I think I could have ROCD. I’m not diagnosed …

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Okay. This might be a little long. Basically I’m just wondering if this is really ROCD or if I officially lost feelings for my current boyfriend. BACKGROUND ABOUT ME: I assume this might help whoever reads this, and that may explain my situation. Long story short I have bad anxiety and OCD about intrusive thoughts. I figured out about my anxiety from a therapist after it started to get really bad when I was in middle school. However I figured out about my OCD this year. Before middle school I started to get anxiety from my dad. My parents divorced and he was an emotional abuser and very narcissistic. So since I was little I was always careful on what I did and said. And then another topic is that I had an ex bf who acted close to him. He was very insecure so he was controlling over me and was narcissistic and also emotionally abusive towards me. Always played the victim, etc. So he kind of traumatized me because we fought daily and just the way he treated me. My current bf is a green flag to me. We don’t fight, he is kind, understanding, funny. He checks all my boxes. Me and him were friends for about a year before we considered being together. 2 MONTHS AGO: this is when it started. It was a Sunday and me and him were going to an event at my school. It was for seniors because we were graduating the Sunday coming up. And we hung out the past 2 days and from what I remember things were like they were. Me and him were about to hit 8months the up coming Monday and I did understand that’s the time where the “honeymoon” phase becomes more.. I’ll say realistic? Anyway, we were close to leaving and something in my gut was off. Idk what it was. Idk if I was nervous for the event or something. But I just had a weird feeling. Again I have bad anxiety and OCD so I was scared about all the kids that were there. I don’t know. Anyway we left and when got to about 3 minutes away from our location my bf turns to me in the car and tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me. Then the thought “idk if I love you the same anymore” came in my head. And my gut feeling worsened. It was unnoticeable before but after he said that and I thought what I thought it got so much worse. Like it was sickening for me. I I love you back immediately but that thought.. I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t enjoy the night at all. I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was suffering. Later that night he took me home. And I couldn’t get rid of that thought in my head. We FaceTimed a bit later like we did almost every night but I couldn’t be on the phone. Every time I looked at him I felt guilty and that thought kept coming back that I lost my love for him. So about 5-10 mins later I told him I was tired, said our goodnights and hung up. I cried. I didn’t like what I was feeling and I didn’t know what it meant. It was hard to fall asleep but once I did I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the thought about my bf. I got up to splash water in my face to cool me off because I was sweating. I got ready for school and I was crying I was confused, worried, I didn’t even know. I cried to my mom later and she didn’t know what to say or do. I cried all day at school and my gut feeling was horrible. I’ve never had it as bad as I did the first few days after this started. PRESENT(2months later): I already typed a lot so I don’t want to make entire book. But now, it’s like the gut feeling is there but tolerable. I still get the thoughts and the gut feeling does worsen a bit when my bf texts me and I see his face in photos and such. Or even think about him. My main concern is that we are supposed to go on a trip together next month and before this happened I was so excited to go with him. And now it’s like “what if I’m not better” “I don’t love him anymore to go with him.” Idk what to do. It’s like a chore for everything, when I text him, hanging out, calling him. Everything. Idk why to do. Idk if it’s because I was reck for the event or because of graduation and needed a reason for my nervousness? Idk. He didn’t do anything, he hasn’t done a single thing but be there for me. As much as I’ve been there for him. I don’t want to lose him. There is more to this story so if you want to ask go for it. I know this is hella long so. But I just want the help. Please let me know!!

I don’t even know where to start. Hey. I’ve been experiencing what I think is rocd for like 4 months now and it’s rlly hurting me. So me and my bf have been to together since November of last year and this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in (albeit it’s my first SERIOUS relationship) we have so much fun together, we show each other love and comfort, we play together and we spend almost every day together (we’re long distance so I mean fting) and I love spending all this time with him. I love waking up all call with him and falling asleep on call with him. I just love being around him for the most part. But there’s also a part of me that is constantly on the fence on whether I love him or not for a multitude of reasons. Like sometimes I feel nothing towards him. Like not even a slight warmth or affection. When that happens I’m usually rlly depressed, anxious and feel so guilty. And then there’s also times where if he txts me I’ll get this rush of anxiety and feel this knawing in my stomach. And also sometimes I’ll just be pissy at him for no reason. Almost like I’m annoyed at him for being alive. It feels like a mix of annoyance and anxiety. I feel so bad and always treat him kindly even with that feeling. Most of the time it’s cuz I’m jealous which I am VERY prone to jealousy and it’s the main problem in our relationship. Which also makes me think I don’t love him. I’m almost always worried I don’t really love him. I’ll get thoughts like “I’ve fallen out of love” or “what if I don’t really love him I love the idea of him and that’s why I get annoyed so easily” and it’s a lot of what if are relationship is a fraud or what if I don’t love him. And the thing is I really wanna love him. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and care abt him so much and sometimes I feel like none of this is real cuz how could I not absolutely love and adore a man who loves me and is so perfectly imperfect. I love him but I don’t know if I love at the same time. Like sometimes I’ll cry and just repeat I love you over and over again to picture of him but then I think “you’re just lying to yourself”. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD specifically religious and spiritual OCD but this is the first time I’m experiencing ROCD I’m even starting to question if I loved my dead cat mainly cuz I’ll try to be like well I loved my cat and I still got mad at her but then I think “maybe I didn’t love her” which makes me think I dont love either of them. Whenever I get like this I also google a lot of stuff like quiz’s and forums and Reddit to try and find an answer to if I love him and to soothe myself. idk I’m just exhausted. Ik this isn’t the place to vent abt my relationship problems so I’m sorry abt that. I’m also having problems with retroactive jealousy and the fact that most of my friends don’t like my bf cuz one of there friends was talking to him for a bit and he was like obsessive so they don’t like him and that makes my stomach feel weird and makes me kinda mad at him for ever talking to her. I just wanna love my bf and him love me. Ig I’m asking if this sounds like ROCD and if so what do I do? I’m so tired of feeling like this. I just wanna love my baby boy.