- Username
- kinglui
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The problem with all thia HOCD stuff is the label. What does it man to be gay to start with? There are as many measures as there are people on earth. First let's get rid of the language prison here. Let's call it a random name - "bleab". "I am worried that I might be bleab". What those that even mean? That I find men attractive. To what degree? - We are starting to get into messy territory here. --- Since it is impossible to classify the various levels and degrees of same sex attraction that makes a person a "bleab" person we need to find another measure: "What do you want"? "Who do YOU want to live with?" "How do YOU want to spend the rest of your life?". Once these questions are answered it is of little importance whether you masturbate to "clean porn" or "unicorn porn", whether you get erections by looking at another bleab, etc. ---- Our self-righteous society loves categories and wants you to identify with one. You don't have too. --- As a person TRULY attracted to both genders (to a degree - cough, non-reassurance) I am a living example of this. I find tons of things interesting but what do I want? What do I want my life to look like? for MY SAKE not for what other people will think. I don't visualize my life with anyone else but my beloved wife. She is the best companion in this journey. There is one thing that OCD will never have the power to make me doubt- and that is the love I feel for her to the point where I was willing to endure unbearable pain so she wouldn't suffer. Now, here it comes. I know it is reassurance but fuck it - I am just gonna give it to you. People truly attracted to their same gender don't agonize over it - even if they are in denial. It is beautifully pleasurable to think about it.
@FernandoV this was one of the best comments I have ever read on this app! Thank you sooo, so much!!!
Goddamn those words are truly powerful. That’s probably the best advice I’ve ever heard in HOCD, period.
FernandoV—my favorite person on this app. Now, if you have wisdom for those of us with existential themes, I’ll take anything you got to offer!
*four months* my bad
Sure, what seems to be bothering you? I don't have a lot of personal experience with existential obsessions but let's give it a try.
Thank you Fernando. Well, most of it has to do with death and life and God, so all the big things. I can’t stop thinking about what happens when we die, if anything. And how can we ever find meaning in life, and why are we even here? And how can I know that I’m living a meaningful, good life? I was/am religious and it has always brought me joy, but I keep questioning whether God exists and checking to see if I believe anymore. I believe doubt is a healthy part of faith, and I know that no one can ever really know if God exists. And I guess at this point I don’t even really care if the religious stuff/God/Ultimate Reality is real or not, I just want the joy and comfort that it used to bring me. The compulsions are mainly mental—ruminating and arguing with myself and reassuring myself that “I still believe” or whatever. Internet research is also a compulsion. I’m working on ERP with a specialist, but this has just been a really hard theme for me to break. Ive struggled with almost all of the regular Pure O themes, and ERP has been helpful for all of them, but the existential stuff has been a lot harder to counter.
Sorry for not answering before. -- If that is existential OCD then yes. I have had a lot of that too. - I see a key phrase in your message '"I want the joy it used to bring me". There is exactly where the trap is - just as a heroin addict you are after a high that is no longer there. As long as you keep pursuing that high, your suffering will likely keep prolonging. Would it be possible for you to let go of that need and want?
Thank you for answering, Fernando. I see what you mean—it just makes me sad and keeps me in an ocd loop to think about the things I used to feel. Like, do I wish I could go back to a time when I was sure that heaven was real and not just made up to help humans deal with a fear of death? Of course, and youre right that that keeps me in a loop. But if I can somehow let go of that desire for certainty, how do I sustain a religious practice? Because I still want that in my life because it grounds me and it’s part of my identity and I think parts of it are so beautiful. I just don’t know if any of it is true. I see it as similar to a lot of ROCD thoughts that I’ve struggled with—I don’t know if my love for my husband is real or strong enough, even though I also know that I want to be with him; and what if one day I feel like I don’t want to be with him, etc. But I think with the existential/religious stuff, the consequences of not knowing the answers seem so dire—like questions of life and death that if I don’t figure out, I may be wasting my life. I know that is also probably just OCD winding me up, but I don’t know how to accept uncertainty around questions of life and death.
A book called 'a year to live' by Stephen Levin helped a lot with that crisis for me. - The journey for that 'truth' you are looking for is long and it comprises our whole existence. It is beautiful to live foundationless, without ground.
Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll check it out! And thanks for taking the time to respond thoughtfully and wisely.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
Hi there everyone, I’m really struggling with obsessive thoughts over my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything was going so well for the first couple months and one day I started doubting - ever since then I’ve been trying to combat thoughts that our relationship is doomed to fail. I used to love my girlfriend, now I keep getting intrusive anxious thoughts about breaking up with her and scrutinising her appearance. I spent a few years struggling before with HOCD but I’m free of that now, now I feel I’m heading into a spiral of obsession over whether on not this relationship is right. I don’t want my girlfriend to suffer and loose faith in me whilst I act all weird around her. How do I stay present to her and cope through it? Thanks
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