- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
The problem with all thia HOCD stuff is the label. What does it man to be gay to start with? There are as many measures as there are people on earth. First let's get rid of the language prison here. Let's call it a random name - "bleab". "I am worried that I might be bleab". What those that even mean? That I find men attractive. To what degree? - We are starting to get into messy territory here. --- Since it is impossible to classify the various levels and degrees of same sex attraction that makes a person a "bleab" person we need to find another measure: "What do you want"? "Who do YOU want to live with?" "How do YOU want to spend the rest of your life?". Once these questions are answered it is of little importance whether you masturbate to "clean porn" or "unicorn porn", whether you get erections by looking at another bleab, etc. ---- Our self-righteous society loves categories and wants you to identify with one. You don't have too. --- As a person TRULY attracted to both genders (to a degree - cough, non-reassurance) I am a living example of this. I find tons of things interesting but what do I want? What do I want my life to look like? for MY SAKE not for what other people will think. I don't visualize my life with anyone else but my beloved wife. She is the best companion in this journey. There is one thing that OCD will never have the power to make me doubt- and that is the love I feel for her to the point where I was willing to endure unbearable pain so she wouldn't suffer. Now, here it comes. I know it is reassurance but fuck it - I am just gonna give it to you. People truly attracted to their same gender don't agonize over it - even if they are in denial. It is beautifully pleasurable to think about it.
- Date posted
- 5y
@FernandoV this was one of the best comments I have ever read on this app! Thank you sooo, so much!!!
- Date posted
- 5y
Goddamn those words are truly powerful. That’s probably the best advice I’ve ever heard in HOCD, period.
- Date posted
- 5y
FernandoV—my favorite person on this app. Now, if you have wisdom for those of us with existential themes, I’ll take anything you got to offer!
- Date posted
- 5y
*four months* my bad
- Date posted
- 5y
Sure, what seems to be bothering you? I don't have a lot of personal experience with existential obsessions but let's give it a try.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you Fernando. Well, most of it has to do with death and life and God, so all the big things. I can’t stop thinking about what happens when we die, if anything. And how can we ever find meaning in life, and why are we even here? And how can I know that I’m living a meaningful, good life? I was/am religious and it has always brought me joy, but I keep questioning whether God exists and checking to see if I believe anymore. I believe doubt is a healthy part of faith, and I know that no one can ever really know if God exists. And I guess at this point I don’t even really care if the religious stuff/God/Ultimate Reality is real or not, I just want the joy and comfort that it used to bring me. The compulsions are mainly mental—ruminating and arguing with myself and reassuring myself that “I still believe” or whatever. Internet research is also a compulsion. I’m working on ERP with a specialist, but this has just been a really hard theme for me to break. Ive struggled with almost all of the regular Pure O themes, and ERP has been helpful for all of them, but the existential stuff has been a lot harder to counter.
- Date posted
- 5y
Sorry for not answering before. -- If that is existential OCD then yes. I have had a lot of that too. - I see a key phrase in your message '"I want the joy it used to bring me". There is exactly where the trap is - just as a heroin addict you are after a high that is no longer there. As long as you keep pursuing that high, your suffering will likely keep prolonging. Would it be possible for you to let go of that need and want?
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you for answering, Fernando. I see what you mean—it just makes me sad and keeps me in an ocd loop to think about the things I used to feel. Like, do I wish I could go back to a time when I was sure that heaven was real and not just made up to help humans deal with a fear of death? Of course, and youre right that that keeps me in a loop. But if I can somehow let go of that desire for certainty, how do I sustain a religious practice? Because I still want that in my life because it grounds me and it’s part of my identity and I think parts of it are so beautiful. I just don’t know if any of it is true. I see it as similar to a lot of ROCD thoughts that I’ve struggled with—I don’t know if my love for my husband is real or strong enough, even though I also know that I want to be with him; and what if one day I feel like I don’t want to be with him, etc. But I think with the existential/religious stuff, the consequences of not knowing the answers seem so dire—like questions of life and death that if I don’t figure out, I may be wasting my life. I know that is also probably just OCD winding me up, but I don’t know how to accept uncertainty around questions of life and death.
- Date posted
- 5y
A book called 'a year to live' by Stephen Levin helped a lot with that crisis for me. - The journey for that 'truth' you are looking for is long and it comprises our whole existence. It is beautiful to live foundationless, without ground.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll check it out! And thanks for taking the time to respond thoughtfully and wisely.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
So i play in a band, and we were having practice, and my girlfriend was there listening to us, then this girl around our age walks in, and my head tells me to cheat on my girlfriend with her. I know i would never do such a thing. And it bothered me for days. And i ended up telling my girlfriend, and tried to explain my ocd. It hurt her and she believes that the instrusive thoughts, are my thoughts so in that, i must feel something behind them. And she feels hurt because i explained to her the obsessive part of ocd and how this thought wouldnt leave my head. And she got upset knowing that i was constantly thinking about cheating on her. I cant help but feel its all my fault. And now that she doesnt understand i feel really guilty for my thoughts and they are coming more often and worse. When i was fine for months, but my ocd always acts up right as i get in relationships, then i usually tell my spouse and tell them i cant feel guilt for my thoughts or they will get worse. And they usually just accepted it and it was easy. But with her it seems she just cant seem to understand, ive tried to explain it to her countless times, she isnt willing to do research with me to help better understand it or anything. Maybe for my first ocd issue telling her that wasnt the best idea.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 24w
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 19w
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
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