So on my fourth anniversary I told my gf I had HOCD. She’s bi and all and we discussed about the gay thoughts and the things that have been roaming through my head and I told that these were intrusive thoughts. She told me about her trying not to come out to her homophobic step dad and all that and it got me worried too! It made me start to think maybe that’s what it was all along but I called myself down as much as I can. She gave me an example of how a women checked her out when she was in the bathroom in college and I thought to myself “I do that to with the women I look at” during our time I didn’t want her to think I was gonna leave or ima turn gay or something like that cause I know it’s not how it works. I just don’t want her to think I’m gonna leave for some dude or just leave in general. I don’t want her to develop things to ruin our relationship and I don’t want it to happen to me either ): this is really hell on earth and I’m gonna seek help when I get the chance. Every time I think I’m doing great my mind thinks “yeah I’m gay” or “you’re in denial” and every time I think of a friend and things like that it goes to some really intrusive and explicit thoughts that I won’t say here and it made me uncomfortable to the point where I now feel nauseous. Though it’s self diagnosed knowing more about HOCD makes it more clear to what I have I just don’t want her to think it’s all made up! My brain tells me that just because of what I did when I was in kindergarten with another boy (which was an innocent kiss) I didn’t know what was going on and it makes me uncomfortable and makes my brain think I’m in denial. I try to tell myself that the things I’ve done in the past shouldn’t be reflected with what I do now. But I just want this to be over I want to be happy with my girlfriend and make her feel as great as she makes me. But I feel so guilty having these thoughts I just with I t was over. I’m happy she’s here to support me but I don’t want her to think of it all in the wrong was I just want her to know I’m going through something completely different then what she went through. I’m gonna do better not just for her but for myself too!

Sexual Orientation OCD

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

The problem with all thia HOCD stuff is the label. What does it man to be gay to start with? There are as many measures as there are people on earth. First let's get rid of the language prison here. Let's call it a random name - "bleab". "I am worried that I might be bleab". What those that even mean? That I find men attractive. To what degree? - We are starting to get into messy territory here. --- Since it is impossible to classify the various levels and degrees of same sex attraction that makes a person a "bleab" person we need to find another measure: "What do you want"? "Who do YOU want to live with?" "How do YOU want to spend the rest of your life?". Once these questions are answered it is of little importance whether you masturbate to "clean porn" or "unicorn porn", whether you get erections by looking at another bleab, etc. ---- Our self-righteous society loves categories and wants you to identify with one. You don't have too. --- As a person TRULY attracted to both genders (to a degree - cough, non-reassurance) I am a living example of this. I find tons of things interesting but what do I want? What do I want my life to look like? for MY SAKE not for what other people will think. I don't visualize my life with anyone else but my beloved wife. She is the best companion in this journey. There is one thing that OCD will never have the power to make me doubt- and that is the love I feel for her to the point where I was willing to endure unbearable pain so she wouldn't suffer. Now, here it comes. I know it is reassurance but fuck it - I am just gonna give it to you. People truly attracted to their same gender don't agonize over it - even if they are in denial. It is beautifully pleasurable to think about it.

MentalHelp

Date posted: 5y

@FernandoV this was one of the best comments I have ever read on this app! Thank you sooo, so much!!!

Reptile

Date posted: 5y

Goddamn those words are truly powerful. That’s probably the best advice I’ve ever heard in HOCD, period.

puppychino

Date posted: 5y

FernandoV—my favorite person on this app. Now, if you have wisdom for those of us with existential themes, I’ll take anything you got to offer!

kinglui

Date posted: 5y

*four months* my bad

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

Sure, what seems to be bothering you? I don't have a lot of personal experience with existential obsessions but let's give it a try.

puppychino

Date posted: 5y

Thank you Fernando. Well, most of it has to do with death and life and God, so all the big things. I can’t stop thinking about what happens when we die, if anything. And how can we ever find meaning in life, and why are we even here? And how can I know that I’m living a meaningful, good life? I was/am religious and it has always brought me joy, but I keep questioning whether God exists and checking to see if I believe anymore. I believe doubt is a healthy part of faith, and I know that no one can ever really know if God exists. And I guess at this point I don’t even really care if the religious stuff/God/Ultimate Reality is real or not, I just want the joy and comfort that it used to bring me. The compulsions are mainly mental—ruminating and arguing with myself and reassuring myself that “I still believe” or whatever. Internet research is also a compulsion. I’m working on ERP with a specialist, but this has just been a really hard theme for me to break. Ive struggled with almost all of the regular Pure O themes, and ERP has been helpful for all of them, but the existential stuff has been a lot harder to counter.

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

Sorry for not answering before. -- If that is existential OCD then yes. I have had a lot of that too. - I see a key phrase in your message '"I want the joy it used to bring me". There is exactly where the trap is - just as a heroin addict you are after a high that is no longer there. As long as you keep pursuing that high, your suffering will likely keep prolonging. Would it be possible for you to let go of that need and want?

puppychino

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for answering, Fernando. I see what you mean—it just makes me sad and keeps me in an ocd loop to think about the things I used to feel. Like, do I wish I could go back to a time when I was sure that heaven was real and not just made up to help humans deal with a fear of death? Of course, and youre right that that keeps me in a loop. But if I can somehow let go of that desire for certainty, how do I sustain a religious practice? Because I still want that in my life because it grounds me and it’s part of my identity and I think parts of it are so beautiful. I just don’t know if any of it is true. I see it as similar to a lot of ROCD thoughts that I’ve struggled with—I don’t know if my love for my husband is real or strong enough, even though I also know that I want to be with him; and what if one day I feel like I don’t want to be with him, etc. But I think with the existential/religious stuff, the consequences of not knowing the answers seem so dire—like questions of life and death that if I don’t figure out, I may be wasting my life. I know that is also probably just OCD winding me up, but I don’t know how to accept uncertainty around questions of life and death.

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

A book called 'a year to live' by Stephen Levin helped a lot with that crisis for me. - The journey for that 'truth' you are looking for is long and it comprises our whole existence. It is beautiful to live foundationless, without ground.

puppychino

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll check it out! And thanks for taking the time to respond thoughtfully and wisely.

Ellie.

Date posted: 25w

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

geodrimilis

Date posted: 14w

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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