Existenialism

I’ve been having intrusive thoughts that I am a bad friend. There’s no reason in particular, just this nebulous feeling that I am an overall shitty person and terrible friend. That maybe I haven’t asked how my friends are enough times, did I show them how much I care enough, did I show enough interest in their lives, am I empathetic and compassionate enough, etc.? Another thought is that “it’s no wonder my friends don’t really text me often, who would want to be my friend and have to deal with my anxiety, depression, and ocd.” My dad has told me that I no one would want to be my friend due to my fears of contamination and germs. I’m trying to tell myself they’re just thoughts and that doesn’t make them real, but my anxiety and depression have spiked recently due to my job and I feel like I’m a liability instead of an asset. I’m terrified of ruining people’s lives. However, I know that I am a genuine person who is very compassionate and empathetic and cares a lot about others. I am a volunteer manager and I genuinely care about my volunteers as people, so in emails and conversations, I always ask how they are and that their families are well and I hope they’ve enjoyed their weekend. I have recently learned that that is one of their big complaints about me— they find my “how are yous” and “I hope you are well” to be abrasive and mechanical. My volunteers trigger the anxiety, depression, and OCD. Does anyone have any other tools they use to help with intrusive thoughts? Am I alone in this? I feel so alone.

So today I’ve been crying all day. My existential OCD has flared up in the past week and it may or may not have been because of me trying to quit nicotine. Don’t get me wrong I had been having thoughts before that but it seemed to be at a calm for a few months. I also have been alone for the past week due to my mom going away on vacation. That may or may not have been a factor as well. But I’ve been feeling really depressed and scared. So much has been on my mind that it would be paragraphs and paragraphs so I’ll just leave it up to the people who have experienced existential OCD. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been giving much attention to my other subtypes in the sense of challenging them. I guess I felt that since I had the scary existential thoughts on hold that I didn’t have to work on the other stuff because I felt like those things were worth worrying about instead of worrying about my purpose or why am I me type of thoughts. I just write this to share and maybe get advice from anyone experiencing what I’ve been experiencing. I’m going to keep going though and keep trying to kick OCD’s ass. Because what’s the alternative? Lol. Hope whoever is reading this is enjoying the little things and giving themselves grace and having a good day. 😊🙏

Hey guys so I’m new here and just recently started struggling with some health ocd and thinking I had a brain tumor but it’s taken a turn for the worse and become this existential ocd where I’m questioning quite literally everything in my life, the purpose of being here and stuff. I just started meds yesterday, which is scary for me cause I’ve never been on them before. I keep having thoughts like, why does everything feel like a blur, what’s the meaning of this and I wake up every day with just existential dread. I’ve been having very vivid dreams that make dreaming and reality confusing I also am scared cause I’m dealing with some DP/DR as well. I just wish my life could go back to a few months ago before I knew all of this was possible. I guess I’m just writing this too get it off my chest and see if any of you all have gone through something similar and made it out okay?