Gender is Weird

I am scared, because we both like each other. We get a long very well, and I enjoy his company so much. He has had top surgery, he has a sharp jawline, he's on HRT, but he also has long hair and pretty eyes. He acknowledges that while he obviously presents masculinely he also some feminine traits, he's a "girly boy". But I am scared cause I don't know if I am really attracted to him for any of the "masculine" parts of him. I am attracted to him, I think, because of the "girly" parts. It feels almost like I am betraying him, like I am attracted to him not because he's a guy but because he looks like a girl to me. Which would be horrible to hear if you're a trans man I'm sure. I have been refusing to accept it for weeks now. It can't be the case, I hope. I have watched gay porn before, a lot actually. But I have never had interest in men before him. Everything in my head points to me doing this shameful act, that this whole time I have been misgendering him in my head. I hate it, because I know in my heart that he is a man. He's even looked like a man in the past to me. So I don't know why I can only see the feminine side now. I just don't want to lose him. I love liking him. I want to talk to him like we always do. Am I gay? I don't know? Do I like men? Same question, but I still don't know. Why do I like him? Because he looks like a man or a girl? I don't know. I am just sad, and scared. My therapist tells me I have to live in uncertainty. I don't doubt her. I am not asking for reassurance, just advice. I also needed to vent. Cause my thoughts are spiraling.

My boyfriend is ftm, and I’m very supportive of him and his journey with gender. It opened a lot of conversations between us about each others gender/sexuality. I’ve known for a long time that i’m pan, but I’ve struggled a lot with my own gender. My OCD causes me to doubt myself a lot, one day i feel hyper feminine and have no desire to identify as a man, but the next day I am extremely dysphoric about my body/hair/voice and wonder if I’m ftm as well? and then it goes away the next day. Some days I don’t even feel feminine OR masculine. I spend a lot of my time ruminating over if i’m trans, and abt the possibility of me spending the rest of my life either not knowing, or settling for whatever’s easiest for myself and everyone around me. I don’t know if I actually believe I’m a man, or if I’m pretending, or if it’s just in my head. Its like I don’t know what to trust since my opinion is different every day, and it feels like I can’t trust my own intuition. It’s starting to affect my sex drive, my sleep, my self confidence, and my self image. It’s really confusing me and I’m wondering if anyone can relate or has some advice. Thank you:)

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.