Friends, how to express what's Pure OCD?

Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

This is simply advice that helped me and in no way am I qualified to tell you what to do but only to relay my experience. Please speak with your therapist first and foremost. - ERP: You need it and it feels so amazing when you have someone help you along the way -whatever your brain is telling you that you do not deserve to do (exercising, eating (in general or healthily), skincare, dressing nicely, your favorite hobby, etc.) JUST DO IT! will you be riddle with guilt? yes. will it feel sooo wrong? yes. Will you feel anxious? yes. Please just take care of yourself and think of it as an exposure because I think it is! Refuse the conditions of OCD. If that doesn't convince you, do it for the younger you, the five year old you who dreamt of so much. Do that hobby and activity they would love for you to do - Listen to music and consume content with meaningful and uplifting messages. This is for everyone and especially those of you compulsively researching OCD and whatnot and watching videos and all that stuff. Don't get me wrong OCD knowledge saves lives, but when it becomes all consuming its doing more harm then help. Try to take in content (non-compulsively) that is uplifting and positive. Not to necessarily make you positive but to give your brain happy content- feed your brain the stuff you want more of. This is kind of silly but I love listening to the Spirit movie songs by Bryan Adams- they're kind of badass. -Think about and visualize a future that is full of hope. Ok hear me out. Whenever I would think of the future it would be dark and scary which is terrifying but normal with OCD and especially with depression. As I get better whenever I think about a future but on my terms and with everything working out great, I would feel great and then awful thoughts would flood my brain. This scared me and it still does but I realize that avoiding thinking about a positive future was a compulsion for me (you might not relate to this because its kind of niche and that's ok) -Stop monitoring how you feel. I deal with this more as I lean into recovery. I notice OCD sneaking in as scary feelings. Feel them but ignore diving deeper. Remember your brain has been fixated on a scary outcome for a long time so of course we will get the thoughts and feelings and all that stuff (Don't think about a pink elephant!). Your brain lies whether that is a thought, image, urge or feeling. It will do anything to 'protect' you aka, make you do what you are convinced will make you feel safe which are your compulsions. Resist it all-continue doing what you normally do even if you feel like the most disgusting and horrible person. Like Dory says "just keep going" -Stop monitoring how recovered you feel and stop trying to feel 'perfect' or 'just right'. Just live and go through your day doing what you value no matter what you feel. This is SO hard, it's so much easier said than done but you can't get better if you are obsessed with getting better. Look out for this OCD sneakiness and mention it to your therapist. -Gratitude. Be grateful for whatever good you do have no matter how deserving or undeserving you feel. Be grateful that OCD resources and help is becoming so robust in our time. Be grateful if you have people who support you. Be grateful for your therapist. Be grateful for every single good thing. Even be grateful for your brain! I know, I know, but think about how it's just an organ and it thinks its doing its best to protect you even if it is being supeeeeerrr not helpful. -Focus and help others. This can be hard especially with themes like Harm OCD and POCD but I know how it feels. Focus on how much your sibling would appreciate you helping them with their homework instead of focusing on how terrifying it would be for you with the onslaught on negative thoughts. Think about how much your dog would love to go on a walk and explore the world and not on how awful you will feel doing it. I did it and I know you can. -Stop waiting to love and respect yourself before you do things that will help you love and respect yourself. Stop waiting until you feel better to do what you love. You build self love, trust, and respect by continuously and purposefully doing what you love and what you value. -Stop the internal whine. Ok, listen I am not trying to invalidate how absolutely debilitating this disorder is, but I realized for myself that the internal whining I had about this was keeping me stuck. "why me!" "I love my family, I love children, I love animals, etc., why did I have to have this obsession?" guess what it would stick if it didn't matter. How do you make someone do what you want? By threatening what you love most. It sucks but thank goodness you are tough. You are strong and absolutely capable of handling this disorder. But you won't know this until you try and until you do what it takes. -Accept it all. The thoughts, images, and every part of this confusing and even traumatic experience. Accept that you have OCD and that comes with constant doubting and upsetting thoughts. Accept and find some self compassion for your torment. Accept even when you think you possibly can not. Acceptance helps you detach from the thoughts and creates space for it to be there with out determining who you are and what you should do. This are just some things that continue to help me through OCD recovery. Feel free to ask question below but not reassurance because I will not give it. I love you all so very much (yes even you who thinks they are the exception and thinks that if I knew what they thought it would not apply to them, especially you!!!)

Hey guys 😞 I'm drained..I like to use that word a lot and it's truly how I feel. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish ocd and depression in certain circumstances. I feel like I have a lot of negative self talk going on like I tell myself aside from family no one cares about me. It comes in full force and I feel like I'm trying to figure it out and I'm engaging with the thoughts. It's bad. Sometimes it's so hard to be mindful when overwhelmed and hit with all these emotions. I wish I could dump my brain in the garbage. I've done erp in the past quite a bit..actually a lot. I was relaxed for awhile because I was functioning pretty well. Then I took some big steps in my life. I started socializing more..I love doing that but my self esteem isn't great at all. I took the initiative to ask someone out and I recall the anxiety that struck shortly afterward. Thoughts do I truly like her? What if I don't like her what does that say about me? I felt she genuine about her though so having these thoughts were so distressing. Was my first true relationship ocd hindered my so much in the past. I'm 29 and very much ashamed that that I haven't been truly intimate with another partner. I never got involved in anything as a teen like recreational drug usage because it was a core fear of my ocd. I would say I'm pretty fortunate though in a sense I didn't really go down the route. Addiction runs in the family. I would say my biggest issue now is how quickly things turned..I am plagued by ocd and depression most of the day. The things that help me is interaction if I can muster up the strength. My job is a good source of interaction but it's also highly stressful for me now. I work as a life coach for adults with autism spectrum and developmental disorders. I legitimately feel like work is going to run me into the ground. I wasn't able to get a leave from a doctor despite expressing my concern and I feel like not be about to take a little leave from work scares me. I have another 3 weeks until I see him..maybe a little more. I'm just holding it together but I feel so alone. My mood is up and down and I hinge my happiness too much on others unfortunately. I want to give my whole self to people..I just want want to feel like someone cares about me. I want somebody to text me and actually check in with my aside from family. I've been so much more social but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I feel a little bitter. The world doesn't owe me anything in any sense and people go through there own stuff. I'm pretty apologetic for expressing how I feel and I assume what people think too often. I get the sense people are sick of me bringing up my struggles..I honestly try my best to get to know other people. The thought runs through my head though..do you even care about others?? Would you guys consider that moral scrupolisity? Just the fact I wrestle and it's a tug and war with my mind reminds me so much of my past days of severe ocd. It's returning with a vengeance. I really want social relationships I want an intimate relationship but I get this nagging feeling that I'm just a burden no one wants to take on. I took off from work today it's been hard. I've been doing that a bit more. In my past I used to do it a lot when my anxiety was terrible. That's my verbal vomit I just wanted to go into a little detail I've only really posted once in here. Be well.