in rationality. Rationally, you said it yourself, you love your husband. But, you can't reason OCD away. Once OCD is locked on a theme, it keeps gnawing at you, compelling you to compulsively do something - checking, reassurance seeking, etc. It's the same for most themes, whether it's Sexual orientation OCD, Relationship OCD, Transgender OCD, or even Harm OCD.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 1y ago

Same, these thoughts are non stop and constant. I love my husband and our life together. I just can’t take this constant heaviness. Life feels like I’m moving through sludge half the time.

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@Ditto Sending you strength Ditto. I’m not in a relationship but I can only imagine how challenging having ROCD and this theme can be.

Username: Lizzie Lizzie

Date posted: 1y ago

I get ‘what if’ thoughts and first and second person thoughts. The first and second ones are the most scary as they feel more real when statements start with ‘I’, for example, but I think this is just OCD trying to make it seem more real. Not all OCD thoughts are ‘what if’. I wish this was discussed more! I’ve had several subsets of OCD in the past. I remember when I had bad harm ocd and I would get ‘what if’ thoughts but also thoughts such as ‘I’m going to kill my parents’ (very disturbing at the time)or I’d get graphic images, so OCD isn’t all about ‘what if thoughts’, sometimes you don’t even need words attached to the thoughts. So many people get unstuck with this ‘what if’ business and thinking it means they don’t have OCD.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Patience thru it all, breathe in and breathe out, go for a walk, distract yourself Call of Duty on the phone is pretty fun heheh

Username: JohnKitJohnKit

Date posted: 1y ago

yes I use to have intrusive thought if you checking, reassurance and compulsion then it is hocd and fr if I was bI or anything I would be ok I’m bi and not fight the voice in my head over hour and hour I’m also going through the same thing whwre my head told me to at I’m bi and ga but I’m straight

Username: Carlos ACarlos A

Date posted: 1y ago

Like you, I haven't been able to stop for a long time, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from who I was and who I want to be, I just don't like the idea of giving up women and changing them for men, and every time When I think about this, a thought appears along the lines of “and you've thought about bisexuality” and that option doesn't reassure me either, I don't even think about the idea of going for both, I don't want to be with men and I do want to be with girls. I have been very anxious because girls that I could say I have been pursuing for a long time but who did not pay attention to me and who I thought I had no chance, now contact me, when I feel most numb, I understand you because I feel the same, it is a frustrating feeling, losing time of my life because of a mental smokescreen, losing sensitivity for girls, it's HORRIBLE

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@Carlos A I relate to the feeling of getting further from who I was. It feels like my attraction to men has disappeared and gained a sudden attraction to women. I did a stupid reassurance and fantasized about a woman to make sure, and felt aroused and smiled. The smiling turned into images of having sex with women and that I now want to explore being with women. I don’t want to, but it’s telling me I do. But then it’s telling me that I’m lying about saying I don’t want to. Before this episode I was able to be in spaces and not feel like my sexuality was threatened. I wasn’t thinking about oh my god that girl is pretty, I was boy crazy. And now it feels like it’s all false. It feels like I never had crushes on guys, that I was always secretly attracted to women. It makes me feel like I need to be sexually and romantically involved with women now. It’s so hard to trust that this is SO-OCD/HOCD, it makes me feel like what if I am bisexual or a lesbian and I’m just repressing it? I miss the days where I was able to shake the thoughts off.

Username: Carlos ACarlos A

Date posted: 1y ago

@yessyess I identify with your story, literally that's how it feels, and the sensations make it more difficult

Username: JenniesOCDBrainJenniesOCDBrain

Date posted: 1y ago

hey, i can only imagine how tough it's been feeling like you're stuck in that pattern, especially after self-isolation during covid. it sounds like you've got a solid routine with the gym, martial arts, and finding solace in your spirituality—that's huge strength to draw from. 🌱 i've been down that road, feeling caught in a loop with my OCD, and what really shifted things for me was this free AI OCD therapy tool called "unstuck" (unstuckmyocd.com/try) my therapist recommended. it'll be especially helpful for you because it tailors to your specific struggles, providing step-by-step support just like an OCD therapist would as you face those mental blocks. i hate when people promote stuff, but i really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have Qs or just want to talk more! <3

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?

Username: missbluesky

Date posted: 3y ago

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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SO-OCD/HOCD is exhausting

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