Disconnected from the things I love

OCD makes me feel so alone. These last few months I feel like I’ve been unable to be honest or open fully with anyone. I’m so ashamed of what’s inside me and I’m scared. I feel like everything is my fault and I’m lonely despite having wonderful people and things in my life. I am alone and feel so fake and disingenuous.

no one ever responds when I post stuff and it sucks but I am not feeling good at all. I’m feeling so connected to my younger self and I can’t tell if it’s cause I might be living in the past too much but I had gotten to a point in my life where I didn’t feel too connected to my younger self but I didn’t really think anything of it but I’m starting to feel like my whole sense of perception has changed I can’t tell if I’m like dealing with depersonalization and I feel like my ocd sun types have become me or that they are the true me that I tried hiding or something which I’ve been dealing with TOCD right now and I have fealty with harm OCD in the past and I felt like I had gotten past my ocd but I feel like it’s been taking over everything and I can’t feel like how I used to without thinking I somehow assumed I was transgender or something so I don’t want to go back to that or to think that I am transgender because I do love being a girl but I don’t feel like a girl anymore or I think that the way I’m feeling now is the way girls actually feel or something. I feel like I’m kind of on autopilot but I’m not at the same time, I feel very just disorganized and messy I can’t keep track of things I can’t recall things I remember or know like my head is just blank I can’t keep on top of things I need to do like I used to, I can’t tell if I’m like getting severely depressed or something, i sometimes feel very weightless like not in my body or not connected to my body or something and when I do try to start feeling better I start getting so light headed and feel like I’ll pass out and my head starts to hurt and I just feel like my ocd doesn’t want me to be happy and it doesn’t want me to feel connected to other people or something like I feel like isolating myself so much or something and I just don’t feel good at all and I can’t tell if this is ocd anymore

It's like sometimes (only sometimes bc im mostly obsessing), I dont care how I feel in that moment. Like Iam numb to anything. There is not happiness or sadness. Like I dont care what happens to me, dont care about my friends, family, life. When I know deep down thats not how I really feel. In reality, I love my life and family so much. I just cant feel it at the moment. My poor husband and kids. I have to keep telling myself that is my OCD and that Iam a good person that does actually care about everything... Its so sad