Username: yessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

Starting ERP with NOCD today

I was able to sleep better but being calm takes me down to a spiral. I’m scared, what if I’m bisexual or a lesbian and I’m just lying to myself? What if I like the exposures, what if the exposures become my moment of truth? I feel like my attraction to men is there but it has disappeared. My mind keeps screaming I am lying about being straight and my attraction to men. It makes me feel like I like the idea of being with a woman now. My face smiles, it feels like it’s playing cruel games. I don’t see myself growing old with a woman. I know it’s OCD, but it just feels so real. I have friends and family who would accept me if I were bisexual or a lesbian. But I don’t want to. I feel like I have fed this monster even more fuel with doing mental reviews and googling. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve struggled with SO-OCD in the past and was able to not think about my sexuality. But this time it just feels so real. I started sertraline yesterday. I know ERP is going to be hard work, but I’m just scared what if I’ve been in denial? I don’t want to lose another part of myself. My heart goes out to the bisexual community and how challenging it may be for them loving two or multiple genders. But I just don’t want to be with a woman. But my mind is telling me I have internalized biphobia. I just don’t want to. I hate this so much.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: pengunaranja pengunaranja

Date posted: 1y ago

I get you, keep it up ok? Don't give up on ir, You can do it, it also males me think i would like to grow old with a woman, i have my bf and i love him, but this is making me think i don't.. it's cruel

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@pengunaranja Cheering you on as well! We can do it!

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

This theme makes me feel like I’m alone even though I’m not alone. I know I’m not the only one experiencing this theme but these thoughts continue to morph and feel so unique. I know it’s OCD, I know it’s SO-OCD otherwise the theme wouldn’t exist. But it just feels so real sometimes.

Username: skuvaskuva

Date posted: 1y ago

Yowh like when it unfolds it self its so darn REAL and saying otherwise(the truth)is just making it worse

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@skuva Thank you, I’m trying my best not to say that anymore. I know I’m giving these thoughts power. I can’t identify what’s real or OCD anymore, it’s like my logic has disappeared

Username: LV4523LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I just commented on your other one but I feel my face smiling too! It’s so weird how our ocd does that.

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@LV4523 It’s so weird! It’s like if I were accepting it’s true.

Username: LV4523LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

It feels like once you have “solved” one trigger another one comes up. Your brain finds new ways to live in a constant state of doubt. I find posts about finding your inner self and being who you truly are to be very triggering. I also have had a hard time seeing women post about how they didn’t discover their sexuality until their late 20s or so. Do you find yourself asking if every woman you see is attractive? And feeling like you notice women a lot more than you used to now? That’s been very common with my experiences

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@LV4523 The “solving” is so freaking real, it feels like I just unleashed another set of monsters and has taken me to another dimension of confusion and distress. It’s like one day it’s the fear of being bisexual, to fear of being a lesbian, to the fear I’m lying about being straight, to saying I’m bisexual and have SO-OCD, it’s just morphs. Like it makes no sense, I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to women, but my mind is saying yes I am. I saw a woman that was pretty and others weren’t and my mind immediately went, “see that’s your type”. But if I were bisexual or a lesbian I wouldn’t be thinking about that brief 5 second moment for an hour or two. I hate this theme so much!

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@yessyess It feels like all my experiences and silly crushes and fantasies about men have diminished. I am terrified of starting ERP. And then reading articles about people who had SO-OCD and turned out to be bisexual just took me to another pit. Of course it’s their experiences and I’m trying my best to accept everyone’s experiences are different. Even the thought of maybe yes or maybe no of that being my experience freaks me out.

Username: LV4523LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@yessyess Me too, I haven’t done any ERP yet but I try and do some exposures on my own every day. Writing down a list of everything that triggered me helped me so so much. But I completely understand how you feel. Try and remember that ocd attacks our core values. I’m 23 and have fantasized about my wedding, having kids, and retiring with my husband my entire life! And now suddenly i question if that was just a lie I made up in my brain my entire life. OCD is the absolute worst.

Username: yessyessyessyess

Date posted: 1y ago

@LV4523 Yes! I had my dream wedding playlist and even daydreamed about pregnancy. It feels like it’s gone and been replaced with thoughts of women. It’s so hard to trust that this is OCD. I’m comforted to know it has a name, but it’s just so scary.

Username: LV4523LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@yessyess Me too, and I tend to feel like I’m in denial over and over again once I start getting less anxious by the thoughts. On good days I try and make it a joke to myself which I find to be helpful!

Username: JenniesOCDBrainJenniesOCDBrain

Date posted: 1y ago

hey, i can hear how tough things are for you right now, and it's really brave to share your struggles like this. it's so hard when your own thoughts feel like they're against you, and i'm sending you a ton of support. 💛 i've been in that whirlwind of doubt before, and something that was a game-changer for me was "unstuck" (unstuckmyocd.com/try). it's a free AI tool that's like having an ocd therapist in your pocket, giving you personalized, step-by-step support. it'll be especially helpful for you because it's designed to guide you through moments when your thoughts feel overwhelmingly real and help you navigate erp without getting stuck in the cycle of reassurance. i hate when people promote stuff, but i really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have qs or just want to talk more! <3

Username: Tolly537

Date posted: 5y ago

I hate that we have to suffer with sexual orientation OCD. Heck in the way, way past I was aroused by Lesbian porn but it never made me doubt my heterosexuality. But now with this OCD subject and the constant mental rituals ocd tells me that because of what I did in the past it means I’m a lesbian and I just haven’t realized it yet. And during ERP when the behavioral specialist tell me to imagine that the thoughts might be true (that’s what you have to do in ERP) it terrifies me and makes me so so sick. I just don’t want it to be true. I’ve always dreamed of having a husband, even now in moments like these I wish he was here to hold me now and tell me everything will be ok...

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

*EXPLICIT!!!!* Is it normal to completely loose your identity with HOCD? There's no "deep down I know I'm straight." I feel completely gay. I really think I am a lesbian in denial. I want my identity back. I've asked this before, but with ERP am I supposed to tell myself that I am gay? I don't know how else to except it. It's the only way that doesn't feel like I'm lying to myself now. It's extremely upsetting because I really don't want this to be my reality. My dad said that if I am a lesbian than I still get to choose who I'm with, but if I am then there's no reason not to be with a woman even if I don't want to be. I have to. If I'm a lesbian and I stay with my boyfriend then I'm just in denial and lying to myself and him right? I have to put myself in a box, I'm not capable of breaking societal standards for some reason as in if I'm a lesbian then I can only date women. My parents keep telling me that they don't think I'm gay, but I can do whatever. I think I'm starting to convince myself that this actually what I want. Hopefully just so I can get over the pain. I don't know anymore. I don't know how I let this turn into an actual identity crisis. It doesn't help that I have ROCD too. I think I'm going to go on the SSRI I was prescribed even though it had bad reviews. I've had OCD since I was like six years old, with multiple different things, but I keep thinking with this one what if it's different? *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* *TMI* I've watched lesbian porn in the past and have finished to it multiple times and for a while that was my go to, then I stopped watching porn altogether. I didn't have any emotional connection to it, but it worked. What if I didn't have an emotional connection because I didn't let myself? I had a fantasy about myself in a lesbian porn once, but again, back then I didn't think of it as something I really wanted in reality, infact it was testing, but I stayed aroused. I know I had fantasies about guys my whole life, but now I feel like I'm making them up. At the beginning of this I remember testing myself thinking about a girl and then switching to a boy to see if I would stay aroused, and I'd completely loose arousal with the boy. There was a lot of anxiety around this so I don't know if that's why or if it's because I'm actually gay. I really really really do not want to be a lesbian, but I read about another on quora that said she really didn't want to be gay and another girl answered by saying that she didn't want to be at first either and that in the beginning she wasn't even able to say the word "lesbian" and that she was extremely depressed in the beginning, but now she's happy. I don't want that. I don't even want to be happy and gay.

Username: Abby

Date posted: 3y ago

Hi, there! I’m going through an IOP program for my sexual orientation OCD, and I feel like I’m failing miserably. My anxiety and sexual arousal are almost indistinguishable, right now. When I first started obsessing over my sexuality I checked, and checked, and checked to see how I felt when looking at the women I’ve always followed on my Instagram. Now I’m at the point where I feel some kind of arousal response to any woman I look at. It’s almost immediate, and it absolutely terrifies me. It makes me feel very sick because I’ve never felt that way about women. I go a million rounds in my head trying to deduce if it’s real arousal or stress or whatever. Then my brain ruminates over whether or not I actually hate these feelings or if I secretly enjoy them. It makes my heart hurt to think I have to break up with my boyfriend because I’m a fraud. He’s the kind of guy I dreamed about being with most of my life. And I haven’t spent time with my female friends in so long. I’ve never felt more not like myself. I feel deeply alone and afraid that the IOP will do nothing for me in the end. Am I alone?

Sexual Orientation OCD

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