Ocd in a ongoing circus.

I think what is making this all harder for me is not being able to talk to my dad about it anymore. He passed a month ago from cancer and he was the only person I could really talk to about what I’m going through. It makes me so sad that I have no one to turn to. My mom isn’t very understanding or supportive about it. When I first told her about what was going on with me she twisted it and called me names. (Worst name you could think of) and ever since it’s been hard to talk to her about it. I know it’s a compulsion if it’s ocd which I’m pretty sure it is but I’m absolutely terrified and I feel so alone. I have no one really in my life that could possibly understand and that’s why I’m come on the app and it’s been helpful knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. I just hope one day I can get help. That’s another thing my mom doesn’t agree with is me getting a therapist and I don’t know why. I guess because she’s scared I’m going to be misunderstood too. I’ve been struggling with this for a year now undiagnosed and I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to ever be a monster but my mind makes me think I am one. I’m exhausted

My dad recently died and it’s really ramped up my real event OCD. He was only 63. The chronic guilt of my worst mistakes haunt me worse than ever and I want so bad to confess to my mother. The event happened 17 years ago and I never repeated the mistake. I was 19. I had or have a learning disability. I don’t think my moral compass fully developed until after that. I love doing good now and made a career out of it, but the chronic guilt eats at me. How do I deal with this? How do I not confess?

Okay so basically I'm 18 (almost 19) and my dad had been sick since I was 14. Like REALLY sick. He was practically bedridden for most of 4 years. It was a really rare and terrible disease and we very much did not have the financial means to take care of him. In November he suddenly passed in the night and I woke up around 8am to see my brother giving him cpr but it was simply too late. The police opened an investigation thinking there could have been false play but after the otopsy came back it was clearly because of his illness. Ever sense I keep having these thoughts of "what if I did it and don't remember" but mostly my thoughts are "you heard something that night and didn't check on him." And I remember when I was falling asleep that night I thought "it would be easier if he just died. No you don'tactually believe thag" so it feels like I some how willed it into the universe or something. Oh top of that for the longest time my (very spiritual) family has always told me that I was special and I knew things/could do things that are unexplainable. For a while before he passed I was buying into a lot of the spiritual stuff and I swore I felt this "fatherly presence" following me around. I thought it was like some old god watching out for me and kept looking for "signs." But I also kept ignoring it thinking I would reach out later when I had the time because I was a senior in high school while this was going on and was very busy. So sometimes I even thing my father dying was like a punishment or ignoring some God. I don't really know, at this point I don't even want to be into all of that stuff anymore but I don't know how to stop when my whole family is into it, especially if some thing is mad at me. I don't really know, I feel very trapped in some unexplainable way by all of this.