So on my fourth anniversary I told my gf I had HOCD. She’s bi and all and we discussed about the gay thoughts and the things that have been roaming through my head and I told that these were intrusive thoughts. She told me about her trying not to come out to her homophobic step dad and all that and it got me worried too! It made me start to think maybe that’s what it was all along but I called myself down as much as I can. She gave me an example of how a women checked her out when she was in the bathroom in college and I thought to myself “I do that to with the women I look at” during our time I didn’t want her to think I was gonna leave or ima turn gay or something like that cause I know it’s not how it works. I just don’t want her to think I’m gonna leave for some dude or just leave in general. I don’t want her to develop things to ruin our relationship and I don’t want it to happen to me either ): this is really hell on earth and I’m gonna seek help when I get the chance. Every time I think I’m doing great my mind thinks “yeah I’m gay” or “you’re in denial” and every time I think of a friend and things like that it goes to some really intrusive and explicit thoughts that I won’t say here and it made me uncomfortable to the point where I now feel nauseous. Though it’s self diagnosed knowing more about HOCD makes it more clear to what I have I just don’t want her to think it’s all made up! My brain tells me that just because of what I did when I was in kindergarten with another boy (which was an innocent kiss) I didn’t know what was going on and it makes me uncomfortable and makes my brain think I’m in denial. I try to tell myself that the things I’ve done in the past shouldn’t be reflected with what I do now. But I just want this to be over I want to be happy with my girlfriend and make her feel as great as she makes me. But I feel so guilty having these thoughts I just with I t was over. I’m happy she’s here to support me but I don’t want her to think of it all in the wrong was I just want her to know I’m going through something completely different then what she went through. I’m gonna do better not just for her but for myself too!

The problem with all thia HOCD stuff is the label. What does it man to be gay to start with? There are as many measures as there are people on earth. First let's get rid of the language prison here. Let's call it a random name - "bleab". "I am worried that I might be bleab". What those that even mean? That I find men attractive. To what degree? - We are starting to get into messy territory here. --- Since it is impossible to classify the various levels and degrees of same sex attraction that makes a person a "bleab" person we need to find another measure: "What do you want"? "Who do YOU want to live with?" "How do YOU want to spend the rest of your life?". Once these questions are answered it is of little importance whether you masturbate to "clean porn" or "unicorn porn", whether you get erections by looking at another bleab, etc. ---- Our self-righteous society loves categories and wants you to identify with one. You don't have too. --- As a person TRULY attracted to both genders (to a degree - cough, non-reassurance) I am a living example of this. I find tons of things interesting but what do I want? What do I want my life to look like? for MY SAKE not for what other people will think. I don't visualize my life with anyone else but my beloved wife. She is the best companion in this journey. There is one thing that OCD will never have the power to make me doubt- and that is the love I feel for her to the point where I was willing to endure unbearable pain so she wouldn't suffer. Now, here it comes. I know it is reassurance but fuck it - I am just gonna give it to you. People truly attracted to their same gender don't agonize over it - even if they are in denial. It is beautifully pleasurable to think about it.

@FernandoV this was one of the best comments I have ever read on this app! Thank you sooo, so much!!!

Goddamn those words are truly powerful. That’s probably the best advice I’ve ever heard in HOCD, period.

FernandoV—my favorite person on this app. Now, if you have wisdom for those of us with existential themes, I’ll take anything you got to offer!

*four months* my bad

Sure, what seems to be bothering you? I don't have a lot of personal experience with existential obsessions but let's give it a try.

Thank you Fernando. Well, most of it has to do with death and life and God, so all the big things. I can’t stop thinking about what happens when we die, if anything. And how can we ever find meaning in life, and why are we even here? And how can I know that I’m living a meaningful, good life? I was/am religious and it has always brought me joy, but I keep questioning whether God exists and checking to see if I believe anymore. I believe doubt is a healthy part of faith, and I know that no one can ever really know if God exists. And I guess at this point I don’t even really care if the religious stuff/God/Ultimate Reality is real or not, I just want the joy and comfort that it used to bring me. The compulsions are mainly mental—ruminating and arguing with myself and reassuring myself that “I still believe” or whatever. Internet research is also a compulsion. I’m working on ERP with a specialist, but this has just been a really hard theme for me to break. Ive struggled with almost all of the regular Pure O themes, and ERP has been helpful for all of them, but the existential stuff has been a lot harder to counter.

Sorry for not answering before. -- If that is existential OCD then yes. I have had a lot of that too. - I see a key phrase in your message '"I want the joy it used to bring me". There is exactly where the trap is - just as a heroin addict you are after a high that is no longer there. As long as you keep pursuing that high, your suffering will likely keep prolonging. Would it be possible for you to let go of that need and want?

Thank you for answering, Fernando. I see what you mean—it just makes me sad and keeps me in an ocd loop to think about the things I used to feel. Like, do I wish I could go back to a time when I was sure that heaven was real and not just made up to help humans deal with a fear of death? Of course, and youre right that that keeps me in a loop. But if I can somehow let go of that desire for certainty, how do I sustain a religious practice? Because I still want that in my life because it grounds me and it’s part of my identity and I think parts of it are so beautiful. I just don’t know if any of it is true. I see it as similar to a lot of ROCD thoughts that I’ve struggled with—I don’t know if my love for my husband is real or strong enough, even though I also know that I want to be with him; and what if one day I feel like I don’t want to be with him, etc. But I think with the existential/religious stuff, the consequences of not knowing the answers seem so dire—like questions of life and death that if I don’t figure out, I may be wasting my life. I know that is also probably just OCD winding me up, but I don’t know how to accept uncertainty around questions of life and death.

A book called 'a year to live' by Stephen Levin helped a lot with that crisis for me. - The journey for that 'truth' you are looking for is long and it comprises our whole existence. It is beautiful to live foundationless, without ground.

Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll check it out! And thanks for taking the time to respond thoughtfully and wisely.